Is this piecing?

[flowmom]

You didn't let us down (((H4L))).

I hate to say it, but I think that you need to shift your focus away from H. You're getting trapped by him because your focus is on him a lot. Even when he's giving really clear "leave me alone, I sick" signals, you are not respecting them. The answer is NOT willpower and preparing the perfect responses. The answer is -- most of the time -- your mind and self being involved in something else. You can smile and even include him in what you're doing if he wants to, but he gets the space that he needs because you're busy having fun and doing stuff. I think you need to plan, plan, plan. When he's home, you need to have a plan of how you're going to spend your time. Maybe you plan specific crafts to do with your S, maybe you start a "cooking club" with your S where he picks the meal and you act as his assistant and he is the head chef, maybe you have people over for casual meals, maybe you do a home organization project with your S. Do stuff that H can choose to be part of, but that takes your focus off him.

Over here in piecing, you have challenges that I don't have. It's easy for me to stick to being busy when H is around because I know that he does not want to interact with me at all. You are dealing with the mixed messages from your H. He loves you and wants to be with you, but needs a lot of space and time to come back into the M. The familiarity of the situation invites all the old patterns to come back. You don't have the distance of separation to protect yourself from your own neediness.

I really think that Why Men Love Bitches book, or maybe the married one, could help you with figuring out how to avoid pursuer/doormat mode with your H. And I think it's working inside and out -- you act like you have self-respect on the outside, and that works its way in. You also work on cultivating self-love and self-respect on the inside, and that will manifest itself on the outside. The first step in the book The Art of Extreme Self-care is to look in the mirror and say "I love you H4L" every day for a month. Sounds cheesy, but it's something that even a mother has time for, and I really think that things like that work magic over time.