WAW has WA History... im scared!

[hitter]

HI
thank god i found you all. and this site....
Sitting overseas, in europe and wondering why i have to turn to an american site to find some help, an relaf...

History sort:

Girlfriend with history of WAW left me 3 weeks ago. I see now it a very common reason she is giving me...
Not happy, don�t know if she loves me, can�t feel anything, feeling under pressure, felling dominatet by me, lost herself and needs to live alone....

I let her go, tried not to beg, but asked if she thougt it was the right thing to do.. She thinks so... we are never ever gonna be a couple again, she is not even thinking that way, and not working on it, and wants me to say goodbye...

She left the same day she told me( day after my birtheday) talked to her a few time since. She wants her peace, wants R. to end NOW, and get the H. away from me.
The few times we talked i tried to be nice and fn, but i was so sad that i sometimes cried, and asked "why", tried to make her see all the good things, that she seems to have forgotten.

Sunday she was here" to answer my questions " and to pick up mail, and made it very clear she only did it for me. and that thisalso was a sad thing for her and so on. Left her key on monday and is comming tomorrow to discuss our little comon gardenhouse, witch she loves, and me too.

I hate it! i�m afraid she wants the house, or won�t give it to me, and wants to sell it.... afraid that if i tell heri want it, she says.... " told you so... you never in the first place wanted me to be a part of the house and your life...."

She wantet to buy the house together because she never has owend anything, seeing it in the rear mirror i can see that it might have been so important to her, because she wantet to have a part in it if we spilt up. She wantet to pay for it, but forgot to do so, only till i reminded her 1.5 yera after we bought it, she payed me the money.

what to do what to do ???

i don�t wnat her to hate me, or mistrust me... but anything i say and do is misinterpretet by her. All i do, and have done for her during the years wasn�t good enough, og the right ting. And thats what made her unhappy an unscecure. That i didn�t buy a mutual appartment, that we didn�t have kids yet, and so on... and i saw it as a common goal, but that we were on our way to that goal... and when she started to pull away from me, i startet to "fix us" and persue her and talk and ask and and and you all know the story.. and she became a caveman an pulled away and wantet her peace... and now she decided that the only way to get that, is to leave me, and get away as soon as possible.... only problem is that she has got an arpartment 100 m down the road, and that she seems to think that she has the rigt to some of my friends..

aaaarrgggghhh i hate it, and thinks it�s so difficult to do 180, be nice, wait wait wait... because with the housdecission tomorrow everything can go wrong... she reacts in such unpredicteable ways.. and always think that i wants to cheat her or always sees negative things in all my effort...

and i worries me that she left a few other spouses, with a clean cut, and never went back. She is too proud to admit a mistake or to come back....
and she has been hating her job for 2 years and instead of leaving the job, she left me....

thats a thing she knows to do ....

[hitter]

and ofcourse i see my mistakes. I put her under pressure, didn�t leave her alone when she asked me to, lost our humor ( and she as a great one) unintentionally!! and out of pure love.. i wanted to fix things, make her feel better, let her know i loved her... and sometimes i did it right, and somtimes i nagged her. told her what to do and what she was supposed to do...

it seems that she never has been able to forgive that i,
early in our relationship said that i wantet to see about children, because at that time i just wantet to be the 2 of us. Afterwards i maybe didn't tell her, clear enough, that i ofcourse wantet children with her, and it broke her heart i
think.
i sometimes forgot to tell her what i was thinking. and hoping. i told her so much other stuff... but not the 2 things she wantet to hear.. and when i told her, i didn磘 follow it up in my actions and our relation got worse and worse.
> Well we love each other and really want to be with together, but she had enough of arguine and discussing and the good times we have had is in her mind so far away that she can only see all the bad things.

