I also wanted to tell you that my H has once said something similar about being angry that my changes were "brought about" by the separation (implying that because I "made him" come down on me brutally, which he supposedly didn't want to do, this "fixed" something). It's not exactly what your H is saying, but it's a similar mindset so I wanted to share it.
Another time H said something that I thought sounded like he thought any changes in me, if they exist (!?!), were maintained by his distance (just like your H said). I told him recently that there were boundaries we needed to set and neither of us set them because we didn't know what they were and personal issues we both needed to deal with, and that didn't mean that we ever needed to D to "fix the relationship" so I was tired of hearing that mindset. We were both avoiding change and engaging in pointless conflict instead because we didn't know any better. D wasn't the solution. Work was and also reaching out for C help. At times I was resistant to that. At times he was. In-between we had a lot of fun and forgot about it until the stress piled on from life and blew down the house of cards.
But if my H wants to think the "smackdown" he gave me was the "only" way, what can I do about it? Nothing. I'm not going to argue that point or listen to it too often. I think he knows that isn't true but feels guilt and that helps him with his guilt to say "look at what you made me do to you and us." And I actually don't care if he thinks that. I'm tired of staring into the past. His opinions about the past are fine and he's certainly entitled to them. I truly only care about what is happening today and in the future that's positive.
