Keep The Sound Advice Coming!

[working on me]

Are you saying that a court ordered her to pay you more, but she failed to comply? Why wasn't she found in contempt of court?

The judge lowered the amount of family support she was ordered to provide. In addition, due to the fact that the respondent is claiming that the buisness is not making as much money, she is in hardship and therefore couldn't pay what had been previously ordered. So, my lawyer let the chareges go. He told me its a female judge and I am a college graduate, and the true harsh reality of this whole situation is........ I am a man and she is a mom. He went on to say that if the genders were reversed, and I was a female this case would be a slam dunk on our side.

But regardless, [b]stay on message, keep it short and above ALL else, remain calm in front of her and the boys. Don't quibble so much.

I feel I have made vast strides in the keeping it short arena. I made a choice back in October to stop the back and forth emails and texts with her where we went on and on. I told her that I was done with that type of comunication and I want peace and I will now put my complete focus on raising my sons.

As for the rest of your advice, I made a choice back in May 2009 when I filed for divorce to handle all communication in a respectful, healthy and transparent way in all issues regarding our sons. In addition, I made the decision for myself that I would never speak negatively about her in front of my sons when they were with me nor would I ever speak disparagingly about her to my sons. This is the one area of this whole process that I feel I have handled with the greatest maturity and consisancy and I will continue to do so.

In fact, the respondentbegan her campain of parental alienation right from the start and I heard about it from my sons. My response was simply,"I will never speak badly about your mother, she is your mother and you love and need her. I have to much repect for you two boys to speak bad about her. I don't want you boys to ever speak bad about her either, we are better than that."

in states like California, "parental alienation" (=bad mouthing the other parent, in front of the kids) can cost a parent custody...no joke. It is VERY frowned upon....(you might want to let your w know that too....)

I have only recently even heard the term "paretal alienation", in my case she is real bad about it, but I don't know what I can do, or who will actually listen to my complaint about it without just suspecting I am playing games.

Does your L think it'd hurt you to earn more now pending resolution of financial matters??

Unfortunately, I have been unable to find better employment as of yet. In fact, just last week I was informed that I was not chosen for a good county job as a biologist after a written exam, and two oral board interviews. My financiel situation is scary for me right now. I can't even put it into words how bad.

How do you feel about your L?

I owe my lawyer several thousand dollers and he has informed me that he will make one last attempt to get a financiel settlement with the respondent, but if she doesn't go for it I am on my own from here out.

My father, whom I owe about 15 thousand, has told me he would mo longer loan me anymore money.

[25yearsmlc]

I don't know if there are facts missing....but your L does not impress me as a fighter. How'd you hire him? I live in CAL and from what I see, there are no gender preferences allowed as a matter of LAW... Please, I don't want to hear it. THere are pros and cons to it,but we are gender neutral so frankly, I don't buy the L's story. And I do know something about this as I was in your shoes as a mom with a L degree who had stayed at home for several years. The one staying at home with the kids, regardless of gender, has SOME advantages....

So if the kids were at home with mom OR DAD, it's legally the same and frankly, I find the cliche that "it's a female judge" a really hack excuse for mediocre lawyering. Plus, any L who threatens to dump you this way isn't too impressive either. But again, I don't know if there are other factors you are not aware of that I would find relevant, (b/c I think you are being forthright here.)

As for "who would listen" to you about parental alienation, it's a matter of LAW and FACT and child services and the court would be a place to start, but YOU have to communicate and be BRIEF when you do so.. and only list important stuff, not a score card. Read up on what parental alienation is before you do so. No one cares about OM by the way. Sorry but that is not relevant in no fault states. But bashing the other parent IS..

So stop whining about how you might not be listened to as if there are special rules making you a victim. Stand up for yourself and call a "Father's RIghts" attorney if you have to. I would. I would NEVER be in a sitch wherein I had to hope that my L would throw a hail Mary pass b/c nothing so far had gone my way, and that somehow ONE THING would go my way after all the bad calls the L made, all b/c it was so unfair..BS...

what has your L accomplished for you? Oh, half custody? YOU HAD FULL PHYSICAL CUSTODY so any L could have gotten you that and many would have gotten you what I got, which was joint LEGAL custody and FULL physical custody so h would have had visitation. HE KNEW he'd lose on that battle as I had been bonding with the kids when I made lateral job moves and stayed at home. A trade off?? Oh to be sure - but in this one respect, a trade off I'm grateful to have made.

