What should I do?

[ericmsant2]

Kerry - thank you for your response. Yes I do believe that my wife is a WAS but also has some signs of MLC. She was very niave growing up and quite frankly I can honestly say that I took advantage of this. I have tried to be consistent but quite frankly she has as well. She has consistent done what she said she was going to do. She has not file and she is the one who has detached. I do believe that she feels that she need to live alone (she has never done this) in order to prove to herself and I guess in some one to me that she can make it. However, she is scared and fustrated since in order for her to make it she has to "hurt" me. I also know that I came across for the first 4 months as a needy, dependant individual. The reality though the more I think about this is that we do not have as much in common. Over the years I have changed and so has she and we seem to have lost the connection. you add to that her need to "find herself", the mounting debt that we have and you end up with a reciept for disaster. I believe the first EA began right before the bomb. One story that I have not mentioned to folks is that about a month before the bomb she wanted to be intamate and I turned her away. So I believe she feels rejected as a women. She is not the type to go the therapy and I believe still has codependancy issues, which is why she is reaching out to get her emotional needs met. I provide the finacial need and the security of her knowing that I would be here for her. What I am torn with is should I leave the house and just file. In a way I feel that that is what she needs to have some degree of closure and find her way. But this is not what I want but I'm not sure I can sit back and watch her fall in love with someone else. She is usually very nice to me and do believe that she is trying to make the best of this situation, with the exception of going to therapy. She has made a decision and for the first time in her life (and trust me when I say the first time) she is going to stick to it even if she is wrong. She was a very, very giving and sweet person who feels that I and everyone else has taken advantage of her. I did not help by alway being critical. I can now say it was my own insecurities that caused this. I guess I struggle with thinking that no matter what I do that this marriage can make it. I spent several year focusing on my needs and enjoying myself while she was the good wife at home. So my GAL needs to be somewhat tempered in that I cannot start going out and really hanging out otherwise I send the wrong message. In terms of consistent this is why I kept up with making her breakfast. Anything I do now that is not consistent would be view as just that - see he could not keep it up. At least that is my opinion. Exposing the A may or may not work. If I expose it she will know that I looked up the person info which comes accross as manipulative, which I have been accused of (rightlfully so) being. So I really don't know what to do. Yesterday she was glowing speaking to the person, which made me sick. I have also realized that my relationship with the kids will not be impacted. From a selfish perspective, I think that filing now may be in my best long term interest but I do not want to end this M. The last time I brough up the first EA (in Dec) we made love that night and she cried. I explained to her that I understood taht part of this was my fault and that I was trying to understand. The next day I blew up and she contact and Attny - althought she has not followed thru with anything. Partly because I believe she is concerned about finances. I'm schedule to recieve my year end bonus in a few weeks and this could be the money I use to set myself up. I consider trying to hide it but then again that is the old sneaky me so doing that would send the wrong message. Am I affraid of loosing her - yes. She was the best thing in my life for a very very long time. Early on when the bomb was dropped she talked about wanting to remain friends for the sake of the kids. I'm not sure how that is going to work. Her parent have told her she should get therapy. I have mentioned it but she consider anything that anyone says as controlling and right now she is not going to be controlled by anyone. I think the 1st EA is over since he was in another state. This new one is a little worst since it is local. According to me MC she believe that she is having an identity crisis and subcontionally is not sure if she wants the divorce. The MC that we originally went to (we went to 3 sessions) felt that she would "experiment" and compare the OM to me. Since I believe the OM is married I do think I have a chance slim as it may seem. I have lost 63lb in the process. I can now say I'm a sexy 175

I've tried to GAL but I know that she can see my pain. She has told friends that they will need to be there for me. Once again, she cares but I really think that she is done. In Dec I told her that if thier was any doubt to hold off - she said she felt a sense of peace when she made the decision. My two boys are older (16 & 14) so they are pretty independant. Oh...she also said that she has been feeling the way she is feeling for several years but that she wanted to stand by her man. That is until I did something stupid. As you can image all of the girlfriends did not help. Typical - you go girl - you can do it. At this point I think some of my goals are:

1) Have the affair end by April
2) Have her open up about how she feels by May
3) Have her admit to wanting to hold off the D by Jun

She has a ton of walls around her right now and I cannot seem to get her to let her guard down. Talking to her will not help. I suspect that you are going to tell me to GAL but look forward to any other advice.

Especially about the A.