rr, other than being present to greet him and briefly discuss children's status and logistics, I don't spend time with H even when he is at home...I retreat to my office. I do find it interesting that he's been able to stick to his "code" mostly before now...but now some cracks are showing.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
After denial and distraction (several months of) wore off, my H's mood problems seem to have gotten worse with many cracks showing. They may be on an agitated anger high on the way out the door and then it gradually gives way to depression as the continued drudgery of work life and financial stress (and in your case coparenting) sets in.
This board is full of tales of WASs falling to absolute pieces within the first year or two. It's sad.
Wow how did I miss the whole night shift problem?? I must have forgot! ANOTHER variable that makes life challenging for you right now!!!
humor--uhm, whenH says "all I see is a big pile of garbage here" all I can think of are stupid, corny sarcastic comments like "guess you better get your eyes checked" "uh oh are you using those same eyes to drive?" "yeah. I decided to let the kids play with garbage for toys."
I know these are bad! But when someone is baiting for a fight, the best response is to be calm and not engage. So you did a good job!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
This board is full of tales of WASs falling to absolute pieces within the first year or two. It's sad.
I thought H was already in pieces
Originally Posted By: newmama
Wow how did I miss the whole night shift problem?? I must have forgot! ANOTHER variable that makes life challenging for you right now!!!
Ooooh, yes. H started shift work right before we got married. He's always had sleep issues, but shiftwork + parenting + small home was a really bad combo for him. For so long, our lifestyle has seemed like a puzzle that we couldn't solve, partly because we couldn't communicate effectively and create a common vision for our shared life.
Last edited by flowmom; 02/18/1012:37 AM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
rr22 - are we pals on the alt too? I get confused when everyone's alt name is different from the db site names!
fm - you rock. You totally handled his baiting perfectly. I know that our Hs have worse times - mine is when he's tired, busy, or rushing out the door. You know what? I don't care any more. There's no reason for it. Or, there's a deeper reason for it that needs to be addressed, not vented.
Staying away, walking away are my only techniques. Admittedly, my H gets worse if I say ANYTHING.
Still looking for input as to whether to send this email to H:
Quote:
Hi flowdad,
My counselor believes that it would be helpful for us to meet with him to discuss the terms of our separation. Would you be willing to meet me at a session on [date + time]? If not, would you be willing to go to that session by yourself? More clarity could help us with making positive choices in this transitional time.
flowmom
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
My counselor believes that it would be helpful for us to meet with him to discuss the terms of our separation. Would you be willing to meet me at a session on [date + time]? If not, would you be willing to go to that session by yourself? More clarity could help us with making positive choices in this transitional time.
flowmom
Maybe say "meet with him once" so it doesn't sound like you're trying to drag him back to MC. Last sentence sounds instructive and formal. Yet I know you're trying to respsect space. Can you get a short joke or something in there to lighten it up? One that endorses his view of counselors and the current situation?
