No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[25yearsmlc]

Bond,

You sound like a good guy, okay? But your post about the changes you have made left me sort of...dissatisfied. I realize we don't all need in depth analysis, or full neurological work ups, etc. But your take on the M sitch and your role in it was pretty superficial and didn't say much about a truly inward look on your part. In fact it was all about her flaws and insecurities and things she has to work on and the question was solely aimed at you and what you are doing differently....I mean, you said that you cook pretty well and are in good shape...well, that's nice and all. But really, I'm sure most women don't leave their h's because they aren't gourmet chefs, and while being in shape IS a cool thing that keeps a guy attracting, and attractive, it's also only skin deep.

So From my point of view, the ONE thing I figured I could control in MY whole sitch was how I behaved and what I learned. I felt that if I had been the best w I could be and my h still left me, then life truly sucks b/c wth? I mean, it's one thing to say "I did my best and leave the rest" but that means it could always happen anytime...WHEREAS if I had made some mistakes I could correct, THANK GOD b/c that is something I could control and therefore I worked my butt off trying to improve so that no matter what happened with my h and I, I knew I would be a better person/partner for life for someone b/c I CHANGED AND GREW.... I was able to say truthfully to my h, "If I had it to do over again, I'd do 'X' and 'Y' differently b/c I've changed..." and that helped both of us know that we would not go for round 2 of the "Same old, same old..." and yet hope things worked out differently...doesn't work that way. Know what I mean? So anyhow, yeah, I say take a brave look inside and DIG...

See, I think you kind of made yourself out to be fairly flawless....as in "what's to work on"? I don't think that will help you much here b/c it seems you're saying you "tweaked a thing or two" and so, if SHE doesn't fix herself, too bad, b/c M to you would be the same pretty much...so therefore, what's the reason she should expect things to be better??? And isn't it scary to think it's all in her hands then as to whether you two get back together b/c if she does not change, it's over b/c you were already about as good as you get....???
Here are some things I also wonder...

How do you two relate spiritually? Do you have much in common in hobbies or work or outlook? What would SHE SAY she wishes were different about you? Or about your work, or your approach to life? Are you a good listener? Do you try to fix things, or are you supportive to her, in her eyes?

Do you two connect on your visions of the future? How about child rearing? Would your wife describe you as (does NOT matter if it's true-we're talking about her perceptions and yours, not necessarily "reality")--"controlling" or negative? Artsy or practical? Politically do you have much in common?
How about finances? Do you have a temper? Do you apologize when you are wrong and if so, how long does it take you and do you do it begrudgingly?

Are you forgiving? Is she? How is that modelled inside your M? Are you interested in the same things? How do you feel about each other's friends?
There, that's enough for now.

I'm asking all this b/c I think this is more likely to result in a long term good outcome if we all dig deep enough to really look at ourselves and take a moral inventory, and then commit to improving as much as possible as people individually and therefore also, as part of a couple...and from that post you wrote, I didn't feel that you were doing that...but hey, it's just my take on it and jmho.

j-