Communication problems. I need to learn how to “break the ice” and talk about how I feel or about any issues I have even if I feel H will not be receptive. I stress out that if I bring up my issues it will lead to an argument. So I hold on to it and it builds up.
Building resentment and anger over the last few days stemming from negative thoughts/associations related to some tension in our R. It reminds me how I felt before I confirmed A.
The reoccurring anger about the A – betrayal, lack of remorse, trust issues, ability to forgive. 2 MC sessions ago, I brought up some things and H said he needed time to think about them before answering. I am still waiting. Also, I think about what if we fall back into old patterns, what reassurance will I have that H will not have another A. The therapist suggested a great response for H and I am still waiting for H to say that too. Some of my resentment stems from how H assumes if I am around, child duties fall directly under my care. H is stressed about not working and about paying bills but I don’t think he has seen it from my perspective. How helpless I feel in not being able to contribute financially and lessen his burden. It does not feel like “our” money and that I have equal say how the money should be spent. I try to the best of my abilities to spend wisely. It does not help that H has said he is getting into a funk and feeling a little depressed either.
Today I am feeling very low. Breaking out in bouts of tears all day. So finally, I start to try and talk to H late this afternoon. Barely get out a few sentences, and the kids wake up cranky from nap. I am already teary, H gets frustrated and “its all my doing” that the kids wake up miserable. Kids are crying now and H starts to go downstairs. I get mad and say something like “how come you always get to leave when they are like this”… he storms back and tells me to go downstairs and he will take care of them….I start to cry and he says something about being a single parent. Well, that just spiraled my already low mood even deeper downward. This evening, I didn’t care about anything and I was only there in body. Indifference. Depressed. At least, if I felt angry there would be some fight in me – some passion. I feel like everything was zapped out of me. I did nothing tonight but give the kids a bath. I laid on the couch and zoned out. And now I can’t sleep.
I am just waiting to hear the line “if I was home all the time, it would be a different story…” Hey, newsbreak – you are home a lot more this month – why don’t you show me how it SHOULD be done and get our kids whipped into shape. Just had to get that out of my system - better to write it here then say it in anger.
I still have not put my wedding bands back on. I took them off right after I confronted H about A and I have only just started thinking I should wear them again. I actually pulled them out the other day but just could not put them on yet.
And neither of us has said "I love you" to each other. Indirectly, yes... like "I would not be here if I did not love you". But those 3 little words together are having a hard time coming out of my mouth.
I hope that some sleep will put me in better spirits tomorrow.
"The sun'll come out Tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar That tomorrow There'll be sun! Just thinkin' about Tomorrow Clears away the cobwebs, And the sorrow 'Til there's none! When I'm stuck a day That's gray, And lonely, I just stick out my chin And Grin, And Say, Oh The sun'll come out Tomorrow So ya gotta hang on 'Til tomorrow Come what may Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya Tomorrow! You're always A day A way!"
Hey Maple, Piecing is really hard! It's where most of us hope we will end up when we find ourselves in these sitches, but when we get here we realize it is harder than we ever could have imagined.
I don't have any magic answers for you because I am struggling through similar emotions...
But, what I am learning is that we can only control our part in the M and it is essential to push past the fear and speak up. What is there to lose at this point? Right? We almost lost our H's already, had to look into the face of that fear and deal with it. We got strong enough to confront an A, set boundaries and take our H's back within conditions that were acceptable to us... that takes courage, my friend! So, now when in piecing, where does that courage go? I have asked myself that question.
Remember how strong you were when you confronted the A? When you had to make difficult decisions about what you were going to do for you and the kids? Pull up that courage within yourself again and approach your husband from a place of strength. You are worth it.
I know this time of facing the fears and insecurities of "will this happen to me again?" hurts so bad. I know. Acknowledge that you are in pain. And it is valid pain. Then, pluck up your courage and speak up... not in mean or harsh tones, but firmly and calmly.
If you have accomplished all that you have so far, you can do this too.
I am the same way. I hold onto things, the anger builds and I become very resentful. H avoids confrontation at all costs. Not very good communication habits. Hopefully with continued MC sessions the communication between the two of you will improve. Try to bring up some of the more important issues at the MC in a controlled environment. The anger, triggers about the A can take a very looong time to get over. Are you doing IC for yourself? It may help you deal with all that anger.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
It has been awhile since I have posted anything due to the fact I had been feeling pretty low. The usual feelings of anger, doubt, resentment, and insecurity were overpowering. However, yesterday was the first time in I can't remember how long, everthing felt just....right. It was so right on so many levels. It was a great day and we didn't even do anything extraordinary. And to top it off H and I actually ML for the first time since Oct. I am looking forward to more of these days and I can finally see some positive out comes of MC. MC was not what I expected but I know we would be where we are if we didn't go. H said he is getting a lot out of it. And I am working on being more consistent with parenting, listening, and showing more appreciation towards H. So for the moment, this roller coaster ride is on top.
