"I'm sorry you feel that way. We don't have to hold the same opinions to like each other and get along." or "I'm not going to be made fun of for making positive changes." Or in the case of the cat situation: "I'm sorry your feelings are still hurt from the past." just call it out for what it is? whispering your hurt and fear conspiratorially to a cat? if you reframe his "jokes" as hurt maybe he'll own up to weakness/trust issues with you or hide them and not bring them up in a hurtful manner because he's embarrassed to be thinking his trust paranoia out loud. Like his "issues" are showing so he better solve them.
I agree when Freckles said this: "I think he's threatened by your changes. If you were giving it right back to him, he could keep blaming you for how he acts. Like a "freak-out" from you gives him justification to treat you like that. Now that you aren't doing those things, and if you keep not doing those things, he's not going to be able to ignore that he's the one still acting like an @ss while you're calm and rational."
The fact is it's getting time to put up or shut up in your R. Is he coming back or not? Is he willing to look his own patterns and weaknesses in the face and at least try to fix them instead of blaming others for his own insecurities, fears, and emotions? He may not be ready for any of the above.
Keeping a fight and anger going allows him to dump his wife, dump his child, and blame you for the dumping. Maybe he won't change or do the work to fix himself and doesn't want to feel guilty for leaving. He wants to stay the same and get to stay in R. Or stay the same and leave and blame YOU for it when it was him who was stuck in his personal growth all along.
