Next steps

[flowmom]

Keep checking my gmail account for notices from Match.com and eharmony!

I haven't used online dating sites, but I don't get the impression that it's easy to find great middle-aged guys on them.

To branch out socially (not necessarily date) I'm planning to join an outing/hiking club. My past experience is that there are a lot of single men in them, and it's a way with connecting with people in a non-pressuring way. I always enjoy a hike even if the company is not perfect. I feel like I can be myself in that setting, not putting on a show. It doesn't put me on the spot with respect to my dating/R intentions...it just allows me to get to know people who share a love that I have. Going on a hike or snowshoe with strangers is my next GAL plan. I'm sure there's something like that where you live too.

[blownaway65]

Aver I met the lady I'm seeing on a similar site in Oz. She's really nice and only 1/2 hour away, but do be careful, there are a lot of wierdo's out there who are almost professional "daters" looking for people in vulnerable positions.

Flo's idea about a club where there will be guys sounds really good. Does the Rescue service have get togethers with other organisations in other towns ?

Take care.

[LookingFrAnswers]

Aver,
Just catching up w you, haven't finished reading yet but your posts about C cause me to reply now!

Another similarity w you - I think I told you about my first C, she was almost as bad as yours!! In the beginning, she kept telling me to get H to "be really really honest" w me about an A. Can you say pursuing?? (This pre-DB, I was so lost!) Then, one day she asks me, Do you HATE him? (Accent on the hate) Seriously! Another session was spent on exploring his early childhood. (how is this helpful to me??) Another session she tells me, "people don't really plan to have affairs" WHAT??? I was too upset and in shock to protect myself from her!

I think you have your answer now, but I just had to chime in.
Buh-bye!!

There are some really bad Cs out there. Buyer beware! I hope the new C is all you hope (& need). Back to catching up!

[LookingFrAnswers]

Sooo...with all your wise advice:

keep moving forward on evaluating best financial decisions.

drop sudden resurgence of "DB'ing" thoughts

plan for the worst: court case; time drags on; X is rotten enough to move himself and OW into one of the apartments.

plan for the best: good financial outcome--however that comes to be--and see what that develops into.

Work with C to move forward on healing, letting go, etc.

Keep checking my gmail account for notices from Match.com and eharmony!

Thanks again, all. I was/am in a real low spot. Trying to pull myself out. Will do so with all of you and my RL friends.

(((Aver)))
Have caught up. Thanks for your message of support re: my email insecurities. I think I need to do that for a while since I have such little C with H. The last thing I want to do is send mixed messages.

I think your plan above is great. I can relate about feeling low - had a downer meeting w L yesterday, but I'll post about that on my thread. You did great on replacing the bad C, good job on getting her replaced so quickly. Good Cs can really help.

Sounds like you are working through this, I agree w Cutter, you do a great job of expressing your feelings. This is a good place to do it! You're getting clearer & clearer on what you want/need, keep it up. I am thinking of you & will check back soon. ((((Aver))))

[avermont]

OK...here's tonight's emotional roller coaster:

I had decided to go ahead and work on that community play, as tech director/set designer. Director reminded me that she had asked me first, so I decided to do it. X is lighting designer

Then worried about production meetings. Finally got enough of the set designed that it made sense to go to a production meeting tonight. Knew X would be there. Braced myself all day. Thought about wearing something flattering; acting cool and friendly; just doing what I do when I work with a production team.

Met with director pre-rehearsal. She told me that she gave X a heads-up that I would be at the meeting tonight.

He actually CALLED her (this guy doesn't talk about feelings, very private) to say he felt HE couldn't come to the meeting if I would be there.

He also specifically asked that the day of "load-in" (getting the scenery and lights all set) that set work happen all in the morning (which is normal enough anyhow) and he would work on lights later in the afternoon. Very specifically setting it up so we would not be working together. Very specifically told director he was uncomfortable with this, and had thought things would be arranged so we wouldn't be working together (at least not much).

Well. Other than having a big anxiety attack as director is telling me this--I think: who is further on detaching? Seeing as we had worked together side by side on that bathroom project back in Sept/Oct, and our meeting to do bills in December was amiable enough, I really thought that we could be in the same room, look at technical questions as part of a team, and get through the project OK.

I promised the director I wouldn't bring my own personal drama into this, so tried very hard to just breathe thru this news.

Part of the pain, of course, is hearing how other people get to email and talk to him. Know more about his life than I do.

Part of the pain is I was thinking about tonight as a good demo of how I am moving on (and looking gorgeous).

But--wow--I am totally blown away that HE feels uncomfortable. What does that mean?? I know we can't know that. I know what matters is how I feel. And I want to work on this show and make it look good and have fun doing it.

Wow wow.

Comments??

[blownaway65]

Aver, detaching is being able to not be concerned at all about what H is thinking whether it's about You, OW, finances, the house or whatever.

The important thing here is YOU, not H and what he thinks or feels uncomfortable with.

