Hello all, I have to say finding this site last night was a Godsend. I really am at my wits end on what to do I am really hoping that you can give me advice on what to do right so I don't screw this up anymore than I already have.
A bit of my marriage background
My wife and I met on the internet in late 2001 while I was in the army her and I talked on the phone and chatted on the internet, and sent each other email and snail mail. We talked for three months before getting to meet face to face and after that it was all over. We were in love, I proposed in April of 02 and we got married that June she was 19 and I was 21, we got pregnant right away, and she also had to deal with me leaving the country. We have been married for 7 years now and have two children D7 and S2.
My wife has had her problems she is bipolar or someother type of depression she has been in terrible relationships before me and has wittnessed an abusive marriage from her parents. On top of being depressed she became addicted to prescription pills, which was about a year ago. She got off of them and has been for a while. She says she still craves them but she hasn't been taking them. I don't know if that is true or not. She says that during the time I didn't take good enough care of her but to me I did what I thought was best which was get my kids out away from her and ask her why she was doing this to herself. I guess she wanted to me yell and scream and make her go see someone (again if I could turn back time)
When it came out that she was addicted to pills she said she wanted to leave which was about 8 months ago and we both agreed to see a MC but we never ended up going because to me I was trying harder and I thought things were going better. (If I could only turn back time)
So I found out that she was talking to OM and that she was just friends with him. I was continually getting paranoid and my gut was telling me there was more to this than she is telling me. What made it worse is that I had all these feelings and she made me feel guilty for it. When I found out I went into her Facebook and found his number and called him asking him to leave her alone (and I did it in an angry fashion) Well he didn't and still hasn't. My W says she loves me but isn't in love with me and to make things worse I know she has feelings for the OM. I made the mistake of asking a lot of questions about him like why him and does she love him.
She said no but she does care for him. I asked her if she saw her starting a relationship with him and she said not right now but I think that they already have. I don't want to think it is more than an EA but I have a feeling that it is.
I really don't know what to do other than to let her go. She is unhappy and she says it is worse when I am mopey that she has to leave because of what she is doing to me. I am really concerned because I told her to leave the kids with me because she is planning on moving in with a Girl friend and co-worker of hers so the kids wouldn't even have their own room. She didn't even put up much of a fight. She has "lost" her wedding ring and already "believes" that she is divorced from me. Uh ok? Do you not believe in God? were you not there standing in front of our families and friends saying you would love me basically through hell and back? Cause I was, and I think through all things we could work it out, but she doesn't want to even go see a MC. Well we went once... and things just got worse so we haven't gone again.
God I could scream out I truly need help and advice please someone help me. I am losing my wife and I love her so much. I know that I have made mistakes like smothering her and asking to many questions. Do I have a right to confront this OM again? Or is it going to matter. What kills me is that my wife says he has a good heart. Well so do I. Honestly I think I suffer from Nice-guy syndrome. I really think she is just wanting out so she can go party and have what she missed out on when we first got married. She says she wants to be friends, bestfriends. Well so do I but I want it as H and W.
Thank you for listening to me and honestly I made it short as possible. I could have gone on forever.
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
Has your wife been diagnosed as bipolar and/or a particular depression? Is she taking medications to balance her moods? When someone is off kilter (for lack of a better word) impulsive tendencies can wreak havoc. Abusing prescription medication only adds fuel to the fire. Often folks who've been sexually abused as children embrace self destructive behavior.
In situations like this, it's good to trust your bullsh!t meter and start listening to that inner voice. Removing your children from a bad situation was a very good thing to do. And if we were all perfect, we'd do the right thing each and every time, especially when it comes to mind reading.
But we're all human and learn from our mistakes. Listen to your gut. Read "Hold onto Your N.U.T.S.", the ultimate guy book.
Take a deep breath. Man up.
Define your boundaries. Hopefully Puppy or gucci will come by with their rock 'em sock 'em male point of view.
It's wonderful to love someone so much.. but at the same time you have to love you. The person responsible for their personal happiness is the face they see in the mirror.
Get healthy in mind, body and spirit. Define your boundaries. The rest will follow.
I'm glad you found this site; sorry you need to be here.
If you haven't already, get the "divorce remedy" book and start reading. Do not share it with your W. It is meant for you only.
Read as many threads as you can hear. I wish I had done more of that when I first got here. Many of your questions, and much of what you need to do, will have already been discussed in great detail in other threads.
Take extra care of yourself. It's like they tell you on the airplane, put your own oxygen mask on first so you can help others. Keep eating, drink lots water, and get exercise. If you are having trouble sleeping, go see your doctor.
Ok, now about your post:
Originally Posted By: coreruss
My wife has had her problems she is bipolar or someother type of depression
Gypsy asked too. Tell us if she was diagnosed, if she takes meds for it. I'm assuming the perscription pills she abuses are pain killers?
Originally Posted By: coreruss
She says she still craves them but she hasn't been taking them. I don't know if that is true or not. She says that during the time I didn't take good enough care of her but to me I did what I thought was best
My wife is an alcoholic and bipolar. She has often accused me of not taking good enough care of her. It's taken a lot of time for me to deal with my own guilt of this. Look, your W is the one that is responsible for her condition. You may have developed some codependence with your W, as you've tried to help the one you love the most with her problems. Consider that she may be the only one that can help with her own problems. Certainly don't accept her blame! Find a support group in your area for relatives of substance abusers. Its made a difference for me.
Originally Posted By: coreruss
So I found out that she was talking to OM and that she was just friends with him. I was continually getting paranoid and my gut was telling me there was more to this than she is telling me.
