Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

maynard, yes, I feel like I have done well so far with NC. Not sure if it's showing any benefits yet with W but I know it's early yet. NC has helped me in the meantime to not be obsessed on my sitch. Yes, PI is expensive. She's driving one of her sister's car now so I can't do GPS although that's a good idea. Still unsure if I should be personable at meeting or keep it strictly business. I will be nice either way, just don't know if I should make some small talk...no R talk though, I know.

Coach, great to have you stop by and give advice on my sitch, thank you. I have really gotten my act together. In addition to my second job, I have a third job that I will be starting this spring. I took a course to referee youth soccer games last month. I'll be refereeing games soon which will be fun and is some extra money. I have spoken with a L and feel comfortable about speaking intelligently at meeting this weekend with W on what I am entitled to. I will stand my ground. W might get upset but I won't let that worry me. I hope at some point that the things and changes I am doing will make me attractive to my W again. I continue to do this for me.

Thank you for the book suggestion. I'll pick up a copy.

[mza8]

CityGirl, I agree with you and I have spoken to a few different attnys recently so I know what I need to do to protect myself. I feel pretty confident going into this meeting regarding a plan to divide assets. W is in fantasy land that she thinks she is not responsible for joint bills...doesn't matter if she uses those things or not. Legally she is still responsible. She must think I'm going to be a pushover with this, she would be wrong.

On the R side, yes, I do hold a lot of emotional connection with my W. I still love her and want to get past this dividing of assets. Then maybe she could relax. No question in my mind that she still holds a lot of resentment towards me for the past two years of financial stress. My depression obviously doesn't make a difference to her but that's ok. I'm not using that as an excuse, I except my responsibility. That's why I have worked so hard to first get help for my depression so that I have been able to move forward and get a job. At some point in life we all need a wake up call to institute change. Ths way mine and I'm taking it very seriously.

[The Wifey]

Search for Kalni Sunshine.

[mza8]

Puppy, if you're out there would you mind reading my last couple of posts? I'm looking for ideas of how to check if my W is involved in an A. We are separated so that makes things more difficult.

Thank you, mza8.

[mza8]

Sandi, checking if you are around and can offer your advicde on how to handle meeting with W this weekend. I've posted an update my last few posts.

Thank you,
mza8

[mza8]

Well tomorrow is the big meeting with W to discuss dividing our things. It's so hard to think about sitting there with the woman I love to doscuss dividing our things. It's like another step in the process of D. I haven't seen my W in weeks. I will keep the meeting strictly business, remain calm, validate, and stand my ground. I have no doubt that she will get at some point during the meeting with some of the issues that I am standing firm on. If it happens then it happens. I keep reminding myself that we are there to discuss these things but I don't have to make any decisions tomorrow. I will give myself time to think.

I keep telling myself that I am doing the right things with GAL, my new job(s), etc. Feel like I still have time in this process with W, just give it time. This gets so frustrating at times.

[mza8]

Getting ready for meeting with W in a few hours. We'll see how it goes.

When I think about my sitch it does upset me that my W will not even consider working on our M right now. I have done nothing but show her my unconditional love in our M. Yes, I was depressed for the past couple of years because of tremedous stress but that doesn't mean that I didn't love my W. Makes me feel like when the going got tough she got going. I read other people's sitch's here and see their WAS at least communicating with them. Some show at least some signs of progress. I wish that I could be at least at that point with my W, at least be talking to each other.

I don't know, maybe my W is angry with me still. By the tone of her voice in her voice mails to me she sounds angry. By her own admission she says that I am a kind hearted person and I am. I would do anything for her. When I allow myself to think about it I keep wondering why she will not give me a second chance. Obviously my depression and what it did to me for the past couple of years doesn't matter to her. That's too bad as I am now such a different person since being on my meds. Too bad she didn't support me like I emotionally supported her. I'm not putting them blame on her, just wish she could see things from my POV like I now see her side of things. If she is having an A I still can't see it, wish I knew what else to do to find out.

