No longer sitting on the fence

[motherof3]

For those of you not familiar with my sitch here is a brief summary. (Okay so it didn’t end up being very brief. Sorry.)

H and I are both 33. We have been together 17 years, 10 of those years in marriage. We were high school sweethearts, dated on and off again through college and tied the knot after graduation. We have three extremely cute kids, S6, S4, and D2. We both work full time outside of the home.

August 2009 – I had noticed lately that H seemed different. My needs were not being met in more ways than one, so I decided that H and I need to talk. It started out something to the effect of; H I am not happy right now with the path our relationship is taking, what can we do to fix this? H replies, there is no need to fix anything, honey, ILYBNILWY. I am done with our M, I want a D. Needless to say, I didn’t see this coming and was in complete shock. My instincts kicked in and I immediately started begging, pleading, questioning, demanding answers, accusing H of EA/PA, etc. (BTW, I can’t prove or disprove an EA/PA. I couldn’t find any evidence and eventually stopped looking.) We went to a total of 2 joint MC sessions. The first one was used by H to re-iterate the fact our M was done and the 2nd session was used to find the best way to tell our kids that daddy was moving out.

End of September 2009 – H rented a townhouse and moved out. We split time with the kids 50/50. H makes monthly payments to help cover the family household mortgage, loans, day care costs, etc. Contact is limited to emails and rare phone conversations. Both of which solely revolved around the children.

November 2009 ish though December 2009 – Found DB and started applying the principles with constant backslides. H mentions using mediation as an easier and cheaper way to dissolving our M.

January 2010 – New Year = New Me. Finally got it! I realized that I am going to be okay no matter what.

February 2010 – I found myself sitting on the fence. To file or not to file, that is the question. There is some much more to my story. I go back and forth. What to do? What not to do? Which way is up? Which way is down? Will the pain ever end? What is the right thing to do for me? If you are interested you can find the details in my original thread. I will put the link in my signature when I figure out how to do so.

Present day:
I climbed down from the fence. I feel that I needed to try harder to salvage my M. Not to get the old one back, but to create a new, healthier M. I think this realization came to me because of my kids, more specifically S4. He has always had issues channeling his anger in appropriate ways. After H moved out S4’s behavior become worse. Whenever he was told no or didn’t get his way, S4 would lash out by hitting, kicking, biting, name calling, throwing things, breaking things, and verbalizing hateful things. All this build up of anger was always directed towards me. H never saw this side of S4. Until recently S4 attended a pre-school/day care program that provided him with many different social interactions, along with educational and spiritual growth. It didn’t take long for him to start displaying his inappropriate behavior at school. At this time, I explained to H my growing concern for S4 and suggested counseling for him. H said no, that it was not necessary.

Yesterday I received a phone call from the pre-school. S4 had displayed inappropriate behavior and physically lashed out at the teacher and several other students. This was his 3rd such incident and the school policy is three strikes and you are out. He can no longer go back. I feel so inadequate as a mother. How many 4 year olds do you know that get kicked out of pre-school? Probably not many. I am at such a loss. I have tried positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, charts, rewards, time-outs, and the list goes on. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Because of all this, I decided to take a stand with H. I decided to get back on the saddle again and try something different to work on our marriage, not only for me, but for the kids. I decided to take S4’s situation and try to put a positive spin on it. I don’t want my kids to become a statistic. I don’t want them to join the ranks of a ‘non-traditional’ family or a product of D. And if nothing else, at least I will be building a foundation in becoming a better co-parent.

NOTE TO FELLOW DBers: The below items were discussed during a DB coaching session and recommendations that were made by the coach. These goals and ways to go about reaching these goals may not work in every situation. Nor is it guaranteed that they will work in mine.

Goals to be achieved in the next two weeks:
1. Effectively co-parent with H and address S4’s immediate behavioral needs.
2. H to ask about my day/life by inquiring how I am doing?

How to work towards these goals during our planned phone conversation regarding S4:
1. Show warmth during our conversation (180). The first sentence or two out of my mouth during this conversation will impact the flow and final outcome of the conversation.
2. Do not come across as standoffish or cold but rather upbeat and sunny (180). Make H feel ‘safe’ or comfortable while having the conversation. Treat him like a friend. Make it a friendly conversation.
3. Ask the question to self, is what I am about to do or say going to bring me closer to H or push him further away.
4. Keep trying. Be consistent in the approach and monitor the results.
5. Expect H to retreat from my new found upbeat and friendly attitude.

Here is how the conversation went.
H: Hi. How are you? (Goal #1 achieved? I believe this question was just H being polite.)
M: (Upbeat) Hi. I am good. How are you?
H: Tired.
M: Why so tired?
H: I just got back from a trip. (He was traveling on business so this is the first opportunity for us to discuss S4 in great detail.)
M: From where?
H: NY
M: Did you run into any problems with the weather?
H goes into some minor details about his trip. Nothing elaborate.
H: I had a heart to heart with S4 today.
M: What did he say?
H gives me the details of their conversation most of which was regarding S4’s recent behavior at school.
M: I am at a loss as to what to do? How can we help him?
H: I sent you a couple of emails with links to different articles I found that may help with his behavior. (H did his homework.) I know you mentioned this before and I didn’t think it was a good idea at the time, but what if we get him into counseling. Maybe you can go too and learn some new or different parenting techniques. (This comment pissed me off but I let it slide because H did suggest counseling for the S4. I felt like H was implying that S4’s behavior was my fault or placing the blame on me for not knowing the proper parenting techniques. WTF? I am not the one who broke the family apart. Anyway, moving on.) The conversation continues for a little while.

I wrap up the conversation by thanking him for sending me the articles and that I will take a look at them.

End of conversation.

Not bad I guess. This is the longest conversation I have had with H since before Thanksgiving. There were a great deal of 180’s on my end as the last several months I have not made it very easy for H to want to have a conversation with me. H and I will need to have additional conversations to firm up the counseling plans but I want to check out a couple of therapist recommendations first. In the meantime, I plan on taking a look at the links H sent to me.

I apologize in advance for any spelling or grammar errors. I am functioning on little sleep. With that I will say good night.