You can't control what happens in C if he goes. Roll the dice and let them fall where they may or not. I agree with the poster who said that even if your H goes in there and gives the C an entire hour on why he is SURE he's divorcing you, it doesn't mean he ultimately will. He might. But this board is full of people whose partners have been saying that but not doing it for a year.
Yes, him going could cause him to "solidify" a bunch of notions and call you and give you a huge speech. Whether he follows through with that speech three weeks later is another thing. I could be wrong, but if he's goign to come to a quick final decision, he'll do it with a buddy playing a sport too. Right?
What will make it worse is your reaction to what comes out of this C meeting, I guess. Like if you get dragged into a fight or convincing match afterwards with your H instead of validating or at least not disputing his feelings about whatever went down. You have to be prepared to hear and accept his current point of view without judgment and know that it may or may not change. Easier said than done, I know.
Honestly, this all sounds like a very bad idea to me. IC is for YOU and I don't really understand why your H has to be brought in the mix at this time.
If he wants to file for a divorce then he will. If he doesn't right now he won't. Why do you *need* something defined (hint: you don't). If he is sharing duties w/the children and paying the bills as he is obligated to do, what more do you need RIGHT NOW? What you need is time and IMO the C could very much cut that time short.
When you ask the WAS to define something before they want to or before they are ready you are NEVER going to like the answer you get. It is way too much pressure and it doesn't seem like your H has any desire to see a C for any reason.
This all sounds very good to me. Sure, we are *all* artists somewhere deep down and that is fine and good but we are also adults. I can assure you that when you are 20 the struggling & misunderstood artist is hot. It's intriguing. The 40 year old "trapped artist" saddled with debt, two kids and a wife he is "kinda" married to isn't much of a prize. So it's probably good his brother is encouraging this phase. Soon enough everybody will grow quite bored of this (even the young pretty ones) and then and only then will he decide what path to choose.
Hell, play along. Become less rigid in your communication and perhaps hold back on your need to define anything right now but you. You will ALWAYS be a woman and mother and right now that is what you focus on.
Ok, after reading CityGirl I will admit that I have had a few past discussions when I was trying to get a sense of a more defined R anything that got responded to by my H with, "Well if you have to know right now..." followed by something negative, harsh, and definitive. So... On the other hand, neither of us have yet to pull the final trigger. But it was NOT pleasant to experience that either several times prior to DB becaues of ME trying to "communicate."
Honestly, this all sounds like a very bad idea to me. IC is for YOU and I don't really understand why your H has to be brought in the mix at this time.
My C's idea. I think maybe he wants H to realize that he can't have his cake and eat it too...i.e. have a "trial" separation and leave the door open while "dating" and talking about D.
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
If he wants to file for a divorce then he will. If he doesn't right now he won't. Why do you *need* something defined (hint: you don't). If he is sharing duties w/the children and paying the bills as he is obligated to do, what more do you need RIGHT NOW?
You're right, I don't need anything. I am not in immediate financial crisis, and coparenting is going really well. I can connect with him on that level.
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
What you need is time and IMO the C could very much cut that time short. When you ask the WAS to define something before they want to or before they are ready you are NEVER going to like the answer you get. It is way too much pressure and it doesn't seem like your H has any desire to see a C for any reason.
I think you're right.
You made me smile with your comments about the FB stuff CG . But point taken Coach and Ruined.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I decided to GAL by going for my second post-S run. I've been pampering a cold that I was worried would turn to pneumonia, but I realized that I had to get out. I also decided to GAL by not allowing my thoughts to torture me while I was running, so instead I listened to Buddhist teachings.
She started talking about how the ego's insecurity is seeking something to cling onto, but the nature of reality is ever-changing, open, fluid. How the insecurity feels like dying. I sat down in the field overlooking the mountains, the ocean, the blossoming cherry trees...and I sobbed. Raw grief.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
My C's idea. I think maybe he wants H to realize that he can't have his cake and eat it too...i.e. have a "trial" separation and leave the door open [b]while "dating" and talking about D.[/b]
Ok, well, why does your C think he has that sort of power or control over what your H thinks or realizes? Your C might *want* to make/help your H realize "what is what" but until your H is ready nobody, not even a C, will expedite that process.
In fact, even a small push by your C could really set back your DB efforts a great deal (IMO).
In fact, even a small push by your C could really set back your DB efforts a great deal (IMO).
I agree too based on my experience and some other threads I read...
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Ugh, when I quote or bold anything my screen jumps as I type...
And while this is JUST MY OPINION I feel it might be okay to put it out there.
On several occasions you have called your C an "alpha male" type. I feel you want your C to confront your H and stand up for you since your H doesn't stand up FOR you any longer. Since your H is no longer "in your corner" it seems you take some comfort in having *some* alpha male in your corner and that so happens to be your C.
If this C is helping YOU then by all means stick with him. I just don't foresee a good outcome if your H gets involved simply because you ask him to and not on his own free will. He will feel cornered and like an animal when they are cornered he will become defensive and unpredictable.
. But point taken Coach and Ruined.