flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[flowmom]

rr, I think you're right. Here's a tweaked version. I'm not sure about saying to go "only once" because I don't know how the IC will present it to H. I don't want H to feel blindsighted if the IC "goes there". And I think the IC's strategy might be partly dependent on what he gets from H's side so it's not necessarily the case the I can get the IC to nail it down before I lure H into the session.

Hi flowdad,

My counselor believes that it would be helpful for us to meet with him to discuss the terms of our separation. Would you be willing to meet me at a session on [date + time]? If not, would you be willing to go to that session by yourself?

I realize that this would be about as appealing to you as putting on white jeans and going to a disco. I'm asking for this because more clarity would help me with the choices that I'm making as I move forward.

flowmom

I am really struggling with whether or not to go ahead with this. I think it's likely that H would do it out of a sense of guilt/responsibility to me (right after separation, H agreed with me in the past that I have a "right to know" what the status is between us, but I'm not getting much feedback from him).

PROs:

• I might get some clarity as to whether H sees this as a trial separation or a separation leading to D (there have been mixed messages)
• H might get a reality check of what a trial separation really is, and what people do when they're really trying to figure things out while keeping the door open to reconciliation
• H might get a taste of an alpha male C who can take leadership and challenge H on some stuff...without it coming from me
• it could create some hope in H that C can be effective in H's mind (I know that H really wanted the MC (Dec08-May09) to work...it sucked that our MC wasn't solution-oriented)
• gives me a chance to show him that I am finally willing to listen to him and validate him without being defensive
• it could introduce doubt in H's mind about galloping ahead with making choices that are damaging to potential reconciliation

CONs:

• invites D talk
• puts H on the spot -- if he's confused/not sure he'll be pushed into presenting himself as being more sure about D than he really is
• it could be perceived as MC even though I've tried to present it otherwise
• invites talk about the dating/sex that he wants to do...very tricky to know how to handle that
• if I just listen/validate, it could look like I'm in a passive role, just waiting to hear about what he's decided
• involves a lot of trust in the C...the C would be "holding the space" between H and I and if the C botches that, it would be damaging to our sitch