More weird coming from H. Last night, I go downstairs to fix my dinner. H. decides to come down shortly thereafter. I finish my meal by the time his is done. I go down to basement to pack while he eats.
Every time I'm not holed up in my office, he seems to come around. I leave, go to a different part of house. Not really looking at him either. I don't know if he is trying to initiate contact, or what. I don't know if this is a good strategy to pursue or not. Seems like the more I rebuff him, the more he comes around. That makes me think that perhaps I should continue with it.
End of night, H comes down to living room & asks if he can go to bed. Say 'no problem'. Go to kitchen, grab a beer. H. gets huffy, asks me if I plan on replacing his beer. Say 'I haven't said anything about you taking my things' - wrong answer, I realized immediately. H tries to instigate this into a battle. Say 'sure, no problem. I'll replace it'. H. still wants to fight - 'what stuff?'. Say 'you know what, it isn't a big deal. And I'll replace your beer'. Over the last 3 days, I've had 4 out of his 30 pack. He keeps picking at 'what stuff?'. Continue w/ 'not a big deal and I'll replace your beer'. Go upstairs, into office, close door.
Today, H cleaned bathroom. First time in at least a year. Kinda surprising. Also, washed my dishes [2 or 3 things at a time] for the last 3 days. I don't know if this is him trying to extend the olive branch or what. Or maybe he's just being nice b/c he knows I'm moving out, which is what he wants.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
As I sat up here in the office typing the last post, H comes down and sprawls out on couch. I come down, go to corner store, come back, fix dinner. Got him a soda for cleaning the bathroom, but didn't say anything, or give it to him. Body language made it seem as if he wouldn't be receptive.
H. goes back up to his office when he hears me making dinner. After dinner, I do all the dishes [his too] and go back in the basement. He comes back down after I go into the basement. I suspect if I go back downstairs, he'll come right back upstairs to his office and stay there until I leave for work.
It's like he telepathically knew I was softening ever so slightly toward him. I haven't been doing anything for him, other than taking care of the dog, and that's more for the dog than him.
Forgot to grab my phone on the way out. While I was gone, got a text from friend. Again, he was looking at my phone, due to me leaving it accessible. WTF???
Edit: grammar
Last edited by Ruined; 02/18/1012:35 AM.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Starting to notice a pattern. I've been very withdrawn from/H. Don't initiate conversation, or interaction. I'm not mean, or nasty, I'm just not engaging w/him, or looking at him. I walk away from him, or leave the room. He is around (in my physical space) alot, but doesn't initiate conversation of any sort and I keep backing away, adding physical distance. I don't speak unless responding to something he has said.
He seems to be trying to force a reaction out of me. The past week, he's been somewhat 'in my face'. So I leave, go to different part of the house. He's tried to get me to fight with him, which I almost did, but then realized immediately what was going on. Nipped it in the bud and calmly went upstairs. He was downstairs yelling, and I kept saying 'No big deal'.
Today, I've noticed that he's taken the dog, and her overnight things - dishes, toys, etc. So it's clear that he has no intention of spending the night here. The last time he did that, I didn't give him any reaction at all. Fussed over dog, asked her if she had a fun day, etc. I know it's a silly way to act w/an animal, but she is my baby, and I talk to her like that all the time, anyway. It is completely in the norm & H knows that.
When I realized he's not coming back for the night, I started getting angry. He's probably w/OW [I assume]. I'm out of here in 10 days; he knows that. He keeps saying how he wants all this [separation & D] to be amicable, sunshine, rainbows & unicorn farts, and we can be "best friends again" and other such ridiculous crap. Yet ... he keeps doing his fu@#ing best to instigate bad scenes.
I find this so frustrating. He says he wants out, yet continues to passively not do anything toward that end except for OW, which obviously is a BIG DEAL.
Yet:
* Finally went to talk to L. on 2/4 after 5 mos. of me telling him to do just that
* Hasn't had any follow up w/L - combed through phone records & got confirmation
* Has been going thru my $hit
* Reading my journal
* Digging thru my phone
In the interim, back to heavy phone contact w/OW. Very few texts, no calls on VD weekend. I think OW has a BF, which would explain VD NC. But since then, 20+ texts/hour long calls every day.
