flowmom | shifting from devastated to rebuilding

[newmama]

3. we were interacting outside of our home, which is a very hard place for H to be right now (feels guilty? bad memories?).

WHOA- I think you could be onto something, Flow! In your case, what if your home represents stress, angst, hardships...when I read that I thought of how I hated living in my home as a teenager due to family dsyfunction/divorce at the time and anywhere else felt great.

So maybe you can work with that somehow...arrange other meetings on some days to outside places? Excursions? I don't know...or (and maybe you already did this)
totally change the way your home looks. Refresh it and redecorate, declutter. HAHAHA I realize this is a tall order when you are a SAHM! How can you do that without time on your hands? Or something simple like adding plants and putting clutter in the closet temporarily...

[newmama]

Negative -- him trying to bait me into an argument yesterday about scheduling and how I was spending my time. Positive -- doing something fun around me, asking me for favours.

I'm scared to hope, yet I am...

About the baiting..if you saw on my thread, my DB coach suggested that baiting us can be a way to put up a wall, or distance themselves. So if they start feeling close to us again, they might do that or if we pursue and they are feeling pressured they could be doing that. BAITING= WALL is how I like to interpret it!

And being scared to hope....remember MWD says hopeLESSness is death of a marriage. We need hope to keep our marriage going (even while separated).

Also be aware this could be soooo sloooow...I am almost 11 months out but no divorce. So am hanging in there. Making babysteps I think!? (for me maybe more than WH?)

[flowmom]

In your case, what if your home represents stress, angst, hardships...

I'm sure it does.

So maybe you can work with that somehow...arrange other meetings on some days to outside places? Excursions?

No sure how I can pull that off as we aren't doing any activities as a family. I guess I could try to have him pick up the kids in places other than our home, but that's tricky as he often comes first thing in the morning...

I don't know...or (and maybe you already did this) totally change the way your home looks. Refresh it and redecorate, declutter. HAHAHA I realize this is a tall order when you are a SAHM! How can you do that without time on your hands? Or something simple like adding plants and putting clutter in the closet temporarily...

We live in an apartment so space has always been an issue and at some point the clutter got really out of control (largely due to H's junk, business inventory, and general slobbishness). Our children are unbelievable mess makers and they are home more than most children, and because of S's special needs, it's much harder to do housework when he is awake. Before H moved out I often did 2+ hours of housework after the kids went to bed (not including cooking, deep cleaning, etc., just the basic daily stuff). Of course I have a LOT less housework to do since H moved out.

For the past two years I've been working on decluttering and organizing. On one hand, we've all been stressed by the mess and clutter including H. I've made huge strides in maintaining our home in the last year and it's gotten so much better. But H has actually fought me on making any improvements to our home the whole way through (I haven't done any renovations, just a bit of painting and renting a storage locker).

Now things don't feel great in the apartment because H is removing stuff and furniture and I've haven't had the time/heart to reorganize everything. I'm pretty sensitive to my environment so I know I have to deal with this.

[june72]

Re homeschooling
Good for you flow.
Shame you can't live in my area. I think the system is amazing. There are complete schools just for autism with all the therapy right there and one on one aides. Or if a child is higher functioning they can be in a 1:4 or 1:6 class and can push in with the other classes, say for gym or art and still get therapy for school. And still have a one on one aide if needed.
I guess that is why NYS has such a huge tax burden for schools. My hubby stated that the majority of the money is used for special ed. Understandable.
They also customize an educational plan to fit the childs needs (it's the law) and have meetings with the parent for approval,modification, input.


I myself am stressed and taxed. Both sons are sick again,like always. I worry so about my younger son and again asked my hubby about autism (he does socialize well, speech delays still, teeth grinding, major sensory issues). He always states there is no way to know yet. It stresses the hell out of me. Just now I played a game with the kids together and Chris would cover his ears b/c his brother speaking was too loud. He is a good sorter, likes to line things up (although my hubby reminds me that many kids w/out Autism do the same thing).
IDK, he is definitely not the norm and it is exhausting.

Sounds like your hubby and you are on the same page with the schooling- good for you. How does he justify his leaving, when he know it will upset and stress the kids? He stated that arguing in front of the kids was detrimental, what if there was less arguing? What would be his rationale then?

[Wired]

Flowmom,
Thank you for sharing this stitch. It has made me look at some things in my life to help with understanding what went wrong.

[newmama]

Flow, meeting outside of the house like you did in the grocery store...that sounded like it happened around the dinner hour, not the morning, is that correct? It won't be planned out because you have to see how your S is doing that day, right?

Can he handle going to Subway or places like that? You could go there for dinner one night and tell your H "meet us at__" It is not expensive and not formal...

and as the weather gets better, head to a nearby park around the time your H shows up.

Again I understand that lots of variables are in the way:
S's behavior/needs, routines, H's schedule, money, weather....so IF the occasion comes up, then you can try it.

