2 years later it's still not getting easier

[Augtan]

I have a lot of resentment I try to release everyday by thinking there is nothing I can do about him or what he does. I read a poem type thing called "Letting Go" I got from livestrong.com.

I am raising our three kids alone, was a stay at home mom for 15 years so this is really hard for me to juggle a full time job, house and all this kids stuff alone. I moved 700 miles away to have job that would pay me something worth working for (we have a family company here).

I resent that he is living better than we are, he does whatever he wants whenever he wants, my expenses are crazy and my parents have to help me (my XH knew they would help me that is one of the reasons he knew he could get away with what he did), I hate where we live and so do my kids but I have no choice right now. We are going to have to either move again to a cheaper state or move to a smaller place over the summer.

Don't get me wrong, he helps as much as he can and pays child support on time with no issues.

I get the resentment part a lot. I also deal with wondering how he justifies what he has done to us in his mind. He is in MLC so I know he just doesn't get it, but he was so the opposite of this for 20 years. It is so hard to watch! My kids had a great Dad and now none at all really. I just want him to realize what he is missing. I know our marriage wasn't even close to perfect, I did a lot of things too. But, I wanted to work on them and improve myself while making my marriage a priority that it should be. He wanted to do it too at first, then he brought the OW back into our world (I didn't know it!) and that is when he decided (with her help!) that our marriage wasn't worth saving and left. I can't seem to get through to him that with the OW in our marriage there is no way he could have seen anything clearly. Now that OW is gone, I wish he would just give us the chance we deserved, now that he can see things since she is out of the picture completely.

I was doing so good before him and OW broke up. Although I prayed and prayed for this to happen, it is hard now, cause I keep wanting him to want to come home. Whereas before when she was with him, I knew that wasn't going to happen at all, now it is a possibility and I am making myself crazy wondering what he is doing, who he is with and if he will meet someone else before giving us a chance.

I have decided to just leave him alone...again. If he tells me on Friday that he is going to come on the trip with us, then I really plan to just ride it out till then, if he doesn't come with us, I have no idea what my plan of action will be. I guess the same, cause what more can I do?

I am the first person in my family (both sides) to ever get divorced!! So, I hate having to imagine what it is going to be like for my kids for the rest of their lives. I am sorry about your parents! Your kids are sooo young too and so were you! I really feel for you and know your pain. I was doing so good, I hate how I feel now and am trying so hard to get out of this funk!! I know the weather here doesn't help me at all, I lived in the South for 10 years so this constant snow is making me crazy! Hang in there, have you tried dating at all?

A