Communication problems. I need to learn how to “break the ice” and talk about how I feel or about any issues I have even if I feel H will not be receptive. I stress out that if I bring up my issues it will lead to an argument. So I hold on to it and it builds up.
Building resentment and anger over the last few days stemming from negative thoughts/associations related to some tension in our R. It reminds me how I felt before I confirmed A.
The reoccurring anger about the A – betrayal, lack of remorse, trust issues, ability to forgive. 2 MC sessions ago, I brought up some things and H said he needed time to think about them before answering. I am still waiting. Also, I think about what if we fall back into old patterns, what reassurance will I have that H will not have another A. The therapist suggested a great response for H and I am still waiting for H to say that too. Some of my resentment stems from how H assumes if I am around, child duties fall directly under my care. H is stressed about not working and about paying bills but I don’t think he has seen it from my perspective. How helpless I feel in not being able to contribute financially and lessen his burden. It does not feel like “our” money and that I have equal say how the money should be spent. I try to the best of my abilities to spend wisely. It does not help that H has said he is getting into a funk and feeling a little depressed either.
Today I am feeling very low. Breaking out in bouts of tears all day. So finally, I start to try and talk to H late this afternoon. Barely get out a few sentences, and the kids wake up cranky from nap. I am already teary, H gets frustrated and “its all my doing” that the kids wake up miserable. Kids are crying now and H starts to go downstairs. I get mad and say something like “how come you always get to leave when they are like this”… he storms back and tells me to go downstairs and he will take care of them….I start to cry and he says something about being a single parent. Well, that just spiraled my already low mood even deeper downward. This evening, I didn’t care about anything and I was only there in body. Indifference. Depressed. At least, if I felt angry there would be some fight in me – some passion. I feel like everything was zapped out of me. I did nothing tonight but give the kids a bath. I laid on the couch and zoned out. And now I can’t sleep.
I am just waiting to hear the line “if I was home all the time, it would be a different story…” Hey, newsbreak – you are home a lot more this month – why don’t you show me how it SHOULD be done and get our kids whipped into shape. Just had to get that out of my system - better to write it here then say it in anger.
I still have not put my wedding bands back on. I took them off right after I confronted H about A and I have only just started thinking I should wear them again. I actually pulled them out the other day but just could not put them on yet.
And neither of us has said "I love you" to each other. Indirectly, yes... like "I would not be here if I did not love you". But those 3 little words together are having a hard time coming out of my mouth.
I hope that some sleep will put me in better spirits tomorrow.
"The sun'll come out Tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar That tomorrow There'll be sun! Just thinkin' about Tomorrow Clears away the cobwebs, And the sorrow 'Til there's none! When I'm stuck a day That's gray, And lonely, I just stick out my chin And Grin, And Say, Oh The sun'll come out Tomorrow So ya gotta hang on 'Til tomorrow Come what may Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya Tomorrow! You're always A day A way!"
