First of all, thank you for the clarification last week. I was just looking for concrete examples of what I have done/could be doing to get more respect from H. Totally get that retro was pursuing, and I've completely left that alone. I've read a lot on 'tough love' and other posts too, and trying to figure out how to best apply those concepts to my sitch. I don't think that the tough love stuff, unfortunately, is going to turn anythng around w H...so thinking through how can I best apply based on where I am today, so I stand up for myself in a positive way but also try to maintain this civility/amicability we have.
Had a busy but good travel week last week, even though I was stuck in storm! Fun trip up to NY with my best girlfriends (would have been funny to run into Pearl!) over wkend. Met a lady on Amtrak who wanted to fix me up with someone she knew. Get excited occassionally thinking about possibilities of meeting new people, dating (while still working on the 'letting go' of H...not 100% there, but getting there - somewhat a parallel process). Doing what I want to do. Didn't spend much time thinking about H while I was there...but ended up going to a party and running in to some of his business school friends! small world..they were all very nice though.
Not much else on the H front. A few simple email exchanges about housekeeping stuff, car. Doubt he's really going to be as 'helpful' with my move as he said he wanted to be when we had lunch. Maybe all talk on his part, whatever. But we had 2 takeaways. I was going to ask L one question he had about needing to fill out financial forms, and he was going to go to the Courthouse to get the proper paperwork. that was 10 days about and not a peep from him. ANd I moving in less than 3 weeks! I feel like he's being a bit of a coward and also reverting to his old ways (how he was in the relationship), having me take care of everything.
Talked about this w IC on Monday. It's frustrating. I never wanted the D, yet H is doing NADA to file or get the process rolling. We chatted briefly Sun night about car question I had, and he said nothing. He's going out of town this Fri for a week, then less than 1 wk till I move. I know we can take care of paperwork long distance (maybe after I'm out in CA), but if he's so insistent on wanting this to end, why doesn't he get ball rolling? A bit of a coward and a bit of wanting me to do it so he doesn't feel it;s all him. I don't think he's having 2nd thoughts. In some ways I'd rather just deal w the cards I'm dealt, rather than going and getting paperwork myself to begin something I never wanted - but I may have to do this.
So my plan is to email H later this week and tell him that yes, I spoke w L and he confirmed we both needed to fill forms out. Check. My work done. Then he can update me on his 'to do'. Also, I do want to get the tuition reimbursement agreed upon in paper, and timing-wise. I plan to email him about that.
What else can, should I be doing? I feel like I'm moving on in terms of move, dating, getting out there...but that final piece of cutting the cord is still a tad hard.
And in some ways, I'm just kind of annoyed with him. Good positive interaction last week but this whole 'i want to help you move' 'let me take care of this' etc i think is a bit of b.s. So now the ball is in my court to take action to the next place (when I never wanted it).
But I've stopped analyzing so much what i did and what he did and trying to be X-way to counter Y-way..I just want to be myself, and if he doesn't like or respect me anymore for what I've learned and who I've become, that's his deal.
I'm still trying to keep a good balance on the tough love/respect, acting in my best interest but still a sliver of DB in there. Thank you for your advice and keeping me on track. Sometimes I read other sitches/books about 'tough love' and all the gucci advice about being hard line/not tolerating x or y, but it may not apply to all in same way? Not sure. Don't think the 'kick to curb' mentality would work here b/c he's already so far gone, but again I need to remind myself that if it doesn't, it's probably b/c the marriage is already over. If he had any shred of reconsidering it might work, but if they are gone, they probably already were in all respects, don't you think? Just pondering this approach. What is best for me, what is most DB. And embracing what's yet to come..
