flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[rr22]

Really though it's mincing hairs. There's nothing wrong with your email at all.

[newmama]

Flowmom, I think your email sounds terrific! Although I do agree that you don't need that last sentence. But it's not harmful if you include it--he does know how intellectual and businesslike you are, right? (LOL)

[flowmom]

rr, I think you're right. Here's a tweaked version. I'm not sure about saying to go "only once" because I don't know how the IC will present it to H. I don't want H to feel blindsighted if the IC "goes there". And I think the IC's strategy might be partly dependent on what he gets from H's side so it's not necessarily the case the I can get the IC to nail it down before I lure H into the session.

Hi flowdad,

My counselor believes that it would be helpful for us to meet with him to discuss the terms of our separation. Would you be willing to meet me at a session on [date + time]? If not, would you be willing to go to that session by yourself?

I realize that this would be about as appealing to you as putting on white jeans and going to a disco. I'm asking for this because more clarity would help me with the choices that I'm making as I move forward.

flowmom

I am really struggling with whether or not to go ahead with this. I think it's likely that H would do it out of a sense of guilt/responsibility to me (right after separation, H agreed with me in the past that I have a "right to know" what the status is between us, but I'm not getting much feedback from him).

PROs:

• I might get some clarity as to whether H sees this as a trial separation or a separation leading to D (there have been mixed messages)
• H might get a reality check of what a trial separation really is, and what people do when they're really trying to figure things out while keeping the door open to reconciliation
• H might get a taste of an alpha male C who can take leadership and challenge H on some stuff...without it coming from me
• it could create some hope in H that C can be effective in H's mind (I know that H really wanted the MC (Dec08-May09) to work...it sucked that our MC wasn't solution-oriented)
• gives me a chance to show him that I am finally willing to listen to him and validate him without being defensive
• it could introduce doubt in H's mind about galloping ahead with making choices that are damaging to potential reconciliation

CONs:

• invites D talk
• puts H on the spot -- if he's confused/not sure he'll be pushed into presenting himself as being more sure about D than he really is
• it could be perceived as MC even though I've tried to present it otherwise
• invites talk about the dating/sex that he wants to do...very tricky to know how to handle that
• if I just listen/validate, it could look like I'm in a passive role, just waiting to hear about what he's decided
• involves a lot of trust in the C...the C would be "holding the space" between H and I and if the C botches that, it would be damaging to our sitch

[newmama]

Discussing terms of separation- what would be discussed? You don't want to blindside your H (if that's the right expression)

If your C does not mention the D word, ask about a timeline or give an ultimatum then the separation talk would be pretty safe.

But if he does ask about divorce, you should realize your H's mindset might be that he wants divorce AT THIS TIME but could change!

I would just be wary of pressure...it SUCKS ROYALLY BUT if you don't want the divorce, then he kind of IS in control of that decision since last you heard, HE wanted it.

[flowmom]

Discussing terms of separation- what would be discussed?

I think dating for one. But I don't really know what else the C has in mind. He seemed to feel really confident that he could get through to H on some level, but it's not clear to me what that would look like. The C has a plan, but I'm not sure if it would help for me to know the plan and communicate it to H beyond what I've written.

[Awoken]

For what its worth, this:

I realize that this would be about as appealing to you as putting on white jeans and going to a disco.

It's funny, but if I was the reader/recipient I wouldn't like being told how I would likely respond. It may sound like mind reading, or worse, like manipulation. How about just leaving that one sentence out?

[flowmom]

Thanks Awoken. I was trying to add some humour, but everything I think of seems too loaded, so maybe I can't pull off humour right now.

[flowmom]

post category: driving myself nuts trying to figure out H's mindset by looking at his FB page (I don't think he knows that I look at it).

--

H's profile pic is him receiving a medal of bravery (from 2004) -- ??

H posts a sketch that he did before our R, with the line "A portrait from an artist as a young man"

H brother comments: its totally alright for you to say youre the artist.
but its SUPER ok for me to point out to everyone that you are the artist.

H comments: I 'was' the artist (making me The Artist Formerly Known As The Young Man). Now I'm aspiring to be an artist of life!

H brother comments: Bam.

--

"artist of life"??

[Coach]

driving myself nuts trying to figure out H's mindset by looking at his FB page

= Wasted Energy

[Vulcanized]

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Yup.