busy busy day here, and I' m still not finished. No, rui will not even read anything that will have to do with dealig with inner feelings or relationships.. unless Ton Clancy wrote one LOL
I guess I'm stuck. Been thinking a lot about this. There is a pattern, and the pattern is.. if anything goes wrong, it's my fault, or it's ok to dump it on me. DOn't get me wrong, rui has many good qualities, but this kind of issues are not is strongest trait. When I was a kid, I think I was a bit of a rebel. I suppose all I was doing was trying to push my mom and dad to see how much they really loved me. I wanted to make sure that no matter what I did, they would love me, and that the fact that they weren't my real parents didn't matter. I suppose that in some cases they actually did very well with the situation. Sometimes thought they wouldn't know what to do and they would resort to reminding me that they could "ship" me back and get rid of the problem. Many times I was told I would go back to my birthparents, many times I was required to pack my belongings, and some times , if we were in Portugal, it went as far as driving me all the way up to my birthparents house. It came to a point that althought I loved them very much and had no special feelings for my birthparents, I was secretly hoping that they would really do it and that would be the end of it. I don't think I really wanted that, but I was so tired of the threatning and the feeling like I could be "ping ponged" that way, that I wasn't sure what I would welcome more. Well, unfortunately it's starting to feel like that in my marriage. I want it to work. I want to have the same chance at happiness as everybody else. But I'm getting so tired... The threat is not being send somewhere now, but it's him leaving - which I know that he doesn't mean but it's there just the same - and the pattern is the same. And yes, sometimes I'm starting to think that if this continues, then maybe it's better if he does go. The bad thing is that the thought surfaced, even if I swish it away, it happened and I feel that as a very negative thing. MOre negative yet, because other than this, our marriage is going fine.. in a way. The other problem is another thing thhat I talked about in another post. Unfortunately Rui has the empathy of a dead cactus and the thoughtfulness of a piece of driftwood. Although he requires empathy and thoughtfulness when the situations are reversed. The reason why Im not completely finished all the work I needed to have done, is because I woke up today with some sort of pinched nerve. It affects my neck and shoulder and I can't really move that well. Movement that we usually take for granted is painful and I can't even move my head fully to the left side. I asked him this morning to help out by giving me a massage. I was asked instead if I wanted to go to the doctor. I explained the massage would be fine and help out so he finally give e all of 45 seconds of a massage and then went down to watch tv. I needed some help cooking - to reach for things which I'm having trouble with - got none, AFter lunch he had the nerve of patting me on the arm and ask what was wrong! "Oh, you're still hurting? " was his answer after he remembered. I filled up the dishwasher - more painful movement - moved it to the sink, hooked it up.. while he was looking in the fridge for a dessert. Came back to do my work while he stayed in the living room watching tv. Hinted that I would need help with dinenr... got a "I'll do it" that never became true and ended up doing it all again.... what the heck is wrong with this guy????? WHen he comes up to sleep he will probably ask me what's wrong again and I better practice my best counting backwards because I'm about to explode. WHen he's sick he needs constant attention, reassurance, company etc... me... I'm even scared of being sick around him.. it might end up being my fault as well! I know that he does feel powerless when faced with disease... but I"m not dying, just need some rest, help and to relax the muscles in that area. Basically what he needs is to grow up.. and I'm fearing he never will. DO I want this for the rest of my life? Well, I thought I did. I hoped that maybe if I could get trough him, he would be able to fix some things as I've been trying to fix stuff on my side. I even thought that we had made some progress... ok we did... but very little. And I"m talking too much again right? Sorry, needed to vent.
Nightshade
Dear twin...
SO sorry that you caught the bug. Hope it wasn't all my sneezing that did it :) Nah... the culprit was operation red lipsitck , I remember LOL Hope you get better and that you poor nose doesn't need any drastic surgery after this ordeal:):)
SEe ya tomorrow nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
I hope you feel better today. That kind of pain is no fun and he sure sounds like he was no help.
It's like he needs a ligtbulb to come on for him, or like you say to grow up some.
David needs to grow up also. I see this as he says he will do things and then doesn't. As he looks at things the way he wants and doesn't see the whole picture.
I read his posts this morning. He is only seeing one side.
I will not be contacting him.
If he decides he wants to come back good, but I need to get some order in my life.
Sorry I hijacked! It all just came out reading about you and your H.