> She is very black/white in her thinking, so now she decided to leave me
Monday, packed thuseday and left with all her stuff Saturday

i ofcourse want her back, cause i can see where our egos have butted heads
and think we are a good couple. We just got of track and couldent find the way back.
> She has磏t spoken to me so i wrote her a letter where i told her i was sorry and that i could see her point of view. Ditn磘 hear a thing form her..called her Monday night late and we talked for an hour, she told me it�s to late, she wants to be on her own, find her self again, thinks we have hurt each other too much to fix and wants to be left alone. I just agreed and
told her i was sorry for my actions and the things i have forgotten to share with her, at the right time. Hoping she would come around, didn�t� feel pressure and change her mind.


>
So i need good adwise right here and right now. i want to moe on, but the biggst part in me wants her to come back, or say she will work on it, or give me some hope for our common future... so what to do ???

[Awoken]

Hi hitter, I'm sorry you need to be here, but glad you found our community.

Even though I'm not very experienced, I'm posting for you because I remember the courage it takes to make that first post, and then the pain waiting for just someone to respond. Keep in mind that many are reading what you post and thinking of you, even if they don't post replies.

You are the first I've seen here that is not married to his WA, and I don't know how that effects the advise learned and given here. Nonetheless, have you gotten the "divorce remedy" book yet? I think the principles in there would apply to your situation too. I suggest you get that book right away; and don't share it with your GF. It is for your eyes only.

Try to read as many threads here as you can. I wish I had done more of that when I first got here. Many of your questions will have already been answered in great detail.

You need to take good care of yourself! Be sure you eat, drink, and get sleep when you can. Exercise can help with the sleep. The better care you take of yourself, the clearer you will be able to think and handle yourself.

Hang in there.

[hitter]

Hi Awoken ( nice name, think i feel that way too right now, i see everything in a much clearer way, and is ready to progress... but hard to do alone)

thanks for the answers, i will rember the eating at exercising!!

I just got DR book, and read it... and will try to not to do what hasn�t been working...
I keep reading the treadhs here, because the make sense, but the hardets thing right now is the thing about the little gardenhouse.
the dessision is tonight, and after that shes gone... yes we are not married an thats why im worried, that when we have talked tonight i don�t see her again.
I also had telephone counsling, and that was good- but hard at the same time to see my mistakes... my stobborness, and that i now see it, and wants her to know that i see it and see how everything can change..

But can�t tell her ofcourse. thats what she expects me to do.. to fix and find solutions... so i won�t ... but is eating me up inside to know, to see and to want.... and have to waite and wait and hope....

thanks again!

[hitter]

she was here to discuess the little gardenhouse.
I started in a nice way, trying everything my coach said.
She was just pure mad, an got even madder. telling me that with my attitude it seem like i didn�t want the house enough.

ohh is she wrong!

But she wants it too.

I tried to end the conversation, but she wanted an answer.. wanted me to make a desission. she wanted to meet at my house, so it was difficult for me to leave, eventhough i told her th�t we couldn�t get any further right now.

then she started crying, telling me how much she wants the house, and that im not the only looser in this game.

her crying made me cry and we ended up crying about or losses, with arms around each other..

then i made my big mistake.. told her that we might be able to look at R. and not having to loos "us" and house...

She told me in a cold an firm way that that never would happend, because she would never allow it. Never allow anyone to hurt her so much again.
i told her great, we both changed.. thats positive.
But the she came again with the no, never won�t happen forget it...

im so hurt, will not sell the house and then again she made me call the boss at the comunity where the house is, and ask her what the sellingprice would be for the house.

GF also wants a new house in the same area so she is not out of my face and will not be. she also got an arpartment 200 m from ours, and is still seeing what at the beginning was my friends...

why won�t she leave me alone and leave everything behind and go on in her new life... ??

anyway.. i walked her out the door, i had an appointment with a friend, to my car and drove away. got out of car as i passed her, wiped snow of windows, huged her and drov again. .. was going to gazstation but forgot money, turned around, and there she was, right in front of me, in her car.. i was going the same way as her, but she stopped, looked at me and i wawed.. she called me on the phone and asked if i was following her??? and i could hear that she didn�t belive a word of my expalnation. i didn�t even see her before she got out of the car...

so now i have cried, begged, asked her to start over, followed her and did other things wrong in her eyes.... so i might as well give up i think...

she never belives a word im saying anyway....

hope to hear from some with good adwise

[Awoken]

Hitter,

you are reading the book i hope.

