Sure you do. I don't know that it helps whatsoever, but try to think about talking to your children when they are teens and explaining why they should hold out to have sex, and they say, "But Dad, it feels soooooo good"! It's the principle behind the act. Besides, the act of sex can be a power tool for some people.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Talked to Dotty last night on the phone for about an hour. She, of course, said a lot of the same things I've been reading here. I know I have to be patient, and that seems to be the hardest part in all of this. I still feel like I'm running out of time. I know it took months or years to get into this mess, and will maybe take as long to get out. The main thing is to take care of myself, my kids, and have patience-patience-patience. Hard-hard-hard! Nothing worth having comes easy, right?!
Last night, W was in bad mood. Not only me, but kids as well. I got the kids ready for bed while she did laundry. Helped her fold some clothes and tried small talk. Not much in return. We watched the news together and I got up to go to bed. I gave her a kiss and asked if she was coming to bed. She said in a little while. She slept on the couch all night. Same thing this morning, short with kids and me. I helped get kids off to school, and got ready myself. All the while laughing with the kids and acting happy. She gave me a kiss goodbye and told me to be careful, and off I went. Again-up and down, up and down. You guys have told me to expect that but sure wish I understood it a little more.
Just looking for some input if anyone happens on this- Talked to Dotty on the phone Mon. night, and she suggested some things that seem to go against what others have told me here and what I have read. Dotty thinks my W wants more affection from me and that I should go give her a hug and kiss when I get home from work,ask her out and things like that. I used to do things like that, but haven't in quite a while. I think maybe that would have worked six month ago, but don't want to take a giant step back at this point in time. I have been acting "as if", loving but distant, no R talk and it seems to be working somewhat. Sometimes hard to get a handle on just how well, though. It's still a lot of ups and downs, highs and lows. Should I try what Dotty said, or keep with what I've been doing? All thoughts and suggestions welcome!
Did you tell Dotty all that stuff you told in the other thread? B/c you didn't say very much in this thread about all the sex and how horny she would be and then treat you like cr@p, so maybe you didn't explain everything. The very reason I suggested that you not have sex was b/c of her treatment toward you and b/c you suspected she was having sex with another man. Did you tell Dotty that?
Don't be afraid of your W's moods! I cannot believe how men quiver at the thought of their W being angry at them. I always knew it was a man's world, but the women controlled it.....and now I know understand why.
I also want to point out that asking her when she's coming to bed is pursuing. Iniating hugs & kisses is pursuing. Making small talk is on the list of "don'ts". You see how she reacts.....she doesn't like it. Stop doing what doesn't work.
When you notice that she responds favorable, that is what you need to continue doing. It may take a few days of pulling back or some other 180 before she starts to come around, but I think you would begin to see her take small steps at responding.
Don't act overly "happy" or it will appear as over-kill. Remember that this woman knows you better than anyone and she can tell when you are just putting on a front. It will turn her off! So, be positve and play with the kids, but don't be over the top with any of it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Should I try what Dotty said, or keep with what I've been doing? All thoughts and suggestions welcome!
I would go with what's been working:
Quote:
Last night was a good night. Older boys had bball game. Both did well. Got home and we all did valentines cards together for school. W and I watched TV for a while after kids went to bed. She asked if I was coming to bed, I said I wanted to watch the rest of the news, would be there in a while. She came over and kissed me goodnight. First time in a while she sought me out. I stayed and watched the news and messed aroung for about an hour and went to bed. All in all a good night.
Quote:
I took kids to church and religion class. Got home @ noon, had doughnuts, as always after church, and they wanted to go eat at a restaurant. I said maybe we can surprise Mom at work and take her out to eat. They thought that was great. Older boys wanted to stop and buy Mom some flowers. We did, and went to her work and she was very surprised. Of course, said we shouldn't have bought flowers but seemed happy to have us (kids?) there. Went to eat and had a good time. After kids went to bed and were asleep, she came over, kissed and hugged me, said thanks for the flowers and bringing the kids for lunch. I said, you're welcome, it was a nice day for the family, and told her goodnight. Really wanted more but left it at that and was "happy" about it. Don't know if that is still pursuing, but seemed to work well.
Seems to me she responds best when you are neither overly pursuing, nor overly cold/distant?