I can't seem to bust the A. It's driving me NUTS. Trying to be Zen, move forward, etc. I had an amazing moment of clarity and detachment last week. I'm still holding on to it, moving on w/o H for now. Maybe there will come a point in the future where I decide that instead of for now, it is more for ever. I'm o.k. with that idea.
I'm just so confused as to why H. is trying to make a hard time even harder. Why he's trying to force a bad reaction out of me. I stopped fighting w/him at the end of October. Had one blow out and one spat in 4.5 months. But he keeps picking and picking and picking. I just don't get it.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
I'm just so confused as to why H. is trying to make a hard time even harder. Why he's trying to force a bad reaction out of me. I stopped fighting w/him at the end of October. Had one blow out and one spat in 4.5 months. But he keeps picking and picking and picking. I just don't get it.
I'm dealing with the exact same scenario, dealing with it exactly as you are. She's starting to do the same things.
You know what I think? They are so desperate for interaction that negative interaction will do. My wife began baiting me yesterday, in a good way (with a pan of lasagne - the first meal she's cooked in months) and this morning in an evil one (following me around). I have the strange compulsion to point and snigger, but am trying to be nice.
M:40 W:40 2 teenagers ILYBNILWY: 09 January 2010 soon to be walking away my situation
maybe it's a way to "convince himself" that he wants this...he could be having 2nd thoughts and it could be his way of putting up a block to his own feelings of rejection from you by lashing out. You know "reject her before she rejects me"
Because maybe now that you are moving on, not kissing his butt, he is missing you!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I think that those things are quite possible. I just don't want to delude myself, or give myself false hope, etc. That is why I want feedback from others. Especially since other people have nothing invested in my M and probably have a clearer understanding of the big picture.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
H & dog come wandering home around 1:30 a.m. This is odd b/c H is usually in bed around midnight. Plus, if he was w/OW, what is the point of her driving him back home that late?
H comes up to his office. I go downstairs & fuss over dog, who is crazy happy to see me. Don't think she got over the 5 weeks of NC, b/c every time she sees me it's like she hasn't for a week. Spend a few minutes w/her, go back to my office and shut door. H waits until I'm back in my office before he comes out. I don't even want to look at him because I'm afraid I'm going to laugh. I don't know if he is trying to make me jealous or what. But it reeks of hi school hi-jinx to me for some reason.
I ass-u-me H did this to provoke some sort of reaction out of me. Seems like lately the only time he interacts is trying to instigate me into fighting w/him.
It would have been far more effective for him to wait another 6 hours or so to come back.
Any/all feedback appreciated.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
I started this very, very, very long post last night & lost 90% of it. So today is actually yesterday.
H. locked in office, w/door completely latched shut today. I am going to sign 12 month lease today. H. didn't know that. Don't know if H thinks I already signed a lease or not. Asked H. in December to get bills into his name, which as of now, still hasn't happened. Send H text that says 'get bills transfered today or Mon.'. H. comes down stairs raring to fight. 'Why can't you just talk to me?' H says. Say 'Know how much you love to text' - wrong $hitty thing to say - jab at H & OW. Also say 'you are not making it easy to talk to you'.
H. says 'you are so passive-aggressive w/that sh!t' [meaning texting, instead of knocking on door & speaking]. Respond 'you are right, I should have just told you' - despite the fact that I told him 2 months ago. Despite the fact that he knows I am moving out in 10 days. Despite the fact that I've mentioned it again within the last 3 weeks. But he was absolutely correct that it was being passive-aggressive, so I agreed in a non-snarky manner.
H. starts freaking out that I have to talk to him, I can't stop talking to him forever. H. screaming that I'll never change. H. again threatens to cut my phone off. Ask him if we can go to store together, so I can switch my phone back to my account. H. screaming 'you wanted a new # anyway' & 'you are going to get a new # and not give it to me'. Tell him I'm going to keep old #, just don't want him surprising me by cutting off phone.
