feel like giving up - pt 2

[luvless]

before the moderators kill my long thread I'm posting a new one - here's my sitch as condensed as possible..

I was engaged to H the first time he cheated on me. I did not know at the time he cheated - I found that AFTER we married after threatening that I had to know to move on. He said it was only after we broke up (I don't believe it) same signs and signals that I'm experiencing today happened back in 1989. I let him go and he came begging and crying back 28 days later.

He seemed genuinely remorseful and I loved him and we got married. Here we are again in 1994 (pregnant with my youngest son) and he was "talking" to this girl at the office. I never really found any proof of that - I think they were just friends but H doesn't seem to know where to draw the professional line.

Here we go again in 1998 I heard a voicemail of his secretary saying she missed him and that he better get this message before his wife got it. I confronted him and he avidly denied anything (of course) but I wasn't gonna take anymore crap. I wrote her to act like a lady and stay away from my H and I wrote her boss - she was fired.

Fast forward to 2009 (see a pattern huh?) here we are with the same behaviors. I know its gotta be some dumb ho at the office but this time it took a while to find proof because of his work blackberry. I have no way to see the records. I find proof of a definate EA but can't prove it's physical - I'm sure it is otherwise he wouldn't be acting like such an a**hole nor would he be giving me a "it's not you it's me speech."

I've tried to hold on but I don't know anymore. I know I could probably forgive but trust?...I JUST DON'T KNOW.

So...here I am dealing with this all over again. It's opened up old wounds from 1989 and I didn't think I could feel that way ever again but I have. It's awful what he's done to me. I don't feel like a victim or anything like that. My H has always done everything for me - really but I guess he just has never respected me.

I don't know what to do. My initial feeling is to divorce him to punish him because of how he's treated me....and our family as a whole. The disrespect and blatant disregard for any of our feelings has cut way too deep.

I've been praying like a madwoman for God to help me because I don't want to hate him. I have been witholding my feelings of fear, hatred and bitterness and I'm about to explode.

I heard someone say today that they were SPENT....me too!