No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[25yearsmlc]

NH,

I read your sitch and I would have put a stop to that one right off the bat.

In my sitch, the A was in the past, but it's what stirred all of this in the first place. My W told me she was leaving me for the OM. I told her it was inappropriate considering he was her boss and that if she continued to see him, that I would take custody of the kids. I immediately kicked her out of the house that day.

Like your W, my W is a nurse and she had gotten into an EA with the doctor she works with.

It comes down to laying a boundary and establishing a consequence. My W was like yours whereby she was flaunting around the fact that this was her decision and there was nothing I could do about it. She was right. All I could do was live how I wanted to.

So with the help of so many on here, I GAl'd and detached. Well or detached as best I could. I continued to work on me and did the things I wanted to do. During the interactions she and I did have, she was just downright nasty.

I would validate as much as I could, but then there came a time when she wasn't changing her tone, so when she went off on her tirades, I would hold my hand up and hit her with a truth dart. I would just tell her what the truth is of whatever she was saying and then walk away. Not angry, just stating the truth.

Oh she got mad. She threw tantrums. But I held firm. In time, she softened and the more I stood up to her when I felt she was being unreasonable, the nicer she became towards me.

It all comes down to personal accountability. Right now your W doesn't want to deal with the consequences of her actions. Deep down inside, she may know what she's doing is wrong, but she's going to do it anyway. There's nothing you can do about that. But what you can do is control how you are being treated and your outlook.

There is no timeline. I've been at this for just about 2 years. Right now things are just starting to get a little better. Do I think we are going to get back together? Who knows? I'm not thinking about that.

Think if it like a rock in raging surf. Your W's actions are like an uncontrollable surf. You can either get swept up in them or learn to navigate the dangerous waters until you get to an area of calm.

Establish what your boundaries are. Write them down. You may not think you have any leverage in this, but you do. Your leverage is YOUR morals, beliefs. She has no right to trample on them any more than you can trample on hers. She'll goad you into an argument to create drama and justify what she's doing. She needs justification. Don't fall for it.

Live for you. Not her.

That's all well and good. But Bond is not reconciled yet so the story isn't finished....sorry Bond, but it's "Truth" and until we know what really works in a sitch I think your last line is the one to go with..."live for you"...

(Bond, I'm shocked that an MD would threaten you at work. He could lose a whole lot...do you all work in the same hospital? WTH?)


And NH, I will have to read your thread so I can post there. But obviously one thing is true, (obvious to ME anyhow...) any A from the past is past and has passed and is never to be brought up again IF A RECONCILIATION IS HAPPENING...what possible good can come of bringing it up again?
You won't ever ever agree on the past as we all have different "scorecards" and perspectives. What truly matters is now, and "From this day forward" and seeing your future in similar ways...

I think the main fear of any WAS with an A, is that they cannot overcome their mistake and by the LBSer bringing it up, it proves the WAS was "right" to assume the m was over and beyond repair (or worse, that the LBSer is vindictive and deserved being cheated on...)

The LBSer has a tough path to follow but if being happy and married is the goal (and not 'being right") then you have to forgive and let go of the past AND keep the road home, paved and smooth. It'll already be hard to come back from an A anyhow...It really is, and the more people that know about it, the harder it is. THey'll want to be "Right" too, so they'll justify the A if they are forced to, so don't force that, or that leaves you as a permanent LBSer...

But again, I don't know your individ sitch. I just know that if my h had tried that stuff on me, I'd have bolted and I do think a lot of the M's that end b/c of an A, are really ending b/c the LBSer cannot forgive OR, OR the WAS thinks the LBSer won't forgive and they give up, saying "too much damage has been done, easier to just start fresh elsewhere, etc" and they don't want to be punished the rest of their lives....

I'll read your thread when I get a chance but I hope this part was clear.
j-