You have got to change the way you are communicating with her.
Everything you are doing sounds like you are trying to hold on to her, and she knows it.

It doesn't really matter what she says: "no, never". She is likely in as much turmoil as you. The difference is she's been working on it a lot longer. It's not fair, but you are being forced to catch up with her on her time frame.

You need to figure what Hitter wants, what will make Hitter a better, more complete person. Stop trying to save your relationship and start working on yourself. That way, no matter what the outcome, you will survive as a better person.

Everything you are doing now, she expects. Change everything, make changes that are good for Hitter. Don't consider how it makes your GF think or feel. Don't be an ass about it, just accept that your old relationship with her is over. If you have any chance of her coming back, you will need to form a new relationship with her.

Look the book is much more articulate than me. Read it, Read the threads here. Do it as soon as possible.

I'm sorry no one else has posted yet. Someone else will be along soon.

Hang in there.

[hitter]

Hi Awoken

thanks for your answers. i know you are rigth, and i already tried to find out what is good for me. but you might be right, that i under it all, still is thinking that "we an make it"

i have read the book, and tried some of the things. but it all seems to backfire.

the only thing left right now, i think, is me getting mad og on top of things and start dictating her what to do. She has been doing that with me all the time.
She has made all the decissions in this so you are so right, i have to catch uo with her in no time.

i have tried to move furniture, cut my hair, dress nice and so on, everytime we meet. Im also is looking for an appartment, so i can move out of "our home" - and she knows that, but haven�t commntet on it.

when i read the book i think, oh i can do that - but when we meet, her reaction is so hard that i fall back into old patterns. And you are right. I want her back so much, and she knows.
and i don�t know what i can do to make her think differntly about me. or how i can change.

beeing nice and cheerleading didn�t work, so the only place i see someprogess was when i raised my voice and told her to stop belitteling me.

Again, thanks for haning in here with me- i also wondered why you were the only one to answer, but hope it hasn�t anything to do with my poor spelling in english...:)

[Awoken]

Hitter,

I don't think it's your english; I understand you fine. Perhaps this forum is more for people trying to save their marriages.

You are still thinking in terms of what you can do that will affect or control your GF. Focus on YOU. Stop interacting with her, except for polite conversation. Do NOT discus the relationship.

I don't think you should be raising your voice at all. You should instead be calm, collected, and too busy to deal with her. Everything else you are doing is confirming her reasons for leaving.

Hang in there!

[hitter]

thanks awoken,

i consider our relationship as a marriage, and would so much like to save it - and her to forgive me or forgive us. put things behind and move together....

i try all my best not to discus R. but at some times she brings it up, and i respond. i have to draw away from that.. i know- but its so difficult.

i keept calm yesterday where she was all over me, telling me what i did wrong at 2 years ago, that i never make desiccions, and that i was up to something with the little gardenhouse ... she was yelling and screaming and i now see that i should have said , 2 ok, i hera you, i�ll talk to you later" but i tried to reason and explain that i never would do something about the gardenhouse behind her back.
i should have left, i stayed and let her become very nasty and unfair towards me.

As i read your last words, i�m pretty sure that i confirmed her reasons for leaving me big time... she told me that she could not stand the sight of me, suffercates and so on...

and all i was going to get was some papers for the gardenhouse so we could go on with the selling of it. nothing else. and she just exploded. i know this is a difficult time for her to, and the loss of the house and future is also hitting her big time hard... and i think that i now is getting all her frustration and sorrow spilled all over me.

and yes.. i tink im trying to control har.. wants her to come back nw, see that im sorry and really gets it... and thinks that im doing everything different, but is still doing the stupid dumb same things....

Thakns Awoken for keeping me focused on me....

Hitter

[hitter]

but the sad thing is that i really don�t feel whats important to me...
i don�t know what i want other than for her to come back and let us fix it...

i have been to good at felleing whats important for her.. and not for me.... so now im really lost....
and have no clue how to feel my self....


hitter