How do you deal with that, not knowing if you are "just buying into fate" when you don't speak with your H?
To keep my mind off my H and on myself tonight, I am heading to a latin aerobics class tonight. I have not been to class in 3 weeks due to a cold and then the recent snowmegaddon. Looking forward to working off some stress and exercise always help me relax.
Hope you all are having a great day.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Well, one thing that helps me is that we have 2 kids and they keep me busy! And, after having cancer I know that you just never know what tomorrow will bring...anything could happen! I have started going to church (although I haven't been good the last couple of weeks about going) and that seems to help! I guess it is either have hope or be done and I am not ready to be done so I keep on going!
Latin aerobics sounds like a good way to burn some frustrations...good for you!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
CW, you are a strong and courageous person. I really appreciate your cheers and encouragement. Whatever I can do to support you, I am here.
The class was great...I need to make sure I don't miss anymore, because it is my Wednesday night activity and gets my out of the house.
"Tomorrow may not always bring us what we want, but it sure gives us another day and an opportunity to succeed."
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Thanks DU- I have never thought of myself that way! I am glad you liked your class! You are going to be fine no matter what!!! If you get on the alt...look me up!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Well fellow DBing friends, my H and I are suppose to meet tomorrow to do taxes and to "spend time together". I am not sure what that really means. He asked me if I had anything else planned for us to do.
Well, I have an appt with a L tomorrow morning (early.. 8:30). My H said he will arrive by 11:30 ( I am not holding out that he will even show on time). I am really nervous about meeting with him, because this is only the 3rd time I would have seen him since he left.
My issue is me (and I know it is me) allowing him to manipulate me...I have to not let that happen. He is the one who cheated....not me. Why do I feel bad? The only thing I feel regret for is how I handled the discovery of his OW. I yelled, I was angry, I was plain upset and he knew it. But he used that as the excuse to "validate" his seeking out someone else. Coming home to an "angry wife". . . . What is that?
Okay, I can feel myself becoming agitated. Okay....help me out.. How should I approach the H when he arrives? I will try to be happy and just plain upbeat. No sign of issues, just really excited about life right? "Act as if"... I think that is GAL'ing.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
Hi, Destiny, Confusedwife told me to check out your thread! Well tomorrow is a big day for you. First, let me tell you that on Oct 14 my WH said "I am completing paperwork for D" I flipped out, etc. The very NEXT day I found DBing and start acting calm, cool, collected, confident...like he never even brought it up.I have not shed ONE tear in front of him since. Instead I have been GALing, and 180ing but also working on areas that were lacking(self improvement). And 4 months later, no mention of D talk. I'm not a success story yet, but maybe WILL be?
SO I tell you this because TOMORROW you can start to change and turn this around for yourself! Good idea to picture what he might say or do to manipulate you. Now practice picturing yourself NOT reacting to nasty comments. Maybe saying "Hmm." or "Yes, I know you feel that way. So how about those deductions?" Meaning change the subject swiftly.
Look good, you will feel confident after meeting with your L, DO NOT APPEAR EAGER to see him...take your time, force your face to be pleasant looking but not a huge teeth eating grin (LOL) because you missed him. And do not let your anxiety show...pretend you do not expect him to bring up D talk. You will be making it look like you don't need to pursue him or tell him how great you are because YOU KNOW it. Think to yourself "this is just a phase he is going through...be patient, Destiny" the whole time.
Think of it like this- if you were told you got to eat lunch with George Clooney to discuss the town where you live for a movie role, you are going to do your darndest to keep your nerves in check, and not gush all over him and will want to act like "yes, I talk to drop dead gorgeous celebrities every day!"
As for him "baiting" you where he wants to see you get pissed off, visualize seeing the words hang in a talk bubble, then the bubble breaks open, the letters fall one by one and slide down your back. You can ignore his comment, say "Sorry you feel that way" or excuse yourself to go to the bathroom/check your phone/pick up something that "dropped" on the floor.
AND IF HE BRINGS UP D talk...you say "Well, you know that I do not want this. And you feel you want it.But let's discuss it another time. I have a meeting I need to get to/we need to finish our taxes first/etc."
If he tries to pin you down for a time, just say "I need to check my calendar and I'll get back to you!"
Then no more pursuing....and you can be assured that your H will know you don't want to D him (haven't you made that clear even if you don't tell him tomorrow?). He will just be curious as to why you aren't paying attention to him. ANd human psychology---we want what we can't have/don't know what we lost until it's gone, etc.
And then set some goals for yourself! What areas will you improve? What hobbies/classes/activities will you do?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
In my case, every time I thought I was making progress my W was working diligently to get D things going forward. So perhaps I'm not the right one to give advice ....
But I did pay for three Divorce Busting counseling sessions and what I learned there was ....
Be a world class listener. Don't jump in to make points. Let him do the talking.
Do not get roped into a D talk. I remember one time I was asking W about an insurance issue and she said to ask my work about something. I'm on her insurance so I said, "why, are you filing soon." She said yes and I didn't grovel or crumble. I felt good with how I handled it.
Dottie, my DB counselor, said I screwed up by being the one to bring up the D. I could have just said, "OK, I'll check with work" and moved on.
It's good advice, although in my case it hasn't helped. I don't envy you. These meetings are tough. I'm tired of "shining" in front of W. Next week I have to see her at parent-teacher conferences.
Just don't get your hopes up.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Newmama I read your thread . . . . it's amazing the patience you have. Thank you so much for the advice.
If I could do somethings differently in my M, I would if I had the chance. My H is not leaving me much of a chance when he refuses to call or talk.
I am going to keep my head held high an try to NOT let the H get to me. I have more of your thread to read, but you hang in there as well.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
