My Story

[Wired]

Sandi,
Thank you for the concern. The moment I described was my darkest hour. One of those moments when everything came crashing down all at once and I felt like I was a worthless human being and the world would be a better place without me in it.
I know it sounds silly and many will scoff at the thought of it, but unless you have been in that place you will never understand.

I am thinking alot more clearly now and I can actually sleep through the night.
I have come to the realization that even though I wasnt the Wally Cleaver of fathers, husbands over the years. I did not do to bad. I put a roof over my families head, I put food on the table and clothes on their backs. I tried to be as loving as I knew how(part of my issue of not knowing how).
I never abused, slept around or lost my temper completely with any of them. I wasnt perfect, but I was not a monster.
I know it takes more than this to make a marriage work, and I can see that now and I am trying, but if she doesnt want to give me one last chance then it is her that is loosing out on something great. Not me.

Thank you for your continued support and I will continue to keep this updated as often as possible. Not much to say right now as she isnt speaking to me once I divided up our finances and told her no I wasnt going to buy our D21 a new video card so she could sit up in her room and play warcraft all day. Bad news times folks, this is real life and the games end now.

[jasper67]

Wired- I have been where you are and sometimes cycle through it daily. Though I do not have children. It's very important that you keep that perspective. Forgive yourself for what you did or did not do, and just carry on as best you can.

I have journaled for months- and I can see the cycling- if you can hold on to that reality that you describe above- you will heal well.

[Wired]

I started a journal myself. Its funny how you can look back and see the ups and the downs. It helps to look at the downs and to recognize them and not to repeat them.

[Wired]

Update Again.
Had first visit with therapist yesterday. It was kind of ironic that many of the things she said I had heard already from these very boards. But I did feel better after talking to her as it gave me someone to sound off on some of the things I have been going through and gave me a bit of assurance that things will be ok. She wants me to come back next week with at least 2 things I have done to make myself happy and show that I am taking care of myself. The list she gave me of suggestions had "Blow some bubbles" Im going to stop at walmart on the way home from work today and buy some just to see what happens.

Wife still not speaking to me. She is upset that I took half of our state refund to open my own account, wait till she realizes that I have also taken half of our federal return and put it into my new account. Makes me wonder if this whole time I havent just been a breathing ATM for her.
I know this is the wrong forum for this, but I need to start looking at if I really want to try and save my marriage or to just move on. Coming home to a tomb is not the must pleasant thing in the world. Is this just a phase I wonder? Is it normal to wonder if you just wouldnt be happier starting over?
Guess I need to read DR again now that I seem to be thinking with a clearer mind now.
Thank You all again for the support.

[Wired]

Sorry so long posting. Got the call last Sunday that no son wants to hear. My mother had passed on in the night. So after a week of ups and downs and feeling pain that I had never felt before, I am back to getting on with my DBing. The funny thing is I really am starting to look at this whole situation and trying to decide if its what I really want. I need to find that answer before I post anymore. So in case this is my last, thank you all for being there and all the kind words and prayers.
Your Friend
Mike

[MrBond]

Sorry to hear that. I hope you are doing okay.

I know all this stuff with your W certainly isn't helping much, but hang in there. We all feel the intense ups and downs during this process.

You are still very early in the process, and I remember how badly I hurt during that time as well.

Feel free to come on here for all the support you need.

[sandi2]

Sorry to hear about your mother. I hope you will come back and stay in touch.

Sandi

[Wired]

Updating finally since I cant seem to keep away from this site.

-Second session with therapist last night, she is concerned with the meds doctor has placed me on,says I seem to be a lot less focused then the last time we spoke. Had a good talk otherwise, funny though it all seems to be quoted from things I have read here. But it is nice to have the ummmm affirmation I think is the word?

-Still on the roller coaster of "Do I still want to be in this marriage?" But have put that on the back burner for the time being as I am trying to piece together my life and shortcomings I see with in myself. Also trying to let go of the past mistakes and look forward to being a better person as each day goes by.

-I come home to a tomb some nights, it seems the minute I walk in the door everyone heads upstairs and I dont see anyone for the rest of the night unless they come down to get a drink of water or something out of the fridge. This is usually the toughest time for me as the lonlieness sets in.

-Wife has not brought up the subject of D or anything since we returned from my mothers funeral. Well in fact she hasnt brought anything up. We rarely speak more then 1 or 2 words.

Taking baby steps now. Still working towards becoming the "Me" that I want to be. Reading through alot of the older posts here and in some of the other sections is opening up my eyes a bit and helping me to identify traits that I see in myself that I want to change and also gives me some insight into "what went wrong" so many years ago.
Keep up the good work around here guys/gals, at least one person is listening

[Wired]

House extremely quiet last night. But you know something, I wake up today in a better mood then I have been in weeks. I have the song "Whats going on?" by 4 non Blondes stuck in my head for some reason.
Starting to see things clearly now, think I can finally start getting on with this thing called life.
Have a good day everyone.

[FindingMyVoice]

Hi Wired,
Just checking in to see how you're doing. Want also to offer my sympathies at your mom's passing. Sorry to hear you're alone a lot while you're grieving - that must make it even tougher. Glad to hear your day yesterday started off well. Hope it continued that way!

Anyways just wanted to see how you're progressing, and to thank you for the input you've offered me. I'm pretty lacking in experience here but if I can offer an ear or support in return for your kindness, I'm hear to listen...well, read I guess, is more accurate! (see I don't even know how to do that cool smiley face yet!)