I did tell Dotty all of it! I even questioned her when she told me to hug and kiss her when I get home from work. I asked if it was pursuing, she said only if I kept it up if she didn't like or respond to it. Dotty also thinks it is "only" an emotional affair, not PA, so I need to fill the void with W that I had not been doing for a while. It all seemed to go against what I've read here. I really had to dig to come up with $390.00, I hope I'm not wasting my money! Don't get me wrong, she helped, but I don't want to do anything else wrong! I knew you guys would set me straight.
Sandi-you are right, of course. I am doing much better, but I still find myself getting worried that I'm running out of time. I am really working on that! I don't think I'm overdoing the acting happy. It helps to just go play with the kids. I'm teaching the twins how to play guitar, S3 just likes doing anything with Dad, mostly playing monster trucks, and my daughter is my princess and likes to make things-paper snowflakes has been a favorite lately. I have always had a good relationship with my kids and they are my joy and part of the reason I let myself slip and get scared. (Of losing them) I do go over the list I printed that you gave me, but it has not become second nature yet. YET! I will continue with what is working. Thanks to the two of you, again!
Dotty also thinks it is "only" an emotional affair, not PA, so I need to fill the void with W that I had not been doing for a while.
I can see how you would be confused. Maybe she didn't mean to empathize the "only" when she spoke of the EA.
Everyone is an individual and we do speak in general terms a lot. I can tell you how I personally felt as a AWAW and what I've read about others. But you have to see what actually "works" well with your own wife and what she responds to.
I was making my advice based on how she seem to use sex as some type of "power" or either on "her terms" and then it was back to treating you so badly. That is not the actions of a woman who respects her H. Whenever she doesn't show respect, I am a firm believer in pulling away from her and stop kissing up...hoping she'll be in a good mood.
You are putting yourself in a pressure cooker with this feeling like your time is running out. That is your nerves and you need to work out, go for long walk, running, climbing, boxing,....something like that to help control the anxiety. It could turn into panick attacks if you don't do something to let it out.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I did tell Dotty all of it! I even questioned her when she told me to hug and kiss her when I get home from work. I asked if it was pursuing, she said only if I kept it up if she didn't like or respond to it. Dotty also thinks it is "only" an emotional affair, not PA, so I need to fill the void with W that I had not been doing for a while.
I will not kiss her a$$ anymore. I have apologized in the past and told her I realize what I did wrong. She said she was sorry for hurting me one time and a couple days later it was "nothing has changed, ILYBNILWY, we'll be OK it will just take time." It will take time, I understand, but only if she is willing to put forth the effort. I will continue with what I have been doing, try to be patient, and prove to myself, and her, that I can change and will be OK whatever she chooses. I can't make the choice for her. I am here if she wants me and our family and will make changes herself with her sitch and commit to us but I can't do it for her.
I have started reading the DR book and will finish it before I make another phone appt with Dotty.
It is getting easier as time goes by. I can't stop thinking about what it would do to the kids. I can only do my part and be the best Dad and best person I can be. I know there is a lot of room for improvement, and being a better person will make me a better father and husband. Do Not Be A Whimp!
I haven't read your other threads so I may be missing something...
Originally Posted By: idontunderstand
Just looking for some input if anyone happens on this- Talked to Dotty on the phone Mon. night, and she suggested some things that seem to go against what others have told me here and what I have read. Dotty thinks my W wants more affection from me and that I should go give her a hug and kiss when I get home from work,ask her out and things like that. I used to do things like that, but haven't in quite a while.
I would suggest following Dotty's advice because she has the advantage of hearing your voice and getting the "vibe" of your personality and style. Also, no one on this board has given me the advice that Dotty has regarding how to deal with my H, but it does seem to be "working" (i.e. H seeming to soften, less D talk, less grim). I would follow her advice BUT I would do it very carefully:
1. show some affection (start with non-sexual), then withdraw and don't put yourself in a position where you're going to get rejected or treated badly
2. don't show affection all the time...do a little bit then monitor how she reacts
3. pick your timing carefully!!
Read Divorce Remedy carefully before trying this...you need to understand DB 101 before you start DBing.
Sometimes men don't understand how alone women feel in their Ms. I've fantasized about having EAs and PAs, not because I don't love my M or want our M to work, but because the loneliness got so painful. I think that "being the better option" probably does work in cases where the W is in the process of giving up hope of having her needs met in the M, but hasn't completely given up hope.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