So hope you feel better today!
{{{{{{nightshade}}}}}}
At least you didn't run into him with the dishwasher while he was getting his dessert!!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Nightshade - I don't want to start sounding like a broken record on the boards, but I recognize so much of my H's behaviors in your H - and in my H's case, clinical depression was the problem. Somehow a little prozac in him made most of my flaws disappear! I really noticed the last time his depression reappeared how short and irrationally irritable he became with the kids- and this from a guy who is usually superdad! Once he restarted his prozac he went back to being his usual good-dad self.
I know it can be hard to get a guy to admit he needs treatment for this. You might try bringing the topic up gently - but it has to be in a very non-threatening way. Or maybe you can sneak up on him - get him to start taking B vitamins and fish oil capsules for his heart, buy a light box "for yourself" but let him get some exposure to it every day, get him out exercising on a regular basis. I know it's hard when you're really close and the gun is aimed at you, but recognize this is his illness speaking and try to help him. It will pay off.
twin Just posted in your thread, but wanted to thank you for coming by, and wish that you're feeling better... - darn bug keeps going around and around !!!!
Ellie
YOu know what, I think you're right. Not that he will ever admit it, but I do think he might be depressed. It's funny but usually when we're depressed you don't always recognize it. I remember 5 years ago, the doctor was telling me I sounded depressed and I was like... Me? why? I have no reasons to be depressed... and then he asked me to write down on a piece of paper all that had happened to me in the last 2 years... so I did and then he starts ticking off thing that according to him played a major factor in depression.. Gee I had the whole thing.. from the deaths of my birthmother and my adopted dad with less than a month in between, my own serious health problem, the possibility that my position at work would be terminated, family problems here with my inlaws, working more than 2 jobs,financial problems, rui's affair... you name it, it was on that list. But still I wasn't finding all of that enough reason to be depressed! Go figure Now there has been enough stress on our lives.. and on rui's life for depression... plus he does have a tendency to have low self esteem which is depressing too - or a result of depression. But I don't think I'll be able to get him to even think about it, let alone go to the doctor to get some help... does that mean that my faults will be here forever LOL Do you think vitamin B can help a bit? I can get him to take that. Vitamins are normal manly things to take... as opposed to anti- depressants I guess instinctively I often try to put in perspective the fact that a lot of it is a result of his emotional state, but as you point out it's hard to do so when all the guns are pointing at us.. even when we're not doing anything. OH well, one day at a time... and work with what we have - that's been my mantra for so long I shouldn't have problem following it, yet, sometimes I do.. I guess I'm just human LOL Thanks
Pam another big hug to you. Thanks for being there:)
Hugsies to all, my pillow is starting to talk to me.... "it's time... - it says - you're very sleeeeeepy!" ( Where did my night owl facet go????? ) nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
HI Nightshade:0 Thanks for dropping by my thread. I'm glad you got a morale boost from it:)
Yes, vitamin B can help with mild depression as can St. Johns Wort. You have to be careful with the St.Johns Wort though if you are on some prescription meds. I had to stop taking it when I stated on my current E med. It does help you feel a little more up though:)
I hope the tension between Rui and you has eased up some Maybe he is just having one of those bad weeks?
BIg HUg!!! Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Zoo thanks for the info, I"m going to try the vitamin B, it's probably better than nothing and it might help. He's not taking any other meds so St. John's wort migh be another idea.
Yep the tension eased up a bit, but as usually because I let it ease up. He acts like nothing is wrong and all is working perfectly well, so ...heck if you can't beat them, joing them LOL I'm gonna act like that too :):)
Pam
Feeling a bit better, thanks for asking and yes I"m having a good day... I"m stubborn too you see, if it's not a good day I usually make it a good one! - it doesn't work all the time though Hugs to you dear one nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
Hi Pam:):) Feeling much better yes, thank you It's report card time in here and I have been very busy ... actually the reality is "falling asleep on the keyboard " LOL then just crawl to bed to start all over the next day heheheh Of course it was during this time that you guys had a fall party!!! I always miss the good stuff! I"m going to try and read all that I missed, or at least catch up as much as possible. Hope your week started in the best way. OK going to read some of the posts I missed Hugsies nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
:)
I really noticed the last time his depression reappeared how short and irrationally irritable he became with the kids- and this from a guy who is usually superdad! Once he restarted his prozac he went back to being his usual good-dad self.