TTA, imagine that he asked you if you called. You'd say yes. He'd say why or wonder why.
Even if you did end off with a D, don't you have a 1/2 year or longer to wait first from Jan? I just don't see the rush unless you are making decisions. You don't have children to worry about, you don't have tons of property, he is being a gentleman and it sounds like you are too. What is the point of the laywer now? If my W said she went, I'd be worried and want to go, too, but I have 5 kids and a huge mortgage with a wife that doesn't drive or work. Financially and emotionally, I could be in a real jam.
Your situtation on these boards is unique - you are changing, there isn't an affair, he's shown remorse and gone to counselling, and more...all withing a very short time.
keep on keeping on, i guess that's what i'm doing my best to do. hadn't heard from my H all day and got an email at 10pm. started out asking me about work, then telling me he has to go to some work related event tomorrow, then ended by saying he'd seen his new counselor tonight, that he liked her and she'd asked a lot of questions and he was looking forward to seeing her again next week. then he said maybe we could meet up on saturday.
i know you all tell me not to read into everything, but when i saw him sunday he asked to see me again this week and was pretty highly emotional throughout the night. this email, while nice, seemed like he was in a different frame of mind. he didn't express any of the urgency to see me that he'd expressed on sunday, and i guess he totally forgot i'm moving to another apartment on saturday, so i can't and don't really feel like meeting up with him on the day i have to move out of my apartment because he wanted to separate.
i want to sound encouraging about his new counselor, but i'm not sure how to feel when it feels like he may have cooled off a bit. i also was looking forward to seeing him tomorrow but now i guess i won't, which i'm kind of bummed about. still. it was nice of him to even tell me how his session went, i guess, and he did start his email out my asking about me.
on another note, i had a great meeting tonight about my service trip and i'm really looking forward to being home for a week (i grew up in new orleans) and doing some volunteer work, making new friends, and seeking my own happiness and fulfillment.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
What would you do if it was a very good friend who forgot? Maybe act that way? I forget a lot. I tried a computer and PDA, but still, some things just don't get the attention they deserve because I'm sure I'll remember.
Maybe his counselor is saying what you are worried about - that he might not have improved his M skills enough to deal with his own issues. Wishful thinking? Maybe, but don't we need some of it if we want to work it out?
Could you split the day? Maybe he might want to help you move, and then going skating afterward if that is what you want to suggest.
I was dropping off my W for her first IC session today. The kids asked us about kissing. I joked to W that we could kiss for them and show them there's nothing bad about it. My W looked like she was getting ready for a funeral.
Well...she wasn't listening! I'm glad I didn't overreact to that!
i see what you're saying, OTM...but i guess it's just hard to consider it a blessing when sunday he was crying about how much he misses me and today i get an email at 10pm that says "maybe" we can find some time to meet up on saturday. just seems a little hot and cold to me.
i'll respond as i would to a friend, and not say anything mean about him forgetting my move. i don't see him wanting to help me move, and i don't really want him to, anyway.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
You mentioned the drugs/alcohol thing. Is it possible his moodiness could be a side-effect?
I wanted to add that when I meant blessing, I didn't mean him persay, I meant that expecting him to call in the situation you're in still might be setting yourself up to getting crushed emotions.
TTA, Dropping the rope means NO EXPECTATIONS. There is always pull back from a WAS when something good happens - this is a great example. You CANNOT expect anything from H and clearly you are/did. Believe nothing they say and half of what they do. He SAID he wanted to see you - so BELIEVE NOTHING THEY SAY.
No expectations means you are cool to spend time IF it works for you and he asks; but if he dosen't ask - OH WELL! If you are going to make it through the long hall of this you NEED to start doing this for yourself. Just look at it this way - these could be the last moments you will spend with H so you are going to enjoy them as they come and be happy with that.
We've been telling you - at least most of us have been telling you - to STOP mind reading. You CANNOT read into emails - they are inherantly without emotion. STOP STOP STOP. You will make yourself crazy doing that. Please don't listen to people on here who keep telling you to think about what H is thinking or feeling. YOU DON'T KNOW and you can't possibly know. There is no magic formula for reading into things and coming up with whats going on in his head.
This has all been so fast for you and you are light years ahead of most of us at this point in our situations. I'm super proud of you for EVERYTHING you are doing. You have no idea how long it took me to get to where you are. You SHOULD still miss H - you spent the last few years with him as your main companion. Its OK to feel sad about this - you will for a while. Just don't let those feelings get into your head.
(((TTA)))
t
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
thank you, talia. i know i am trying to mind read or interpret his emails and that i need to stop. but at the same time, if i'm not supposed to believe things he is saying, should i also not believe it when he says he loves me or he misses me? and what if he is TELLING me how he feels, do i not believe that, either?
i know there is no magic formula for any of this, but if he says he loves me and i move forward thinking, ok, he loves me, but i'm still going to keep doing what i've been doing - am i operating under false pretenses because i shouldn't believe that he loves me?
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
if i'm not supposed to believe things he is saying, should i also not believe it when he says he loves me or he misses me?
Yes, that's exactly right. If he loves you then he will show it through his actions over time. You only believe it when you see it consistently.
Example from my life: BF said he wanted another chance to work on us. Not good enough. He sent emails, left letters at the house. After about a month of this I told him I would only think about discussing anything with him if he ended all contact with OW. He says he has done this. I show up unannounced at his bowling night and walk in on him standing next to OW. Lesson learned. Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
Keep doing what works and stop doing what doesn't work. Mind reading doesn't work. Having expectations based on what H says doesn't work. GAL and detachment works.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 02/18/1004:21 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