Sorry, just venting a bit this morning I guess. I'm still proud of myself for the changes and progress that I have made. Wish me luck today, will let you know how it turns out.

[sandi2]

I'm sure she is still angry and you need to expect that. Please do not go to the meeting with the idea that she is going to be sweet and fair about dividing anthing. She probably is keeping the anger fueled to make her feel stronger in her resolve (but IDK).

Here's the thing, you have only been at this for a couple of months. You had your awakening, and now you just cannot understand why she doesn't give you another chance. She felt that she was giving you several chances before she finally gave up and left. That is how the usual WAW thinks about the H. She sees the M over and she is done. You keep expecting her to change her feelings and you even said enough that I know you think after this meeting and things are divided up that she is suddenly going to act differently. I think, you used the word "relaxed" but I believe in your heart you are looking for more than that. I wish you would not set yourself up for a letdown.

Anyway, here is my advice about the meeting. Do not say any of those things you have already told her, such as this:

It upsets me that she left without being mature ebough to talk to me first. In one of the last emails I sent her I asked her if she could be 100 percent sure she wouldn't feel differently in a year. I asked her how could she be certain. In that case why not continue with being apart for 6 months with NC and then try to talk. I don't understand what she has to lose? After 19 years together why not be sure first? I know she feels sure right now but no one can predict the future.

If you start on this again, things will not go well. But if you act confident, kind, strong and honorable....then I believe things will go a lot better. It will be very, very hard, but do not use this meeting as a time for R talk. I think that is why she wants her father present b/c she knows you well enough that she's expecting you to pressure her about going back to you. Why not surprise her and don't be that man she expects to see.

[mza8]

Update with my sitch.

Met with W on Saturday. We met just the two of us, none of her family members including father. I thought that was good.

Met for about an hour and discussed selling house, car, dividing things, the dogs, etc. She began by asking me if I wanted to schedule our joint session with my counselor (to discuss closure). I told her that I want to keep the meeting strictly about our business. She said ok. Think she was a little surprised by my response.

She began to talk about selling house and dividing our things. I then informed her that I had moved out of the house. She was very shocked by this and not happy that I took what was left in the house that she did not take. I remained very calm, confident and collected. I would not get into an argument about anything. When she got upset I simply validated and said I understand how she feels. I said that we simply disagree on some of these issues and we will have to discuss them.

She informed me that she was going to move out of her sister's house and move into an apartment. I think that's actually a good thing because she will be away from her sister and finally deal with the reality of being on her own. I believe her sister has been a negative influence on W. W said she needed some of the kitchen items, furniture, etc. I reminded W that she had already taken some furniture and that I left her old furniture at the house for her. I also reminded her that she took a large sum of money from our joint account and she also had a lot of money in her separate account. She could use her money to buy furniture of kitchen stuff for her apartment. Let’s just say she wasn’t happy. Said we need to negotiate this stuff. I wouldn’t budge though and stood my ground. Kept my boundaries set. She also wanted to know where I was living now and I refused to tell her which she became upset about. She said that I know where she was living. I still would not budge.

I was very happy with the way I handled the meeting. I was never rude or argumentative. I wasn’t really “bubbly” but remained nice. I wanted to make it clear to my W that I was not going to allow her to bully me any longer.

It was an interesting meeting. My wife wouldn’t look at me very much at all during the meeting. She would look down and doodle on her notepad, just like she always used to do. When she did look me in the eye during the meeting it was when she was upset with me about something we were discussing. At times she was very, very nice and then would get upset when I didn’t agree with what she wanted. At one point in the meeting she told me that we are in two different places. I asked her what she meant and all she would say is that she felt that I wanted more time but she wouldn’t say why or what I wanted more time for. I told her that I felt we are both in the same place and that I am moving on with my life just like her. Another time in the conversation I mentioned something of how I knew what she was feeling and thinking about a certain situation. Well, that was a mistake. Before I could even finish my sentence she got upset and snapped at me saying don’t put words in her mouth and that I don’t know what she is thinking or feeling. Okay…note to self, don’t ever mention again what I think she if feeling. She definitely seems to have some deep issues with me. I wish she could talk to me about them.

