I've hit a wall.. Now what?

[blownaway65]

I hope you ladies don't put us guys on the boards in that same category as the WAH's.

hhh I think you are right on the money. I had a fantastic session with IC yesterday and the main thing that came out of it was that I have to really be able to let myself experience and process the anxiety and general "bad things" that come out the whole grieve, accept, move on scenario so that I can grow as a person.

I think I tended to not want to deal with emotions that made me uncomfortable, and the seductive part of hiding things you don't want to deal with is VERY strong.

[hhh]

BA65,
Of course I do not put you in the same category...FAR from it! WAW or WAH are in many ways off in their own worlds while we've been doing a lot of soul searching to not only save our marriages but become better people in the process. And one good thing from this, at least for me, is I have met so many fantastic people lately - men and women alike - who have gone through or going through D currently...and their is a depth of insight that we all share. That's one good thing that's come out of this process for me, I've met many wonderful people that I may not have met otherwise. And also learning that one going through D is not a stigma...I actually find some people 'richer' in character for it. We're all in this together, in some ways. Once you deal with these emotions you become freer in a sense...but you just have to feel them, let yourself go there to those weird/dark places - and then bounce back out stronger, ideally.

[blownaway65]

Spot On.

Took me a long time, but I now see this whole thing not as the breakdown of a M, but a HUGE opportunity for ME.

[avermont]

Yes, all these waves of emotions.

Good insight with the IC, BA65. Mine was saying much the same last night.


So, yes, ladies and gents--I guess we will continue to be taken by surprise by the waves and types of emotions--but we ride them out each time. It might be hate, it might be sorrow, it might be rage. Probably all normal given the sitch.

And the waves should get gentler over time, right?

[talia]

The Men on this board are nothing like our WAH's!!!! You WANT to stay married and committed!!! We love you for that!

The waves definately become gentler over time - and spaced farther apart too! I think the "feel through it" advice I got from my first IC was the ONE THING (if there can be one) that really helped me deal with everything. I would be a basketcase without those coping mechanisms.

I read all the way through "Love Must Be Tough" last night - start to finish!! Its a good book if you can deal with the whole Dobson/FoF stuff! It helped me be more sure in my latest approach and NOW I see where alot of the advice on these boards fits. I had heard so much of the tolerate it, fix you, make yourself the perfect wife for him stuff over the last year with H starting down the A path. I did it all and look where I am. If I had stood up right away when he started his first EA maybe things would be different. Funny how we can look back and see things so clearly.

Thank goodness I've found my dignity and self respect!!!!
On to "How can I forgive you" lets hope that one sheds some new light on this hatred I'm feeling lately!!!

Unconditional tough love and hate.... not as easy to decipher as one would think... well at least we will have something to talk about in IC today!!!

Have a great day all!!

T

[pearlharbr]

I just skimmed LMBT and read the applicable sections. Couldn't stomach too much FotF crap. But the overall message is excellent.

Waiting for your review of How Can I Forgive You.

[flowmom]

I hope you ladies don't put us guys on the boards in that same category as the WAH's.

I think the guys on the boards have a lot in common with the WAHs. The difference between a WAH and an LBH is probably mostly that the WAH is feeling more hopeless about the M...but in both cases the problems are real and likely have been for a long time.

There are patterns in how men contribute to and deal with marriage problems, whether they end up as the LBS or WAS. I see a lot of opportunities for us to support board members of the opposite sex, because of our understanding of how we experience the marriage behaviours of our spouses. WAHs and LBHs both need to understand how their failure to meet their Ws needs in the M opened to the door to later events. For reconciliation to occur, eventually WAHs and LBHs have to take responsibility for meeting their Ws needs, and not be stuck in blaming their W for everything.

PS: everything I've written above applies to WAWs and LBWs as well

[talia]

Wise words flowmom!! I think we can all agree that the folks here - no matter which side they are on WA/LB - are here for the right reasons and we can all support each other in that. I think I speak for alot of us in saying this place helps keep us sane!!


Had a good session with IC. She's helping me deal with the hate. We've identified that the hate comes more from the fact that I'm being forced to give up the "big" things and that H is the one forcing that on me. It makes a huge difference to label those feelings and understand them. We talked alot about me turning around the negative thoughts about the big things - that I didn't cause the situation and I have lots of empowering things I can say about my behavior. I need to work on NOT stressing myself out by trying to figure out how I'm going to handle the rest of my life RIGHT NOW!!! We also identified that while I am doing SOME GAL - I'm not doing what I need to be doing to care for myself. That ends today. Time to get back to taking care of me and doing good things for my PMA. The upside is - I've slid back a little with the depression, which I could expect to happen so at least its out of the way. The super upside is the backslide lasted about 2 weeks and I saw it for what it was and I'm well on my way to fixing it. This has been a huge fear for me and clearly it doesn't need to be anymore. I know that as the sitch plays out there will be levels of grieving and as they hit me I don't have to worry about slipping back into denial and depression. I feel like I've dodged a land mine!

On the flip side - I kinda have a date like thing on Tues. I'm having dinner/ going dancing with a guy I know from my salsa class. He knows whats going on with me and I've been clear about my boundaries. It should be really really fun! I can't wait to try out the salsa moves! Score one for moving forward!

If I don't have to work tomorrow I'm spending the day relaxing!! I've been stressing myself out so much! I think I might schedule myself a little spa day in the next week - can't REALLY afford it - but I could really use the relaxation. Massage/manicure/pedicure seems appropriate! Plus my sis cleaned out all her old clothes - she doesn't fit anymore with the baby - and brought them over. She has good taste and most of them are in great shape. I just about doubled the size of my wardrobe for free! Now I don't have to buy any more until I get to my goals. She said she hasn't worn many of them in years! Lots of good classic pieces. I keep looking for the right spring purse too - haven't found it yet...

My dad helped me pickup the new counter-tops for my kitchen so next week the renovation should be wrapping up. I hope by March 1 to be done with everything - 4 months is long enough!!!


Well I had better get some work done. Have a great day everyone!!!


T

[crushed_v95]

I hope you ladies don't put us guys on the boards in that same category as the WAH's.

So funny to be here and have daily epiphanies. I'm about to walk away but find myself with much in common with the left behind wives.

I've worked and raised the kids, and have been given no credit. My wife finds me unappealing, unattractive, a nag, a wet dishrag. She can't wait to get out on the weekends with her mother, chatting men up at the casino and bar, while I serve as babysitter.

She initiates divorce, then backpedals when I say I'll support it. She gives me the silent treatment. She screams, calls me an idiot (I'm far more intelligent than my wife in raw cognitive ability, but I really am a moron for sticking with her).

I've been faithful, loving, supported her in her career. I've also been able to see my flaws in the mirror as I read this board though. I've worked long hours, been negligent, haven't respected myself enough to set boundaries. I clearly don't value myself if I've let her get in the habit of acting this way. I guess I've been terrified of my kids growing up in a broken home (that was my experience).

There is something to be said for self-awareness, and this forum has provided it.

[talia]

Crushed,
Focus on you and what you need to fix. The amazing thing is.. the rest will work itself out around you - the way its supposed to!!

T