But you didn't get money from her from the get go, and I think it was your choice not to pursue that and at least partly YOUR effort to "man up", and not go for what the boys were entitled to, b/c of your pride.

I get that. I really do. But it is a trade off and now you are facing the costs of that trade. Do you believe your w respects you more for it? Was it worth it? I'm not trying to rub your face in it. I want you to think hard and long before you make another choice that will affect you long term, just to save some face now, or just to think you are saving face for the moment... I think doing what is truly right by the boys now, includes providing for them and for the life of me I don't know why your w's business would be hit so hard now...seems odd to me. As I said, it's based on what she HAS earned and her earning capacity. That was upheld in the State Supreme court....so how'd she qualify for a "hardhip"?
Oh, her L filed for it? That was a good move on her L's part....Again, how'd you pick your L? Was he the cheapest? Did he promise you things that are not coming through, or what? I'm curious.

As for job hunting, my L told me back then, that was the last thing I should do if we were to come to a divorce time since there'd be less of a disparity in income. But the real reason I held off going back full time is what the child therapist said, which was that "the last thing your kids need now, is to lose another parent to a career move" (meaning me going to work full time AND h being gone, would be a 'lose lose' orphaning for the kids at home). So I agreed, and held off and frankly it was tough b/c working is good for my self esteem and sense of independence and at THAT time it would have been very nice to get that. Oh well, it was a trade off. And I guess I "won" that round, or our kids did.

So get something when you can-assuming it's not a bad idea legally. From what your L says, nothing matters legally so you may as well get some real income.

Ever think about Getting a teaching credential (don't tell me you can't as I am doing it now and it's not brain surgery)--at least take the exam to get on a substitute list and then find a program for the credential, if you cannot Test out of some, and get a loan for it-a school loan, not hard to qualify for)...SOMETHING that you can get that will free you up. For a single parent w/a college degree, teaching has obvious benefits in terms of kid's
schedules...

Anyhow, that's it for now.
J-

[JAK58]

25 is right.
Please do call a Fathers Rights Advocate Att. My son did. Made all of the difference in the world and his sitch wasn't a quarter as bad as what your writing here.

JAK

[working on me]

Thanks you two!

Today is the first chance I have had to get back on her in a few days, I had work and the little men with me. I am going to take some time to read through you post when I am not so tired. There are many valid points you have mede and I have some info that may help to paint a more clear picture.

I live in Northern California, I will research a fathers rights group in my area. If any of you know of any resources I could use please let me know.

Tomorrow after picking up the little men we will be heading to my brothers house a few hours away for his bithday, My kids will get to play with their cousins and we will all get a nice change of scenery.


By the way, the respondent followed through on her promise to print and sign the changes to the holday schedule. Though she has still avoided the issue of the Martin Luther Kng Holday. She apparently still doesn't want that to be on the holiday schedule for whatever reason.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks you two!

Today is the first chance I have had to get back on her in a few days, I had work and the little men with me. I am going to take some time to read through you post when I am not so tired. There are many valid points you have mede and I have some info that may help to paint a more clear picture.

I live in Northern California, I will research a fathers rights group in my area. If any of you know of any resources I could use please let me know.

Tomorrow after picking up the little men we will be heading to my brothers house a few hours away for his bithday, My kids will get to play with their cousins and we will all get a nice change of scenery.


By the way, the respondent followed through on her promise to print and sign the changes to the holday schedule. Though she has still avoided the issue of the Martin Luther Kng Holday. She apparently still doesn't want that to be on the holiday schedule for whatever reason.

I don't know how big a deal this stuff is. Seems small to me. I KNOW, "there's always a principle" but do NOT sweat the small stuff and most of the stuff IS small...that's how courts see it and they have a point. Your real issue is that you want to be able to rely on her signature to mean something so you can have a life and your kids can predict their's... and she cannot change on a whim, which she has a lot of these day...THAT is a reasonable qualm to have WOM...but the details are going to annoy a judge and make you look petty and controlling. So again, pick those battles wisely. Let her hang herself with her mood swings etc...

Got it? Good...no I don't personally know a dad's advocate. I had a woman attorney from a mid-large firm with a branch devoted just to family law, and my L only does that type of law and is willing and able to try a case if need be.
I liked her a lot, we eventually became friends and she even talked me into filing for the sep INSTEAD of a div, b/c she believed we had a chance at recon...she was right. I think she was sent from the big guy upstairs....
Anyhow, gotta go, take care===
j-