I think I'd rather be dead than this- WAW

[MrBond]

Cake eating is when the WAS does what they want to do without any consideration for the LBS's feelings or self-esteem.

I think you're dwelling on this moving back thing too much. The moving back is a small piece of the overall picture. Overall your W is saying that she doesn't give a flying f*ck about you. Besides fooling around, she left without telling you so that you can't even get your mail. That alone should have been reason to go back.

It comes down to CONTROL. Do you like her controlling you like this? You feel like you have to do something in response to something she does. Be the initiator of an action rather than just being reactive.

Get your financial life straight first so that whether or not she comes back YOU will be okay. Then go back to what is yours.

It's not being vindictive or mean. It just is. Right now it sounds like you are looking for someone to validate you not going back home. If you don't want to go back, then don't. If you feel like you don't want to rock the boat, then don't. If you don't mind her going out and having sex with other guys, then don't do anything.

By not doing anything so far by choice, is it making YOUR LIFE happier?

[dburt]

DB rule broken on V-day and you are surprised that it didn't work out? It should have been her thinking, "9 years of V-day's and not even a text? hmmmmm."

Burt

[Steve McQueen]

I think you would be more successful if you moved on with your life without her. Give yourself 45 days of no contact with her. Give yourself 45 days to stop thinking about her. You will be suprised how quickly you forget she is not contacting you and even more suprised when she does. In those 45 days devise a plan of where you will be in 6 months. new hobbies, new job, a new female companion, good times.

Contary to recommendations of move back home, I suggest move further away. Forget about her. Leave her alone. Snub her if you must.

Let her think about you, and wonder why you gave up.

No longer a need to validate or wonder or depress about a cheating spouse. Grow as an individual and realize how happy your life really is when you rid yourself of the BS.

[GH31]

She is with my school, so maybe I need to go out and find one on my own that specializes in marriage?

Yes!

When you're toilet is broken you call a plummer, not a carpenter!

GH31

[Quart9]

So I saw an attorney today. I explained my sitch to her. We talked about my rights, what to expect, etc. She reviewed the docs that I filled out and calculated the amount of money that I would get in spousal support and showed me the monthly figure. It is way more than enough for me to live comfortably off of for the next two years while I'm in school. I was shocked - the attny even seemed shocked.

I told the attny I wanted to move back into W and I's apt. I asked here about my rights in doing that. She told me that I had every right to if my name was on the lease. She also told me something that I had heard before from my cop buddy - it would be very easy for my W to get a restraining order against me if my W did not want me there. She said she had seen it happen many times in her experience often under false pretenses. She told me that if I do have a restraining order put against me and my W files for divorce - I can kiss the spousal support goodbye. She said that the court will not award support to a man (or even a woman) when they have a restraining order against them from the supporter.

I dunno if I can take that risk. If my wife divorces me, my only real vindication against her would be her seeing almost half of her paycheck go to me for the next 2 years. The attorney told me it could be set up where it is garnished off of her paycheck and I wouldn't even have to worry about my wife sending the $ to me. That would put a dent in her 'ol partying it up single life style - unless douche OM foots the bill. That is of course unless he is not paying his own spousal support...

[MrBond]

"She said that the court will not award support to a man (or even a woman) when they have a restraining order against them from the supporter."

So for the sake of argument, what if you don't move back home and she makes something up to hit you with a RO so she doesn't have to pay you spousal support. What then?

You got your validation from the L to not move in. So don't. You've got two choices now. Either stay in limbo and continue to let her pull your strings or hit her with the D first and take everything you can now before she has time to regroup and stop you.

[Quart9]

Bond - yeah it seems like W does not give an F about me. No, I don't like wife controlling me or possibly banging some other dude. And yes, I see how it does come across like I want someone to validate my not moving back home, and it look like the attny gave it to me. But there is nothing more that I want in this world than to be back there whether she wants me there or not - really - almost to where I would risk a restraining order.

I would love to see her even if it just in passing. I would love to go back there and tell her to kiss my a$$ I am moving back in. I would love to! love to! establish boundaries and tell her to stop seeing douche/OM. I would love to catch that MF'er over there and repaint the F'ing walls brain matter grey - no what I'm say'n?

And actually the attorney asked me why I wanted to move back and I told her that I felt like my wife was controling, I had been too passive/maniputaled, and I wanted my self respect back (aka huevos). She told me that if that was the case I should file the petition first and let my wife get served (like you just suggested).

I dunno what I am going to do. I have to think about this some more.

[MrBond]

"She told me that if that was the case I should file the petition first and let my wife get served."

That is actually a great idea. The thing about DBing is doing what works and obviously what you're doing isn't working. Did you ever write a Solution Journal? That's the first thing many Newcomers forget to do.

If you get the petition filed, you are covered legally at least which seemed to be your worry.

Have you contacted her at all while she's gone? Tell her you need to get your mail and see what she says.

[Quart9]

Thank you Steve McQueen for your alternative suggestion. I have read where others on here have gone this route. I dunno if it would help my sitch but it sounds like it might help me.

Thank you - I really have to keep weighing the pros and cons here.

[Quart9]

I wouldn't call what I have written a solution journal. It's more like a list of issues on copy paper with possible solutions and outcomes- haha! I will go back and read about that and make it more formal.

I'm kicking around the petition filing idea. I haven't talked to her yet, but I can call her and ask her about the mail. I submitted an address change/mail forwarding request. I ahve not called her because I didn't want to come off as trying to pursue- esp since I sent her a text on Valentine's Day and got no response.