Next steps

[avermont]

Thanks to all who weighed in.

Sorry about not keeping it all on one thread.

Let's see: here are some answers.

Keeping the house for me: makes huge sense financially. Unfortunately, X will fight me all the way. As we are not married, the courts would decide who gets it, or order sold to a third party.

My L feels my chances of getting awarded the house are "slim."
Why? Woodshop built specifically for X; X will be able to show all sorts of drawings and plans for porch, front entryway, woodshop, that HE designed, planned for, sweat equity.

My L advice: put a $ amount on my desires, as that will drive my strategy.

Spend all of my savings on court? and maybe still lose? or push for a lot of $ from X, and "laugh my way to the bank" as L advises?

Thanks for the 2x4 about there not being any "DB'ing" to be doing. Really, those feelings swelled up out of no-where--"if I am nice about the house, the door is open a crack!" Yeah, right.

I dropped the C who told me X "ought" to feel such and such. Going back to my first C. Met last night with new C who comes from a mindfullness-based, Buddhist influenced approach. She also does EMDR. Will see first C until new C is back from one month vacation.

Will spend time with C and friends and financial adviser trying to separate out EMOTIONAL from FINANCIAL decisions. I also need to really look at HOW I would afford a place on my own. On paper it looks workable, but real life?

I have a friend who is super accountant/banker/facilitator. She will work through some of the $ questions with me.

I know that anger, bitterness, spite, poison me, poison my thinking, and hold me back. Am trying trying trying to let go. I have moments of it!

Am meeting realtor on Friday to look at houses. Weird--one of them is being sold by a friend who's marriage just collapsed in a mess of a mess. Buying her house--weird for both of us.

Looking at houses is a "next step." Trying to plan for the worst.

Am continuing to work with my L to evaluate the best strategy. She strongly advises leveraging X's desire for the house into more $ and more time for me. She's really trying to push me away from making this a court case.

My feelings on the house are getting more clear. I love it. I'm comfy there, and in the neighborhood. X earns more $; X has home-improvement skills I don't: push for him to buy a new house.

Sooo...with all your wise advice:

keep moving forward on evaluating best financial decisions.

drop sudden resurgence of "DB'ing" thoughts

plan for the worst: court case; time drags on; X is rotten enough to move himself and OW into one of the apartments.

plan for the best: good financial outcome--however that comes to be--and see what that develops into.

Work with C to move forward on healing, letting go, etc.

Keep checking my gmail account for notices from Match.com and eharmony!

Thanks again, all. I was/am in a real low spot. Trying to pull myself out. Will do so with all of you and my RL friends.