Trying to move on

[ClingingToHope]

I'm getting closer and closer to moving to Surviving the Big D and again I'm not nearly as strong as I'd like to be.

Went home to meet the girls off the bus. Letter from my lawyer. He talked to W's lawyer and he's going to send my L my W's "wish list" in the D.

He still hasn't received the petition.

I guess when we get it I have to sit down and go over it. I'm not looking forward to that. I'm not looking forward to any of this. Right away, it put me in the dumps. I haven't read much about that on the forums. How did everyone else handle these things.

Luckily I was pretty busy. I talked to my aunt and my sister for a bit and then I had my last basketball game to score for this school year. I made $215 over the past two weeks.

The truth is, deep down, I still wake up every day thinking that at some point W will call off this lunacy.

My sister and I talked about it. Why do I feel that way? I think it's because everyone that I know that went through a D got a second or even third chance.

What I've never figured out is how W could close her heart so totally -- unless the truth is that she never really did love me.

I still don't believe that. I mean, I couldn't have misread her that much. When I look at our first five years, she was troubled, but not with me. She always talked about how afraid she was that I'd leave her. She worried she wasn't good enough for me.

Still stressing over money although beginning next month I'll have running races to work at once a month for seven of the next eight months. I don't have anything in June, but I'm sure I could pick one up.

I make at least $350 every one of these plus it fills up my time. So essentially three of the four weekends are mostly booked for the next eight months. Any extra fun I find is a bonus.