YOU want to be involved in the play, YOU want to do a good job on the set design. YOU need to be strong enough to do this without bringing "your personal drama" into the mix.

I'm sure YOU can do this Aver, you'll go to the production meetings looking fabulous (but not over the top) and sporting a great PMA. Your sets will be brilliant, doesn't matter 2 hoots if H hasn't got the balls to show up - you have (figuratively speaking).

Don't bring yourself down to his level !

And PS. as to tonight being a Demo of how you're moving on. Doesn't matter if H is there or not, others will notice the new Aver and it will get back to him soon enough - but make sure the demo isn't just a Demo, it has to be real or it doesn't count !

[avermont]

Oh, yeah, FM, I have been hiking, etc. Found meetup.com, which gets social activity groups together. Went on a trail run with 2 cute guys on Sunday (one married, one seemed pretty quick to say..by, see you later, great run). I much much prefer that sort of thing to a "date." But I am throwing myself out there in different ways to see what's what.

Unfortunately, here in the great state of VT, it seems to be about a 3:1 ratio women to men. And all the women are active, good-looking, successful, confident gals. Tough playing field for a 45 year old.

Don't worry, my defenses and guards are up high enough not to get caught up with any weirdos. Remember, I was defensive, reserved and remote with the man I loved! Not about to fall all over or be in a vulnerable spot with an on-line person. Thanks for looking out for me.

[avermont]

The computer ran out of juice just as I barely finished posting.

Tonight's episode was just so weird. Really, I felt strong enough and cool enough to pull it off. My demo is real enough--but there really isn't a NEW Aver to demo--I'm me: funny, thinking about practical matters, helping to organize the show.

The things I am working on, and practiced in my head all day, for the production team as a whole, not just to "demo" to him:

Be more patient. Listen more. Don't push my "this is how it should work" too hard. (sorry, but I do this for a living and it is easy for me; hard to watch others struggle when I know how to get it done). Listen more. Support others input more.

Really, to hear that he doesn't have the balls (hadn't had a chance to think it through and think of it that way) to work on this project with me--just more of the cowardice that led to the not talking about problems/WAH.

Yes, I am doing the play for me and my community. Too bad if he thought he could do the lights and never interact with the set designer.

I know detaching is not being concerned about him. Spent all day reviewing how relatively calm I felt about it. Relatively not too concerned about what he would say/do. Just wasn't expecting him to wimp out!

Sorry for long post--still vibrating here, not down off the anxiety. Oh--and then the rescue tones went off, and so I had the adrenaline juice of that. Sleep will be awhile in coming tonight!

Thanks so much for responding.

[avermont]

I think the new C will be great. I just have to make it thru til April when she comes back.

In the meantime I have first C, who was really great.

And so you all know, it is thanks to YOU all and your wisdom that I knew this C was weird. "he OUGHT to..." "tell him he CAN'T do such and so..." Uh-huh.

I'm glad you were able to recognize your bad C soon enough before a lot of damage was done.

[LookingFrAnswers]

Seeing as we had worked together side by side on that bathroom project back in Sept/Oct, and our meeting to do bills in December was amiable enough, I really thought that we could be in the same room, look at technical questions as part of a team, and get through the project OK.

I promised the director I wouldn't bring my own personal drama into this, so tried very hard to just breathe thru this news.

Part of the pain, of course, is hearing how other people get to email and talk to him. Know more about his life than I do.

Part of the pain is I was thinking about tonight as a good demo of how I am moving on (and looking gorgeous).

But--wow--I am totally blown away that HE feels uncomfortable. What does that mean?? I know we can't know that. I know what matters is how I feel. And I want to work on this show and make it look good and have fun doing it.

Wow wow.

Comments??

Aver, I agree w Blowaway, that's how it looks to me. He doesn't have the kahunas to be there, b/c you will. He's having the poor director and other staff make special accomodations so HE doesn't feel uncomfortable. What the you told the director about not bringing in your personal drama was perfect. And I'm sure he/she really appreciated it. You're a class act, Av. Sorry we can't say the same about X.

I understand that feeling of knowing other people get to talk/know more about H's life. I had that feeling when I saw H's profile on my Linked In updates (I'm the one who registered him on there a few yrs. back to help with job hunting) and I saw he has a new email. Which I don't have. It hurts I know.

But I think those folks working w you are going to be impressed by you, and it will get back to the X. Blownaway's right, don't worry about X's motives. He may afraid to see you, he knows he's acted badly & doesn't want to be reminded of this by seeing you. You have far more courage than he does. As far as detachment, you seem to be ahead of him there too. But whatever, keep going along. You were prepared to do it whether he was there or not, so just keep on.

I give you a lot of credit for going ahead with your commitments, a lot of people might feel it's easier to avoid the WA. You should be feeling pretty good about taking the plunge. But then again you don't seem like the type to let anyone keep you from your passion. Keep it up Av!!

Thanks again for your support on my thread. ((((Aver))))