Tell H that he should have told me 6 months ago that he was leaving cause he 'liked another girl'. I used that phrasing to draw attention to how ridiculous this situation is. Could have spared me the grief of the last 6 months. H. screaming that OW has nothing to do w/this, H was planning on D'ing me anyway, I refuse to accept reality. Tell H. that if he was so intent on D and OW had nothing to do w/any of this, why did he hide her. Told H that if he was so sure what he was doing was OK, why does he continue to lie about it and why hasn't she met his friends yet. ALL of his friends are married and I'm pretty sure that most of them wouldn't approve of H's A.
H. values friends approval very much - too much in my opinion. This has been a source of conflict during R/M. I don't need / want H's friends approval, and have the same feeling regarding my own friends, but to a lesser degree. That is why I mentioned the part about not being able to intro OW to his friends; I'm pretty sure that she won't receive a warm welcome.
H. screaming, script, OW has nothing to do w/this, was gonna D me anyway [while we were talking about renewing our vows for our 5th anni in 2 weeks] script, blah, blah, blah. H. screaming "you think I ruined your life". Again tell H stop reading my mind b/c a. he's wrong b. it'll drive him crazy.
I think he said that b/c on VD, we had an anti-VD party at the bar. We had paper lace valentines and people wrote silly things on them and pinned them to their shirts. My friend's read "you ruined my life"; I thought it was hilarious, so she gave it to me. I hung it on the wall in my office, where it has been all week. Told H that overall, the R/M was pretty good for me and only the last year & change has been awful. Told him that he didn't ruin my life b/c that sort of thinking / attitude makes me the victim and robs me of any sort of choice / responsibility in the matter.
H. screaming that I've gone through his personal papers, etc. Totally untrue. Don't even respond. H. accuses me of 'spying', saying 'you know exactly what's going on w/OW'. Truth is, I have no f*^&ing idea what's going on. H. also accuses me of 'not dealing' w/sitch. Tell H. I've been here for 7 weeks and told him I wanted to tie up loose end re: M/R, finances, etc. H. didn't / wouldn't talk about it, and I don't feel like I should have to pursue him to talk. This is what he wants, he should man up and take the initiative.
Tell him that I've been dealing for last 6 months. Have no choice in the matter, obviously. Seems to me that H is completely not dealing, just getting more and more enmeshed in fantasyland w/OW. Did not say that. Instead, AGAIN, say to H. to please get help for issues w/depression. This has been going on for well over a year. H. spews that depression is my fault / due to bad M, etc. Having had LIFELONG depression issues, gently tell H. that d has a way of coloring everything around you, and left it at that.
H. brings up that I asked him to hold off on filing briefly. Had he filed w/in last 2 weeks, D would be finalized w/in 2 weeks of my 40th b-day. Asked him to wait, so as to not wreck milestone b-day for me. When he brought it up yesterday, said 'do what you need to do'. Told him I'm weak, weary from this, need a break, needs to be done sooner rather than later, etc. H. claims he's filing next week. Don't know how, as I have the M paperwork. We got married abroad, so it'll prolly take a while for him to get duplicate paperwork, I think? But also communicated to H. that I'm not fighting D.
H. brings up financial, house related. Tell him I have to leave. H. will not stop talking. Tell him I have to leave again.
Calmly tell H. that after my move, the only things we have to talk about are financials, the house & the D. H. has mentioned numerous times that he wants us to be 'friends' after this. Every single time respond w/ I'm not going to be your friend, I'm not going to be your enemy, I'm just not going to have anything to do w/you.
H. talking about being 'generous' w/$$$, etc. Tell him I have to leave, we can talk later. Ask him if I should plan to talk to him after work. Says 'no, I have band practice, and will be drunk'. Say o.k. & leave.
So this morning, I notice that H. has been in my office yesterday b/c I found some of my office things in the bathroom. Huh?
I get that H. is hurt / angry. I suspect that H. is starting to reconsider decision to D. Ass-u-me that OW may be pressuring H. due to 90 min. daily phone calls. Could be totally off base w/that, tho.
Any insight? Feel like the pushing H. away is working. Acting like I'm WAW instead of LBS seems to be making H. nervous.
Last edited by Ruined_No_More; 02/20/1004:54 PM.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