It is great that you are resuming your sexual relationship. As hard as it is to get past the hurt of the A, it helps you two reconnect on a deeper level and helps the bonds to re-form. I find it is essential to our piecing to keep that strong.
Keep going with the MC, keep communicating, keep having fun, keeping ML! There will still be a roller coaster for a ride, but eventually more ups than downs.... at least that is what I keep telling myself
Thanks for the update... I was wondering how you were doing.
It has been a bit of a roller coaster weekend but at least it is ending more positive than negative.
H showed me some questionable text msg he received on his new cell. He just got a new phone # and says once in awhile he gets some strange msgs. I am glad he let me know as if I had looked thru his phone, I would have got the wrong idea.
And I am finally starting to learn to bring up anything questionable to discuss rather than letting it fester. Last week H was talking about a online dating site with a buddy on the phone and his comments just made my anxiety shoot through the roof. I brought up that I overheard some things and he had a good explanation that eased my anxiety.
Intimacy in the bedroom is slowing returning, H and I ML and I hate that each time so far I get fleeting thoughts of him being with OW but luckily I can push those thoughts out of my mind fairly quickly and concentrate on task at hand. It is a bit of mood killer but I guess eventually it won't happen as much.
One thing (or maybe 2 or 3) things that bother me are...
1. H does not wear his wedding band. When we first married, H would not take it off, he was so proud to wear it. Now, he won't put it on. I brought it up the other day and he said he would wear it if I wanted him to but I have not seen it on yet.
2. I wish H would have taken the initiative to read my copy of ATA or another book about infidelity to understand my feelings/what I am going through.
On a good note that I am really excited about... I think I might have persuaded H to go away on a little NYC getaway for the 2 of us in June!!! I really miss traveling and H is such a home body. Anyway, I had stashed some money away 2 years ago when I quit my job for us to celebrate our 40th birthdays ( I knew we would never save the $$) so he does not really have any excuse. I wanted to go to Europe for a week but I can settle for NYC. A long weekend without kids, time alone with H and getting to see a new place. I get so excited about planning a holiday.
Sounds like things continue moving in a positive direction. Just make sure not to let them slide back into old patterns. Re: the things that are bugging you, I am learning to give time. There are things I would like to speed up the timeline on, but my H is not ready. I will give time, but not forever either. I have made it clear to my H this isn't a sure thing. He is re-earning my trust and commitment. I think it is important to let the WAS know that.
The trip sounds so great! I hope it is wonderful time for you to to re-connect and start building some new, special memories together!
Glad to hear things are going well for you. It will still be difficult for some time so don't let that discourage you.
Have you told H just how much him not wearing his wedding ring bothers you? Or how important it is for him to do something to understand your perspective like reading a book?
I think most of our men are similar in that they just want things to go back to "normal" and will try to avoid anything that will upset us or otherwise rock the boat. They feel guilty and don't like to be reminded that they are responsible for the sitch. I don't want to advocate stepping into a parental role and telling H what needs to happen, but I also don't see a problem with stating your feelings and needs and calling him on his crap if he's not pulling his own weight in getting the M back on track. Because if you don't solve the problems now they'll just resurface down the road. I've seen several people posting here who thought they busted their D's but never did the hard work and are back again. We don't want that to happen to you!
Rocked is right about learning to give time. I have had a really hard time with that too, wanting it to be fixed now. It's all about finding a balance. She's right that it is important to let H know that you're still working things out right now and there is still work to be done.
I love NYC! Our trip in Feb was way too short for me. I'd love to go back for a week, that's usually how long I stay. What do you want to do there? I'm a theatre buff so I go to a show every night and plan my sightseeing around that.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
H and I have not been sitting down for our nightly "t" time (tea and talk). This is probably why I have felt moodier over the last few days. I can always start to feel the anxiety build up when we let our talks slide for awhile. We have spent time together and even hired a babysit yesterday afternoon but just have not talked about our feelings, etc...
I was surprised at last nights pillow talk when H mentioned he has been feeling more remorse lately. It caught me off guard especially when he said he had a good cry a couple nights ago. We both agreed we need to sit down for a talk about what we both have been feeling lately. Then I fell asleep in H's arms. What a difference compared to last fall when I used to sleep in the middle of the king bed alone. Or if it was a night H decided to sleep in the marital bed, how he would cling to the edge - I was always amazed he never fell out as he was so close to the edge.
I have noticed that H's relationship with DD's has just blossomed. The girls WANT to spend time with H and give H their undivided attention. It is amazing how when H invests his energy and time with them, how they repay it back tenfold.
And H has started to wear his wedding band again.
Sometimes I am overwhelmed at what work we still need to do to stay on course but I see positive changes so far and just need to keep at it.
Good for you Maple, that sounds terrific, special shoutout to Rockedworld as you have nailed piecing and the continued work ethic that has to be continued to classify the sitch as such.
