No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[MrBond]

25yearsmlc,

Sorry if the post made me sound "flawless". I'm pretty sure I didn't detail everything that I did wrong in the R. There was a whole list of things I wrote down in the beginning of all the things I had to change. They are in a journal I keep.

At the start I made a decision to change those manners and things about me that were wrong or what I didn't like. I think over the course of this 2 year journey, I did change them and don't think much about them any more because the person who I am today is definitely not the person who I was 2 years ago.

Those things that I wrote down back then were things that I had to come up with. My W never told me specifically what was wrong. She would tell things that were out of left field, like how she felt pressured to give me sex and that we had sex 2-3 times a week. Which we never did. It was about once every 2-3 weeks. This was just an example, but when I ask my W about it today, she says she forgot what she said.

So while I know a few of the things that bothered her about me, the list of things I felt I had to change were things that I came up with after much retrospection. They were big and little things, but I feel I did change those. My whole family has noticed.

In my sitch, it really is about her. She feels she doesn't want to be married any more and that's that. She hasn't gone out with anyone else, she says she's afraid of me, yet can hang out. I think the changes I made in me did allow her to feel more comfortable when she was around, and she started respecting me again after I stood up to her behaviors or facts that I felt were just plain wrong.

I really don't think I am blameless by all means. In fact, I constantly told her (even before the bomb) that if there was something bothering her about me or if there was something I needed to change, that she just needed to tell me. I shouldn't have let her keep things in when I saw she was, and there was A LOT of mindreading on my part because she wouldn't open up.

It's funny you said it sounded like I was saying I was blameless, because to every one of my friends I've told them that it was my fault for the issues (not the A, that's still her responsibility). And that I wish even now she could tell me what she's thinking. She never told me that there was something I needed to change. She never told me what irked her. I mean, she would get irritated like when I honked at someone who would cut me off on the road, but aside from that not really.

We've never really talked about the future or spirituality or even politics. They are all things that she never showed interest in. I've asked her about them, but she just shrugs and says 'I don't know'.

That's what makes my sitch so frustrating. I mean normally when people break up there's a list of things they don't like about the other person. She's never told me. Little snatches come out in anger, but I don't know if they were really reasons or things just to be spiteful. Even now when I ask her, she says it doesn't matter because she just doesn't want to be married any more.

As for the forgiving part. I think that was the hardest lesson for me to learn. To this day I do a lot of thoughtful things for her, don't bring up the A, told her I forgave her and am extremely kind and generous to her. And I've grown to expect nothing in return. And that's when I feel the saddest sometimes. The girl who I was seeing was fantastic and was attentive, generous to me, attractive, etc. She was all that but she wasn't my W.

I felt connected to my W in that kind of unspoken way and still am. Am I an idiot for staying? That's up to each person's opinion. I just don't feel I need to move on yet.