I think I'd rather be dead than this- WAW

[Quart9]

Mr Bond/stuck - no I guess I can't really afford a DB coach but I am desperate for help with this. No, I have not been able to receive my mail since she has been gone - that is another thing I will have to deal with once she gets back.

Sandi2 - thank you for taking a look at my sitch and your feedback! I do not doubt the advice others had given me (and I really appreciate it), but I felt like your opinion would be helpful too after reading some of your other posts and learning about your experience.

Yes, looking back now I'm sure she knew what she was doing when she had me move out. I was in so much shock that I made no effort really to research alternatives/find sources like this board before I moved out. I kick myself in the a$$ for that. Plus, I was mesmerized by her in thinking it was temporary.

I'm pretty well financially independent of her already. We still have the same car insurance policy and my cell phone is in her name because she gets a work discount, but I have been paying her for those. She still has me on the health insurance from her work - which isn't necessary because I have health insurance through my school.

The $ that I have for living expenses now comes from the extra $ I receive after my tuition is paid from my private school loans. I have been trying to find a part-time job since I moved out about a month ago but I am having a hell of a time finding a place around me that is hiring.

After all of this, other people have have told me too that it seems she lacked the maturity necessary to see us through my getting in and out of school. She has told me recently that she wants to give up because she can't trust that I can change or that once I am out in a couple of years it will work out for us. She says she wants a family now and doesn't want to wait until "just whenever" after I am out of school. I would be willing to quit school, find a full-time job, and begin a family if it meant reconciliation between us.

I am lucky to have the room/apt that I am renting now. I had to have her co-signature to get into it. If I move back I can't keep this place. As I have said before, my fear is that I move back and she will immediately file for D and we will have to move out of that place (or she will move out). I will have pretty limited options then it seems - up the proverbial creek as you say.

I have only come across one other guy that goes to my school that is married. His wife and kids had to move back to live with his parents while he finishes school. It seems very few people that go there have significant others. My IC is through the school and she has told me that she has seen many cases where married people are S before they finish school there or quit in order to stay M. I had no idea of this before I started.

I know my self respect should be my priority but I am also very interested in reconciling with my W. Will my moving back and standing strong about my right to be there really gain any of her respect? Am I wrong for feeling certain she will file for D once I move back? Will I loose any chance to reconcile with her if I do move back? In your opinion sandi2, do I even have a chance at reconciliation whether I move back there or not?