Dear HC, This is my first comment on this forum and my heart was taken by the pain that you and your children are feeling right now. Previous posters are absolutely correct – it is like grieving a death. There are losses along the way which need to be individually grieved. However, if I can, I want to offer hope. It is not over until it is over. Your marriage might be on life-support right now, but it is not dead.
If you haven’t already done so, I highly recommend reading Divorce Remedy (specifically the Last Resort Technique in chapter 6). I have been personally trained by Michele Weiner-Davis and have implemented her strategies in my own coaching business. Let me tell you, they work! Just this week, one of my clients’ H returned home after having a year long A. The year was excruciatingly painful for her, but she stuck to her DB strategies and now they are rebuilding their M.
A couple thoughts float to mind as I read about your sitch. First, do you have a place where you can express your anger, really get it out in a positive manner? Some of my clients find it helpful to go for a fast run or even get a punching bag! Their anger is then channeled in a way that isn’t destructive (ie: seeping out at work or at the kids or even your H). If you have something like this in your life, use it. If not, think about what might be effective for you.
Secondly, regardless of what happens to your M, you will always be co-parents. What I am about to say might sound ludicrous at first, but what is your H doing well in his parenting right now? It might only be a teenie, tiny thing like expressing desire to see the kids, but find that thing. And when you do have a conversation make sure you thank him for it. You could say something like, “despite everything that is going on right now, thank you for wanting to see the kids” or “I appreciate that you are making an effort to see the kids”. I know that it is easy to see all the things that H is not doing and focus on them, but this won’t be the most effective way to build a good co-parenting situation. So find the things he is succeeding at and make sure you let him know that you recognize them.
I hope this post is not too long. I am so pleased that you have the support of this forum and I will most certainly be thinking about you as you walk this journey!
