He is relaxing a bit, in both positive and negative ways.
More "relaxing" today, and it ties in with newmama's thoughts about the home.
--
This morning H was getting the kids ready for going to S's class and I reminded H to take back some items and mentioned that they were beside the TV.
H: <harsh tone> All I see is a big pile of garbage here [there was no garbage, but there were several kids' toys on top of the items]
me: <picking up the items> Here they are.
<I left the room and paused, then came back>
me: <quietly and almost calmly> I feel pretty defensive when you refer to the clutter that's there as garbage. I am doing all the cleaning up around here, and under the circumstances I think that your comment is uncalled for.
H: <almost apologetically> you're probably right
--
One of the triggers is an old one: H was returning from his second night shift in a row...that's always been a "danger zone" for conflict.
But for some reason he's not sticking to what I assume has been a self-imposed "code of conduct". He is falling into ruts -- like making mean comments and starting arguments. This is a chance for me to deal with things differently. I felt OK about how I handled this morning: not being a doormat by letting him talk to me like that, owning my own reaction and communicating it calmly and briefly. He doesn't live here and he knows he's crossing a line by complaining about the condition of the home (which isn't actually too bad most of the time). He still leaves dishes and messes from his time with the kids lying around for me to tidy up. I'm not going to make an issue of it, but I'm not going to let him cross that line.
I wish I was better at using humour to defuse situations like that. That would be a true 180 for me...any suggestions about that?
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