No question that W is very angry with me. I know some of the reasons but probably not all. She said that she didn’t want to text anymore (I had set that as a boundary a while ago). I told her that I would only communicate by face to face meeting with just her or by phone. She said ok. I was the one to end the meeting. I told her that I had somewhere to be and I had to leave. She wasn’t very happy with the end of the meeting. I told her that she has her life and I have mine now and for her to call me this week about selling the house (she was going to contact a realtor). I then got my coat and left. She just sat there looking down at the floor as I walked out. Overall I was pleased with the way I handled the meeting. I never once talked about the M. I think my W left with a sense of “what just happened here?” Reality check is what happened. Consequences are what happened. Not fun being like this with the woman I love but I need to protect myself and show a strong side if I ever want a chance to save M. Hopefully I did ok.

W left me a voice mail yesterday that she had a realtor look at the house. W actually took care of something, I couldn’t believe it. I had always taken care of everything but made it clear at our meeting that she needed to take care of it. She left me a very upbeat message that she had taken care of the realtor. I left her a voice mail (also very upbeat) that I was having my own realtor look at the house and then we will decide which one to use.

Don’t know if it means anything but so far some of my boundaries seem to be working. She is no longer emailing (first face to face meeting by ourselves on Sat., face to face or phone calls now), and she is meeting with me by herself (no more talk from her needing her father at meeting). Something positive?

After the meeting I went to the house to pick up my mail and my wife pulled in 10 minutes later to pick up some of her stuff. I talked to my neighbors when I came back later that night. They talked to wife earlier that day. Said that my W said all good things about me. Said she left because of deep issues within herself and she needs time. For what it’s worth my neighbor(who does counseling) said she seems to be very troubled with her own issues. Thought if I continue to give her time she might come out of this fog. Everyone that I’ve talked to who has talked to my W all say the same thing, that my W seems very burned out and needs time and they feel she will come around. Anyway, who knows? I’m just trying to GAL, protect myself, be strong, and continue NC.

Thanks again for listening.

[GH31]

G'day mza8,

In my humble opinion you handled this meeting brilliantly.

I told her that I want to keep the meeting strictly about our business. She said ok. Think she was a little surprised by my response.

Good.

She began to talk about selling house and dividing our things. I then informed her that I had moved out of the house. She was very shocked by this and not happy that I took what was left in the house that she did not take. I remained very calm, confident and collected.

Excellent.

I reminded W that she had already taken some furniture and that I left her old furniture at the house for her. I also reminded her that she took a large sum of money from our joint account and she also had a lot of money in her separate account. She could use her money to buy furniture of kitchen stuff for her apartment. Let’s just say she wasn’t happy.

No surprises there, but you handled this wonderfully.

Said we need to negotiate this stuff. I wouldn’t budge though and stood my ground. Kept my boundaries set.

Excellent.

Excellent.

She also wanted to know where I was living now and I refused to tell her which she became upset about.

It was a test and you handled it superbly.

Without wishing to sound harsh, it's none of her business what you do with your life until further notice.

At times she was very, very nice

A ploy to get you to comply with her demands. Or, in your own words, to "bully" you.

and then would get upset when I didn’t agree with what she wanted.

See?

Overall I was pleased with the way I handled the meeting.

You should be.

I never once talked about the M. I think my W left with a sense of “what just happened here?”

Brilliant!

Reality check is what happened. Consequences are what happened.

Superb mate, superb. I wish more men on here would handle their situtations like this.

After the meeting I went to the house to pick up my mail and my wife pulled in 10 minutes later to pick up some of her stuff. I talked to my neighbors when I came back later that night. They talked to wife earlier that day. Said that my W said all good things about me.

I am not surprised at all to hear your neighbours have said this.

Keep doing what you're doing!!!

IT'S WORKING

GH31