FWIW, I used to be a SPED teacher but not an Autism expert. Still, I had students with Autism, I had the specialist come in and help the parents with visual schedules, behavior plans,etc. And over the course of 3 years, I saw with my own eyes how the children improved and matured! You probably already know that but just wanted to offer some comfort. One child could become quite violent and his parents finally gave him antipsychotic meds which helped. But the other kids were mainly comforted by routines, behavior mod plans, and downtime built in. I know every child is different and am only sharing these examples to just to illustrate the range of needs the kids with A had!

[flowmom]

I myself am stressed and taxed. Both sons are sick again,like always. I worry so about my younger son and again asked my hubby about autism (he does socialize well, speech delays still, teeth grinding, major sensory issues). He always states there is no way to know yet. It stresses the hell out of me. Just now I played a game with the kids together and Chris would cover his ears b/c his brother speaking was too loud. He is a good sorter, likes to line things up (although my hubby reminds me that many kids w/out Autism do the same thing).
IDK, he is definitely not the norm and it is exhausting.

Hugs to you...there is nothing like a mother's worry. Most children who are on the spectrum have sensory issues, but most children who have sensory issues do are not on the autism spectrum. The covering the ears thing could be sensory issues or auditory processing issues or both. I know for my S, it's not just one thing...he is probably dealing with multiple issues, including giftedness which can make it harder to tease out the areas where there is lower functioning.

How does he justify his leaving, when he know it will upset and stress the kids?

He convinced himself that we are in a "high conflict" marriage and that we're doing more damage to the kids by staying together. And that the kids will be happier if he's happier. There's a grain of truth to that because we were walking on eggshells all fall due to his anger management issues. I have some punched-in doors that still need replacement (just to be clear: no physical abuse).

He stated that arguing in front of the kids was detrimental, what if there was less arguing? What would be his rationale then?

H is in a victim role on that one. He sees himself as a conflict avoider and the arguing is all my fault. He actually tries to suppress negative feelings (while indirectly communicating them very clearly), then explodes when he can't take it any more.

[flowmom]

Flow, meeting outside of the house like you did in the grocery store...that sounded like it happened around the dinner hour, not the morning, is that correct?

No, that was midmorning because H was running late and not following the normal schedule.

Can he handle going to Subway or places like that? You could go there for dinner one night and tell your H "meet us at__" It is not expensive and not formal...

and as the weather gets better, head to a nearby park around the time your H shows up.

Tricky, because I would not want it to look like I'm trying to force H into spending more time with me. But as the weather improves there could be times where we meet at the park. Have to get the timing right...

[flowmom]

He is relaxing a bit, in both positive and negative ways.

More "relaxing" today, and it ties in with newmama's thoughts about the home.

--

This morning H was getting the kids ready for going to S's class and I reminded H to take back some items and mentioned that they were beside the TV.

H: <harsh tone> All I see is a big pile of garbage here [there was no garbage, but there were several kids' toys on top of the items]

me: <picking up the items> Here they are.

<I left the room and paused, then came back>

me: <quietly and almost calmly> I feel pretty defensive when you refer to the clutter that's there as garbage. I am doing all the cleaning up around here, and under the circumstances I think that your comment is uncalled for.

H: <almost apologetically> you're probably right

--

One of the triggers is an old one: H was returning from his second night shift in a row...that's always been a "danger zone" for conflict.

But for some reason he's not sticking to what I assume has been a self-imposed "code of conduct". He is falling into ruts -- like making mean comments and starting arguments. This is a chance for me to deal with things differently. I felt OK about how I handled this morning: not being a doormat by letting him talk to me like that, owning my own reaction and communicating it calmly and briefly. He doesn't live here and he knows he's crossing a line by complaining about the condition of the home (which isn't actually too bad most of the time). He still leaves dishes and messes from his time with the kids lying around for me to tidy up. I'm not going to make an issue of it, but I'm not going to let him cross that line.

I wish I was better at using humour to defuse situations like that. That would be a true 180 for me...any suggestions about that?

[rr22]

FM said: One of the triggers is an old one: H was returning from his second night shift in a row...that's always been a "danger zone" for conflict.

But for some reason he's not sticking to what I assume has been a self-imposed "code of conduct". He is falling into ruts -- like making mean comments and starting arguments.



You answered your own question. It's stress, anxiety, depression plus sleep deprivation. That's why he's not sticking to his code of conduct. I would plan to be away from him ALWAYS for now if possible after second night shifts in a row.


I would look to be in another part of the house during child exchange when he will be in a predictably fatigued mood from a second night shift in a row. Otherwise he will blame it on you and he may not be in a space to control himself for awhile. Just a thought. My H, who has some kind of depression and anxiety issue going on now, told me recently that he feels predictably worse at certain times of the day. He claims that that influences when he is willing to even attempt to see me (and maybe anyone?). I don't know if it is because of fatigue or because he feels he will not be able to be civil because of his own mood. Just something to consider. Your H may need you not to provide the opportunity for him to get into it with you for a few months to realize that he is looking to start something on his own even if you're not there to start it with.

Some of what LR calls attempts to start "bun fights" aren't testing. They're meltdown. I'm not suggesting to make a practice of walking on eggshells for life. But a cooling of the jets has to happen, and he may not be able to make it happen totally right now, so choose your disputes wisely, I guess.