Jack, Figgy , Bworl , Freckle , Del , and everyone else....
Thank you for your posts.....
Although many of us here have made that choice already, advice, and your hearts laid wide open, reinforces the decisions that other LBSers have already made.
Without the experience and heartfelt wisdom of posts like this...
Many of the LBSers would not have this to ponder in their struggles.
Bradley Your wife is answering their questions this way because
THEY ARE NOT AT THE TOP OF YOUR PRIORITY LIST
and your damn well right I would answer the same way because until you deserve for them to care about you, I wouldn't want them to wither because it is painfully clear that you are more important to yourself than they are and as long as you keep putting yourself on a pedastal high about them and your career high above those of a humble "cabinet maker" you will continue to disappoint them.
Buy some disneyworld passes now so when you mangage to crunch them in your busy busy schedule in the life of a busy and highly trained cardian surgeon, you can take them to Disney World and become the Disney dad you are obviously destined to be
exchange pleasentries while they ask for money for x,y and z remember not to remember the names of their friends or when their band concert was or is complain about how their mom stole them from you while you put off being able to see them because you were too busy to make it over this weekend
bow out then and let someone else be dad because they are only little once and they need someone they can depend on
your pity party is a drag and your determination to make your wife the bad guy because you MADE her be the sole parent for this long because other things took precident
all I can say is I have an advanced degree too I missed somethings in my children's life out of necessity NEVER because I didn't want to give up a day at work papers have been turned in late because I needed to ruba washcloth on the head of my fevering boy I have missed work because it was doughnuts with mom I have lost a job because I refused to compromise my vacation time that we had been planning for
but it is clear that no one and nothing is more important than your plan
you want someone to say it is OK to pursue this "dream"
Bradley...it is ok for you to pursue your dreams let yourself detach and drift slowly out of those kidlets' lives they need a dad let someone willing to be a dad then be one for them without hindering them with the guilt you will place on them, without blaming their mother for your inability to care about them
you love them like you love a pet, it sounds
a pet that someone else takes care of and cleans up after and walks and plays with
for a parent, there is no choice the fact that you are making there be one says mountains about you
yes my father was around... but I did a lot of pursuits on my own... played golf... ski racing.
but he is a narcissist who lives life as if the world revolves around him... sound familiar?
he was fairly emotionally detatched. i knew he loved me, and we did do a lot of things together... but I'm not sure there was a lot of overt love...
fig-- i do not necessarily want this career. but now it is the only thing I know how to do and the only thing I can do right now to pay the bills... and we have many.
I only wanted to have a family... I wanted my wife... but I had a hard time balancing all of that while I trained to do this thing
i went to a boarding school for ski racers when I was 13...
I think you've got the picture...and plenty of splinters I would think.
This is an opportunity for a season of change Brad. Think about ten, fifteen, twenty years from now...when your boys are grown and off after their own pursuits. Think about them marrying and beginning to have grandchildren.
At that point on down the line, you will think back to the decisions that you are making today.
Whatever you have been to this point is not what you have to continue being. This is a chance for change, a chance for re-evaluating what is truly important and crucial in your life.
For pete's sake, you trained to be a doctor who specializes in cardiac surgery....but you trained to be a doctor...a DOCTOR. People need doctors everywhere. It's a great accomplishment to be sure.
But twenty years from now your patients won't be visiting during the holidays with their kids.
You don't have to turn your back on one to prioritize the other. No excuses...no "yeah, but's"....be a doctor....but for God's sake... be a father too.
Even if you haven't taken to the role just yet, trust us when we say it is the most rewarding and fulfilling role you will EVER take on.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Well you have enough lumber here to be a cabinet maker.
Elwood,
DBing requires change.
Change is scary.
You ARE NOT DBing if YOU do not change.
There is no program that is successful relying on someone else to change for something YOU want.
I support you here, as do many others, but I am not going to say your wife is wrong knee jerk reaction when guess what? Sometimes I do not think she is.
You are losing sight of something important here.
She said she wants to work on it. Is she lying? You seem to think so.
You have to met her halfway man. If this is all on conditions that only you set, if this is all 'my way or the highway".
You sacrificed 9 years...and no fukc that, that's not even close to true. 9 years later and YOU are a surgeon cardiac or not...a SURGEON. And she sacrificed 9 years just as well.
Bradley, yes please MAN up.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop feeling OWED, you aren't.
Meet her halfway. It does seem like (SEEMS LIKE) alot of things were very much Bradley and not so much her.
Fukc I'd run from that. Fukc I did.
You want to be married? You want a fullfilling relationship? You change.
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she is prepping them for the future... she is prepping them to never have me fully in their life.
You don't know this. You don't. Expectations GOOD and BAD kill us on this trip.
Stop figuring out WHAT she is thinking, when you aren't even sure what you are.
Stop saying, "Yes, but" you sound spoiled.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 02/17/1005:55 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I've been reading your struggles here, and have just a few thoughts.
First, I am curious as to where your W lives that it is not possible for you to find a cardiac job at least somewhat near. Is it a very small isolated place?
Secondly, I understand loving your career. I love my career and I will say that there is a part of my identity that is being a teacher. Now, I did not train for as many years as you did, do not make as much money as you do, but still I love my job. HOWEVER, if I had to choose between being a teacher and not having my kids, or being a checker at Wal-Mart and having them, there choice would not be difficult at all. Yes, I have to pay the bills, but you can live more frugally or find a second job where you can still be with your kids.
The third thing I have observed, is SOME, by no means ALL males seem to have a far greater ability to detach from their children than women do. I know that we gave birth to them, but I still find it interesting.
Lastly, just some food for though from my own situation. My kid's dad since we have separated has done a horrible job. There was a time when he moved away from a few months with gf and did not see them. Now he sees them, but has such mental problems and has traumatized them so much that they do not like being around him. My older one (9) for sure, and my 4 yo is quickly getting that way. They are detaching from him due to the fact that he does not put them first and put whatever problems he has aside when they are around. He put HIMSELF first.
I did not do this by any means on purpose, and cannot control his behavior with them. I used to BEG him to be a good dad and put his kids first.
What I see happening now is that they are detaching from their dad due to his behavior, and are growing more attached to my bf of 9 months. Why? Because when he is around he behaves as their father SHOULD. Works out and practices sports with my son, helps with homework, plays and jokes around, cooks with them, helps with chores, talks to them,helps out their mom, etc. etc. These two men are like polar opposites, and kids are smart creatures.
If you choose to be THERE for you kids, doing all the things dads should do, then your kids will be bonded with you. BUT, if you choose not to, I would just be prepared that someone else will probably start filling that role. A sad but true fact.
Really think it through. Obviously if you are going to change jobs and move, but be a miserable person because you have lost your "identity" in life, and your kids are not your top priority, then it would be pointless.
Whatever you decide, I would just be prepared for the long term consequences of that decision.
Hope you don't take this as a negative attack, just sharing some thoughts with you. I don't like to be mean to people.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
Have any of you read a book that came out recently called Shantaram? its really really good.
it's a "true" story about a guy who escaped from a new zealand prison and made a life for himself in bombay... he actually became a slum dweller for some time.
so one of the slum dweller dudes gets drunk and beats his wife with a stick. they bring him out leave him hung over in the middle of the little village. he wakes up and the leader of the village will only give him more alcohol... when he asks for water. he keeps asking for it... until he is so dehyrated he is broken. then finally they give him some water and then beat the hell out of him until he give in.
kindof feel like that guy right now... but its good.
I feel my head clearing a bit. I am really thinking about everything you all have said. I feel like you all have righted me on my course a bit...
I was just walking down the hall in the hospital thinking to myself "More Mother Teresa... less Donald Trump". I don't know why those names came up but it sounded good to me...
You know my wife keeps telling me that I tell her I'm going to do something, behave a certain way and then I don't do it... that I cannot keep my word.
perhaps you all see a pattern here?
more to think about.
actions speak louder than words. I need to start living by that.
I need to take the pity party decorations down from my house...
I was a little bit worried that the posting might have been too much for you Bradley.
The good news is IF you are narcassistic it is not that bad, otherwise you wouldn't still be here.
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I am really thinking about everything you all have said. I feel like you all have righted me on my course a bit...
Good. Think. Think hard.
If I have to convince you to stay married, I won't...similar if I have to convince you to be a dad I won't either. Not after this, you should be aware of the consequences however.
As you can tell, many of us do not even see this as a choice. It's a bit alien to us.
There is one thing that bothers me a bit, and it is a revisionist history.
She might have taken your boys with her...but she went with your blessing. And now your saying that she just took them...and that isn't accurate based upon your earlier posts.
You should think about the advice given, and the type of person, father, husband, man you want to see in the mirror. What you look like to us? Fukc us. I see my face in the mirror and you should see yours. I do not live to appease any of you (no offense) and neither should you.
My sense of self and honor and respect, I set the bar for that, as should you. I know what I want to be when I grow up I know what I want passed along to my children and their children, AND I know who I want attending my funeral.
Live up to your own expectations...
and
Stop knowing what she is thinking. You don't, even if you were a brain surgeon.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
