It is now 10:20 AM and I just returned from my L's office. He says this could get sticky since my H is leaving for deployment soon. He suggested that I feel the waters and don't bring up the conversation of D, but if he brings up matters relating to "Property Disposition", then I should be calm and just say, "can we talk about that later, taxes are the priority today."
He says my H's reaction may indicate how is feeling about everything. Bad reaction to me saying, "can we talk about that later," that may indicate that he wants to be in control and I should not let him. A positive reaction may be that he is willing to delay the conversation allowing for us to spend time together eliminating the possibility of an arguement.
L also indicated that I need to protect myself and suggested that I hire a PI to confirm the EA/PA. Can anything good come of this? I don't want to pi$$ the H off.
The H should arrive by 11:30. I bought salad fixings for lunch, but I am not sure if I suggest lunch. But he is a big eater and he has always enjoyed my cooking (i.e. that is another blame in my direction - HIS weight gain).
I am anxious.. I need to breathe....I should listen to the meditation CD to get me grounded before he arrives...
Wish me luck!!!
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Good luck...we are waiting to hear how it went! And Destiny, don't bother reading my whole thread, LOL!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Right now, my H is taking a nap on our couch. He ask if I wouldn't mind because he did not get a lot of sleep last night. The reason for no sleep: (1) he is anxious over being deployed to Afghanistan soon, (2) he has number of things he needs to go done between now and then at work, and (3) the state of our marriage. All of these things apparently kept him up last night or at least that's what he said.
When he came in today, he went through his mail and began compiling his items to do taxes. So while he was doing this, I was online to check work messages in the office. He came in and asked me if he should leave because "apparently" I was not happy to see him (no, I did not run to the door, nor did I run into his arms). I just said a nice "Hello H - How are you doing". He must have hoped that I would have given more than that...:)
I took everyone's advice and dressed in something nice and something he would never expect.
He than asked if I had anything he could eat because he hadn't ate all morning. I offered to mix a salad and baked a small serving of salmon. He said that would be nice.
When I was gathering all ingredients from the refrigerator, my H turned to me and said, "It is really good to see you". He then said he plans to be here all day and all evening (not sure if he meant staying the night) for us to do taxes, talk, and spend time together (even though right now, he is snoring away on the couch).
But before he went to sleep, he said that he was glad he was here because he wanted to give both of us the opportunity to spend time together because he DID NOT want to make a mistake about our M. But then in the next breath, he says "I care for you, but that doesn't mean we should be together or that I want to be with you."
What the HECK? Who is this man? Where is my REAL H?
So I decided to log in to let you guys know what has happened so far and to see if you had any additional advice on how to handle his last sentence...This is trying even when I thought his actions began to indicate positive movement.
Confused...but I am really happy to see him!
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Good job staying cool and calm. About his last comment....there is nothing for you to say! Don't bring it up! Just carry on with the taxes and let him be the one to bring up talk about your marriage. Remember if he says things like " I am unhappy" or "I am confused." You just say things to validate like "I see that you are confused." " I understand that you are not happy." But let him lead and let yourself handle pauses!
Good luck!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
He is now sitting at the computer compiling his reserve receipts for the year (an annual thing right before we complete taxes). I am in another room. He has indicated that we wants to stay for dinner.
Maybe he is just attempting to be nice in order for me to do what he wants. He says it is getting expensive out there staying at a hotel for the last 8 weeks while still paying other house bills.
Okay ..... what should I make of this... he is staying tonight so that we have every opportunity to "make the case" to stay together before we make a mistake. I really don't want to have these conversation. but If we must, I will let him steer. Thoughts? Help...
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I had to leave the room to cry.....says he has no desire to be with me......I am in tears....
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Destiny, he may feel he has no desire BECAUSE HE IS WITH OW! I know it's hard but don't believe it.
Now...would you rather be legally separated than divorced? If so, you could suggest that.??? Just listen and repeat stuff he says and because he's going back and forth means he is not 100% sure this is what he wants (to divorce).
And is he going to try to stay at the house because he's running out of money for a hotel? Puleeze...his choice to leave, his choice to waste money.I can assure you that if you let him move bak it will be very very painful to see him communicate with OW while rejecting you.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
All, thank you so much for the continued encouragement..
Here is what happened after my last blog.
H and I started taxes. While he was installing the software, I noticed that he seemed "bothered". SO I asked if there was a problem (not attacking) and that if he preferred that I not watch over his shoulders and just go do somthing else while he began entry of tax information. H said that is the one thing he DID NOT want me to do....leave him alone.
So, I helped him arrange his file of receipts by month and organizaed the folder where we kept all tax related information. H ran into an issue with the tax software and took a break. We then sat and talked about the R. He really wanted to talk about.
According to my H, he "doesn't feel like he wants to be with me nd that he did not really missed me and he thought the time apart would have made him miss me." He says he is now convinced that a D is the only way to end the pain.
H then told me he wants to move back into the house and remain separated. His hotel agreement is up tomorrow 2/20. He says he doesn't want to spend the money and he really needs to be someplace where he can prepare for deployment. He then shared his deployment orders with me and he will check in for Active Duty 4/30.
Says he doesn't necessaily want to be home because of "our situation". I did ask if he had planned on coming home if he was not going to be deployed, he said no.
I asked him how this was going to work..staying and living in the same house? Don't get me wrong, but I had been praying to God to give me strenthg and clarity. I wanted my H home, but not still separated. In addition, how can he live here if he is angry with me. He goes from on the surface being nice and then reacting badly to questions accusing me of being the reason for everything bad. He then yelled, and said he grows tired of questions and that need to be "normal". Then he asks me why "couldn't you just be normal?".
He came out and told me finally that he was angry with me for the last 2 years because in his eyes, I didn't turn out to be the woman he thought I was...he had tears in his eyes and they were red.
This was hurtful to me. I have been though so much and feel that I couldn't even defend myself. Within these last 2 years, I have been dealing with past incest by my stepfather, I have been dealing with the knowledge (that triggered my abuse memories) that my sister was abused by a family friend (she was so distance and mad at the world, I had no idea why), stress at work, discovery of an OW, his MLC, and unfortunately, my M suffered as a result of that.
I want to work on this M. He leaves in little over 2 months. He says we havea chance with him moving back ito the house to see if we can be a couple again, but that I should not have any hope.
I feel like dying inside......How do I do this?
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
You need to do this by giving him space. Even if he moves back in the house you need to keep your distance. It can be done. You can survive a MLC with him in the house. You need to mirror his actions. Do not SMOTHER him. This will lead to certain D talk.
Quote:
I asked him how this was going to work..staying and living in the same house? Don't get me wrong, but I had been praying to God to give me strenthg and clarity. I wanted my H home, but not still separated. In addition, how can he live here if he is angry with me. He goes from on the surface being nice and then reacting badly to questions accusing me of being the reason for everything bad. He then yelled, and said he grows tired of questions and that need to be "normal".
You were talking R talk and this led to him yelling at you. Do you see that?
Some of what he is saying is projection but other things he is saying are true. Keep your distance, make yourself more attractive so that he is chasing you. This is why we tell you to detach and GAL.
