I admit to being a "quick" fixer at times, as my W pointed out recently. On the flip side she also pointed out that I think long term and right now she is just thinking short term.
Fixing isn't bad sometimes. It seems it throws things completely out of whack when we are trying to fix all things for all people, all the time. We stifle their growth, and retard our own.
OP, No wood coming your way, sounds like things are moving in the right direction for you and you have the patience to do what it takes to make your M whole again, and better than it was before. I don't know if you realize this but you offer such great support to so many on the boards, may you reap what you sow.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
In any event I certainly am not trying to fix any of the above events but I am trying to understand what MY condition means and what if anything I should do about it.
I have learned that when my wife talks about 'problems' she is looking for me to listen...not offer advice, not offer solutions. Most of the time.
To that end, when she does start talking about her problems, I end up asking her if she wants me to listen or offer advice after so I know what she is expecting of me.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It is often that the fixer is actually the one needing to be fixed.
I try to do what Jack mentioned, fail and then remember to just listen. The odd part about the whole journey has been....I rarely offer advice any more unless asked. That is for almost everyone....people will ask eventually but let them find their way there first.
Hello OldPilot.. Told you I'd be talking to you again.
Quote:
After some back and forth e-mails yesterday I have determined that I am a "FIXER". I will take ownership of this and I need to determine how to work on this. What should I do about this.
(raises hand) I was one of THOSE!! LOL!!
A fixer, to me, is one that, quite literally, is what's termed as being "over responsible". We each have responsibilities that belong to us as individuals..when someone is a "fixer" they are busy with not only their problems but with what they perceive is the spouse's problems that they think needs to be fixed; when in actuality, we are NOT broken, nor do we need to be fixed by anyone, but because the fixer can't let go it doubles the load on the fixer. They can't let go because for one, the one who's always being "fixed" never has a chance to fall and learn from the experience, and they don't want to see the one who's being fixed hurt by anything; hence the protective mode the fixer goes into.
Now, bear in mind, this is a labor of LOVE..or so the fixer thinks, but the fixer isn't doing themselves or their spouses any favors as love sometimes must be tough. Responsibilities must be owned or taken by each individual.
For two, it becomes a habit, and in time can cause overload plus resentment on the part of the fixer. I've been there, but at the time I was getting tired of it, I didn't know how to fix it. This was pre-tunnel before I learned better.
"Fixing" can also be construed as a type of control; thinking you know best for the person, instead of allowing the spouse to decide what's best for them. It's also a form of protection..and no one needs that kind of protection...it can open the door for the spouse that's always being protected/fixed to be irresponsible; in that process they don't get the opportunity to suffer consequences because the fixer is taking it all on reaping for EVERYTHING!
To simplify what I'm saying: If you are always fixing your spouse's problems, and protecting them, when they really don't need to be protected, it will keep them from learning what they are supposed to learn; and you're actually "cheating" them out of a learning opportunity.
Confused yet?
To begin to work on that type of problem, you have to learn to separate what's yours from what's hers...and take care of yours, allowing her to take care of hers. Even if it hurts you to watch..that is the only way she will begin to learn. You basically remove your total interference from the equation, and re-route your thinking; reminding yourself, that she's not broken and doesn't need fixing..and it's perfectly ok for her to make mistakes; emotionally and otherwise..even if it causes an upheaval.
And that's HARD..the habit has become ingrained after years of always "just doing it"...and it takes time to really sort out whose job is whose.
I'd always fixed everything, shouldered everything..my husband didn't have to really do anything..and that was WRONG for me to do...it was also a sign of poor boundaries on my part, because after awhile, he just handed everything over to me to do; later on, he began to "shirk" his responsibilities..because I had always done it all. I mean I took over EVERYTHING; and in time I DID get tired of it all. I had to watch out for myself AND him....and you know something wrong with dat picture. I was taking the responsibility, right along with whatever blame was dished out...and my husband was removing himself from the picture when something went wrong.
And I had allowed it to happen, so to fix that, I had to begin withdrawing myself from HIS problems, and stop trying to cover them over, just so things would be all right and peace would be kept. He had gotten so used to me just always taking it, that it actually made him angry when I stopped. It caused a complete upheaval when I began to say NO, and I WON'T..and drew firm boundaries about what I would and wouldn't do. And I stopped trying to tell him what to do, which is also fixing....instead I started making him think; he wasn't used to that..fighting me tooth and nail in the beginning.
The final thing I had to learn was not just to "jump in" when there was trouble on my husband's end..I had to learn to hang back and watch what went on. And I found it was ok, if he got mad, his reactions were NOT my responsibility...if he left because of THAT, something was wrong with HIM, not me.
It's really hard because we want to protect the ones we love, and fix everything as it comes instead of owning what's yours, and leaving hers to her.
I know making this change also works on other people do..it's a boundary-setting tactic designed to make people look at themselves, and carry their own back packs instead of riding on the coat tails of others, and taking it all for granted.
Dang, I know this was long, but I hope this helps you.
Last edited by HeartsBlessing; 02/17/1011:27 PM.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Check out this link..it further fleshes out what I was trying to explain, and gives some additional information on "Fixers" and how to work on the problem.
I scanned over it, then put it up in my favorites; I haven't read something like this in quite awhile.
Later!
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