You need to trust your gut on this. I've read many times here how the cheating spouse will admit to one level lower than their actual level of infidelity. Just friends means it's much more; Just an emotional affair means it's physical. Cheaters lie. I'm sorry. Reading some threads here may help you come to grips with something you just don't want to see.
Originally Posted By: coreruss
I really don't know what to do other than to let her go.
Read the book. Read the threads. Make a plan. There is stuff you can do, and you do it for yourself. You do it so that no matter what the outcome, you will survive as a better person and father.
Originally Posted By: coreruss
She didn't even put up much of a fight. She has "lost" her wedding ring and already "believes" that she is divorced from me.
I'm so sorry. That sounds awful Corerus. Don't believe anything she says, and only half of what she does. Your W is in turmoil just like you. She needs you to be a man, one with compassion for her suffering. I'm not saying you should let her off the hook, but seek to understand. Unfair as it is, you will have to be the strong one. Sounds like you've already been carrying a heavy load.
Originally Posted By: coreruss
Honestly I think I suffer from Nice-guy syndrome.
welcome to the family. Get that book Gypsy recommend "hold on to your N.U.T.S" and also "no more mr. nice guy"
Hang in there. Post often. Many more people are reading than post. Again, I'm sorry you need to be here.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Gypsy and Awoken thank you for your replies and now to answer your questions
1: Was she diagnosed as some type of depressive?(sorry I don't remember what it was, and i feel like [censored] for it) but yes she was and she was on meds for a while then she got pregnant with our S and she got off of them and stayed off of them. She became addicted with pain killers because she has a serious scoliosis and she well became addicted to how it made her feel physically and mentally.
2. Her relationship with the OM. Tonight I made the huge fricken mistake of talking to her about her relationship with the OM and it seems as though she has "fallen for him" and it seems as though this weekend she is going to go out for his birthday.
Well she came home with the divorce papers tonight and I have no choice. She is getting angry and upset on the fact that I have told her that I'll let her go and I am going back on it. I love her but as you both said I need to care for myself and my children. So I'm letting her go even though I know she is going to go to this other guy. AHHHH this is nuts.
I have went out and bought two books the Divorce busting book and another called The 40 day love dare. I will check out these other ones.
I really want our marriage to work but she isn't willing and I can't force her to do anything. I want to confront this OM again, but I know it will just upset her more and with how everything else is going I don't want her to pull further away and maybe even try to take our kids with her.
She says how I'm a good person but she just isn't in love with me that that feeling she just doesn't have. She knows I'm a good person, she knows I love her, she knows I'm a good dad and a good husband but it is all her.
Is it bad to hope this all blows up in her face? And that she comes back to me. Am I wrong for wanting to take her back? A friend of mine told me to day she doesn't deserve me.
I don't know, I feel like I am rambling. I wish I had posted right after the W and I had talked because then it would be fresh in my mind and not so scattered. I have a problem remembering things that are said in exact detail. Guess I wouldn't be a good spy.
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
I've only got a second, but I had to comment. I'll be back when I can comment more.
Sorry about getting the D papers last night. Take care of yourself. Look, time is on your side. DON'T sign the papers or acknowledge service of them until you have your own lawyer. I imagine you will be worried that you getting a lawyer will drive her further away. This is your fear talking, don't let it talk to you. Take action for yourself, start gaining respect. Fight for your M.
Hopefully some veterans will show up soon to help with the OM issue.
Hang in there, and DON'T do anything with W until you get a clearer head, get some advice here. Time is on your side. I know you want to do something NOW. But trust me, you need to wait, work on getting clear headed.
Hang in there!
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
I've only got a second, but I had to comment. I'll be back when I can comment more.
Sorry about getting the D papers last night. Take care of yourself. Look, time is on your side. DON'T sign the papers or acknowledge service of them until you have your own lawyer. I imagine you will be worried that you getting a lawyer will drive her further away. This is your fear talking, don't let it talk to you. Take action for yourself, start gaining respect. Fight for your M.
This ^. Absolutely, this ^.
Also, do NOT do "The Love Dare." Very anti-DB, and the very definition of "pursuing." It's more for couples who are trying to reconcile, and mutually committed to the effort.
Coreruss, I can second the motion for getting the book "Hold on to your N.UT.S." Sit down and read it with a highlighter in hand. Dont just skim through it but read it as you where studying for a test that will save your life. It helped me tons.
M:40 W:40 D: 21 S: 18 D: 17 Md: 18 years -1/19/2010 W wants out -6/03/10 "Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one.."
Well I screwed because I already signed the damn papers. She moving out tonight to go live with her friend. I have no idea how my daughter is going to take this. I CANT STOP DOING EVERYTHING WRONG!!!! WHY?
She keeps telling me to let her go that she doesn't want any of this that she isn't in love with me any more but all I want is for us to love eachother and not split our family apart.
I told her I want to move on and that I am going to. Then I went and told her what has been on my mind. Telling her how dare she do this to me and that I dont deserve how she is treating me, it feels like I didn't do the right thing. All I really want to do is find this other guy and smash his teeth down his throat. I can't and wont because then i will just loose my kids.
Some one please help me
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
YOU SIGNED LEGAL DOCUMENTS WITHOUT CONSULTING WITH YOUR OWN LAWYER???? Why on earth would you do that?!
Your wife is playing you for a FOOL. I suggest you IMMEDIATELY contact a good family law attorney, and find out what kind of "right of recision" you might have in your state, if any.
Honestly I don't know why I did that because I thought that things would be better. She already said my kids can stay with me so why would I want a lawyer?
This really really sucks.
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
