No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Kevin.

I haven't shamed my W about the A. In fact, I think the OM is doing a good job of doing that himself.

I'm also wondering what else this nut is trying to do behind the scenes. I have a feeling that even after he's gone, he or his friend are going to keep doing whatever.

Gee, you should probably spend a lot of mental and emotional energy wondering about that....

Okay, moving along.... so now you get it. He's a loser. Your w even gets it. They were weird, her judgment sucked then and may still suck now. She is depressed. You asked me whether my h ever was, and while my h hit a wall at one point in the sense that he thought maybe he'd lost us anyhow so why bother trying to salvage something, he was never as odd as she sounds...but as for them thinking too much water went under the bridge, you can only show them how off the mark they are, by enjoying time together without ANY pressure...when you are all together, if you can, be LIGHT HEARTED...shows flexibility and a relaxed nature she is sorely lacking... DO NOT dredge any of the past up, so that you can show her that you could move forward without being crippled by a scorecard of grievances from which she'll never recover.

I find that most LBSer men cannot do this I'm afraid. Not to be too generalizing, but it seems that they have a harder time not obsessing about the OM and specific details about what may have happened, how physical it got, and whether it was good or whether the wife still thinks about it, etc.

If I'm not mistaken, you once asked your w if she fantasized about her boss or some OM, (was that you??) I recall that I said that was probably the most self inflicted wound on a M that I can think of. Also an odd question--if you are the one who asked that, figure out why you would feel so in need of reassurance that you'd ask & put yourself in such a sitch....Usually it's women who make that mistake. (FYI-I can see ZERO use for that kind of info)...If my h fantasizes first off, it's NOT my business and I don't need that kind of insecurity feeding for my self esteem and YES I have had dreams of handsome men and yet I don't secretly wish to leave my h for them...plus
I heard a female comedian say "I don't care where my h gets his appetite as long as he comes home for dinner..." which I see a grain of truth in....


Anyhow, keep up the detachment work. No, my h was not clinically depressed as your w seems to be. His MLC was based on the sense of adventure his heroes on the tundra gave him, and he wanted that and a sense of "immortality" (??) or being on the cutting edge of medicine and the outdoors, and a gold rush and blah blah blah wacky stuff with a thread of reason in it. I read "Wild at Heart" and it helped me understand him. But we were financially well off before he left and now we are catching up, which sucks. I sometimes want to slap him when he complains about finances b/c it was his unilateral choices that got us here. But that is one fruitless pursuit...so I don't go there.

DETACH and move on. If your w is capable of a reconciliation I'd say it would be way more likely if you were to move on. We've said this before but you hyper analyze. The good news is that you are capable of changing your behavior, and if I were you, that'd be the change I'd make. Stop the analysis...it can can lead to paralysis...make sense?

j-