As long as you understsnd what your H's doing... becuase he WILL do it again, you didn't get him get away with it the first time, but this time he played you...
I would call your uncle up and THANK HIM for speaking UP for you.. and encourage him to CONTINUE.. its pressue on your H to END this sleazy affair... your uncle did a brave and kind thing there.. you should be PROUD of him
re your H being a good father, I suppose its a debatable point, but I honestly find being a good father means being a good HUSBAND.. the two are heavily interrelated.. are you honestly telling me a man who cheats on his children's mother.. KNOWINGly and deliberatley in the OPEN for weeks on END is being a good father? I am quite skeptical on that one...
I am not condeming your husband here...
I am measuring his ACTIONS..who HE is as a man we are due to find out soon... but right NOW he's BEHAVING badly in my option both as a father and as a husband he's failing miserably...
I would be thanking your Uncle.. you have no idea how many people just TURN their HEADS when affairs are happening and say NOTHIGN.. your uncle took a brave stand in protecting you... and I think you should be diong the same...
NEVER let your H play you like that again.. He is attacking his OWN family and HOME right now... your H needs to face his choices, own the damage he's done, and start acting like a man nd PROTECT his home.. instead right now he's allowing your uncle to protect your home FOR hima nd WHINING that he is implicated in being part of the hosuehold's problem...
Your H's bheaviour IS problematic right now... but he isn't owning that..he's makig excuses and playing the victim still... he's going to do that for a while yet I imagine.. don't let him take advantage of your generosity or warmth ... shut him OUT in the cold... let him freeze... that's how he grows up ok?
And be sure you thank your uncle and encourage him to continue harassing your H into manning-up to his choices and protecting your family... your HUSBAND should be protecting his HOME, its embarassing that your uncle has to step in to do what your HUSBAND should be doing... see?
Don't worry too much over this.. we just need you to understand the stunt he's pulled so he doesn't get away with it again.
This is why we are reccomending a safety zone and no contact, he's going to be trying to manipulate you a LOT in the next few weeks as the exposure progresses... its EASIEST for you if you aren't exposed to him... then you won't be compelled to feel sorry for him and cater to his victimizing behaviour..
I suspect you are familiar with the concept of psychological enablement, but here is a def for the record :
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Enabling :
Enablement is used in the context of problematic behavior, to signify dysfunctional approaches that are intended to help but in fact may perpetuate a problem.[1][2] A common theme of enabling in this latter sense is that third parties take responsibility, blame, or make accommodations for a person's harmful conduct (often with the best of intentions, or from fear or insecurity which inhibits action). The practical effect is that the person themselves does not have to do so, and is shielded from awareness of the harm it may do, and the need or pressure to change. It is a major environmental cause of addiction.[3]
A common example of enabling can be observed in the relationship between the alcoholic and a codependent spouse. The spouse believes incorrectly that he or she is helping the alcoholic by calling into work for them, making excuses that prevent others from holding them accountable, and generally cleaning up the mess that occurs in the wake of their impaired judgment. In reality what the spouse is doing is hurting, not helping. Enabling prevents psychological growth in the person being enabled and can contribute to negative symptoms in the enabler.
Generally, individuals who enable others have weak boundaries, low self-esteem, and have difficulty being assertive when they communicate with others. Imagine how these characteristics could play out in parenting. A young child wants candy early in the morning. The parent understands that this will not be a good habit to begin and tells the child "no." The child proceeds to throw a fit and the parent has a choice - to give in or hold firm. The effect of giving in is profound. The child would learn that throwing a fit works, to manipulate others, would not learn how to delay gratification, would have less tolerance to structure such as boundaries in relationships, etc. The short term gain of getting the child to cease his or her fit would not be worth the long term consequences that this experience would mean for their development. Likewise, feeling needed as an enabler is not worth the long term ramifications created by the enabling. The person being enabled will have some difficult short term consequences if the enabling stops, but these experiences are vital to their growth and psychosocial functioning.
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The above examples apply perfectly to affairs as well...
Do NOT enable your husband's affair right now.. you are at HIGH RISK TO DO SO during the exposure phase.. just let him suffer.. I know it hurts, but its for his own good ok?
Its all of us to a T... trust me I don't know anyone on this forum who hasn't enabled their parnter's affair to a degree.. I don't konw anyone here who has affair-busted with perfect execution..we all fall back and coddle and help our spouses continue this wretched behaviour because we love them and when they show they aer hurting we want to help and don't know any better...
Parents do this to their children too.. its NOT good for them...
Do NOT enable your husband's affair.. its NOT going to end it.. and I think that is what you want is the affair OVER... that's not going to happen until your husband grows up.. I think you can see yoru uncle was actually helping you now... your unhcle wasn't going to enable your husband one inch... he stood firm.. and so should you
YOur husband's suffering a lot of shame right now, but its his bed... let him clean it up or hide under teh covers... you can't do it for him.. just sit back and tell him its his room and he has to clean it up... don't let him TRICK you ok?
mb, I think taking that phone message was not the worst thing in the world-it didn't "ruin" anything! In the future, just tell them "Could you please call him at his work number to get new contact info? He is no longer at this number. I believe his work number should be in your records, right?"
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I woudln't say it ruined anything, but it does send a mixed message is all.. easily reparable... nothing to sweat over...
I would'nt worry about it, but I would simply reccomend not taking his calls anymore.. it just promotes contact with him and you are tryign to minimize that... I suspect he's leaving his calls going there for the exact reason we are suggesting they be redirected... so he can maintain connection and contact...
Easy to fix..any calls that come in, just update them with the new number... your H will find he's getting all his calls directly now and he will get the not so subtle hint that his calls are not welcome at home
