Once he realises you have dropped the rope and are giong to let him DROWN he will be TERRIFIED... THAT is when he will look at the OW and reconsider...
Right now he thinks you are sitting at the phone waiting for him to call you... why would he leave the OW when he thinks you are waiting for his call?
No contact takes time... its not going to happen overnight... eventually he will start to realize he can't get a hold of you and he WILL PANIC...
Its more or less the same feeling YOU HAVE... You dont' like it much... trust me, he aint gonna like it much either when it hits him... Just stay strong and don't pick up the phone or reply to texts... He's testing to make sure you are there to sve him if he needs it... if you reply it will set you back
Better yet give your friend your phone so you can't reply
Eventually when he is panicking and your friend gives him the terms :
NO CONTACT with OW
He will try "we're just friends"... the simple retort to this is
"OK, if she's just a friend then NOT CONTACTING her shoudln't be a problem... YOUR WIFE is your FIRST PRIORITY RIGHT?"
My concern at this point is that your H may try to reconcile while still denying an affair... Puppy may comment here but I honeslty don't find that a constructive first step... we need to get your husband to face his fears and his shame and FULLY DISCLOSE what he's been doing with her for n weeks.
I think he's way too embarassed to do that... he's gonna be a tough nut to crack on that end, but in my opinion its a necessary step.
Just focus on No Contact For now.. he may come clean and surprise us all... I am afraid we may need a love letter or something to force his hand...
That is what I'm affraid of. He is still denying that he has had an A, and says they are just friends. I'm not sure I can ever get passed this, if he doesn't come clean.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I only have a moment (I think my daughter might be going into labor -- Puppy's gonna be a grandpa! ), but my short answer is:
It IS possible for a couple to get past an affair if the cheating spouse doesn't ever express true remorse. In fact, there is no remorse expressed the majority of the time (or it may be an "I'm sorry if it hurt you, but I'm not sorry I had it" sort of a thing).
it is NOT possible for a couple to reconcile if the breakup was due to an affair, and the affair is not ever ADMITTED TO. Forget the remorse, as you may not get it, but I believe it DOES have to be dealt with -- and preferably by a good family therapist or MC who specializes in infidelity -- and then also accompanied by a no-contact letter and full transparency plan being implemented.
He needs more pressure and more exposure yet... He will have to come clean eventually... He just needs more time.. you have only shut him out for one day...
Denial has more force in a group.. He hasn't been confronted directly yet, just a call on phone and you had apologize dfor that.. its nto a lot of force yet... time will add force on its own.. i estimated 4 - 6 weeks before he breaks down and admits something...
You need to keep him shut out for a while so he can see you are serious ... Your position is
I don't want to hear a word until you are fully honest with me about this woman.. I already saw you kissing her.. I am not stupid, i can tell when you're lying.... Lying to your children's mother about an affair.. You consider that being a good father? cheating on your kids mother and lying to her about it?
He needs to hear more lectures like that... he hasnt' gotten much.. he's HIDING yet...
He CAN'T get pressure from YOU, a friend or family member has to pressure him... your uncle is a start.. need more than that yet... expose expose expose
If we can keep no contact with him up... AND expose his affair to his relatives (yours won't have as much impact as exposing to his own family) He won't last long I don't think...
Right now as long as he has someplace to hide and not many people know he can keep pretending... but not seeing you for a few weeks will put a lot of pressure on him too...
His family needs to be told though.. THEY will pressure him i am sure...
YOu need to make sure when you expose to his family they understand your position :
1. You want to save your marriage 2. You want him to stop seeing this woman 3. YOu will NOT talk to him until he's come clean and ended his affair and promised to NEVER CONTACT HER AGAiN
His family can do your owrk for you while you rest...
), but my short answer is: