I have to admit I thought you were talking about me being abandonded... so its interesting to think about it from that perspective. I guess it says something about the way that I think...
Trapt-- thank you for your comments. Yes I am sure fear and ego are some of the things that are swirling around my head. My wife has done a really good job of isolating the kids from me... she has made it such that "this is the way it is"... she interrupts me when they ask if I am staying, or when I am coming back and tries to smooth it all over "daddy has to work"... "daddy loves you"... all these things. So in my heartbreak, defeat, despair, and loneliness, I suppose there is a part of me that feels if I can go and at least salvage one thing in my life-- my work-- then I could feel better about things.
perhaps the 180 I need to realize is that the one thing in my life that I should at least salvage is my relationship with my kids. my wife has made that very hard... but I hear what all of you are saying for sure. That I should focus on that as the most important thing... above myself... above everything... right?
Cat I am sorry that you are so frustrated with me. I guess all I can say is that just when i finished my training... just as I have begun to develop a bond with those boys... my wife stripped them away from me. so I still feel somewhat detatched from them.. they are still somewhat of an abstract concept to me. Fatherhood is still something I am just learning to do-- but admittedly it is not at the top of my list... I suppose being heartbroken and wishing my wife loved me is. I guess that is one example of something that needs to change with me.
I love them... i love being with them... but she has seen to it to limit the connection and bond that we have. She has done this on purpose, I feel (or subconciously on purpose) so that they are not sad. so that they do not miss me or realize how tragic it is that they do not have me in their life. she is prepping them for the future... she is prepping them to never have me fully in their life.
so yes. I have an uphill battle. My reserves are empty. I feel worse every day. I am just searching for a way to get to a point that I do not feel so empty, alone, and terrible 24/7.
I did like the idea of reading to them by skype. that is a great idea. I will also ask that I get to skype with them at least twice a day... I think that will help them and me.
the wife woke up "angry" today... "angry, frustrated, cold, alone"
I feel like she says these things to put me back on my heels. I have read that this is prototypical...
