maybe it was a mistake

[nightshade]

Hey Pam

busy busy day here, and I' m still not finished.
No, rui will not even read anything that will have to do with dealig with inner feelings or relationships.. unless Ton Clancy wrote one LOL

I guess I'm stuck. Been thinking a lot about this. There is a pattern, and the pattern is.. if anything goes wrong, it's my fault, or it's ok to dump it on me.
DOn't get me wrong, rui has many good qualities, but this kind of issues are not is strongest trait.
When I was a kid, I think I was a bit of a rebel. I suppose all I was doing was trying to push my mom and dad to see how much they really loved me. I wanted to make sure that no matter what I did, they would love me, and that the fact that they weren't my real parents didn't matter.
I suppose that in some cases they actually did very well with the situation. Sometimes thought they wouldn't know what to do and they would resort to reminding me that they could "ship" me back and get rid of the problem. Many times I was told I would go back to my birthparents, many times I was required to pack my belongings, and some times , if we were in Portugal, it went as far as driving me all the way up to my birthparents house. It came to a point that althought I loved them very much and had no special feelings for my birthparents, I was secretly hoping that they would really do it and that would be the end of it. I don't think I really wanted that, but I was so tired of the threatning and the feeling like I could be "ping ponged" that way, that I wasn't sure what I would welcome more.
Well, unfortunately it's starting to feel like that in my marriage. I want it to work. I want to have the same chance at happiness as everybody else. But I'm getting so tired... The threat is not being send somewhere now, but it's him leaving - which I know that he doesn't mean but it's there just the same - and the pattern is the same. And yes, sometimes I'm starting to think that if this continues, then maybe it's better if he does go. The bad thing is that the thought surfaced, even if I swish it away, it happened and I feel that as a very negative thing.
MOre negative yet, because other than this, our marriage is going fine.. in a way.
The other problem is another thing thhat I talked about in another post. Unfortunately Rui has the empathy of a dead cactus and the thoughtfulness of a piece of driftwood. Although he requires empathy and thoughtfulness when the situations are reversed.
The reason why Im not completely finished all the work I needed to have done, is because I woke up today with some sort of pinched nerve. It affects my neck and shoulder and I can't really move that well. Movement that we usually take for granted is painful and I can't even move my head fully to the left side.
I asked him this morning to help out by giving me a massage. I was asked instead if I wanted to go to the doctor. I explained the massage would be fine and help out so he finally give e all of 45 seconds of a massage and then went down to watch tv. I needed some help cooking - to reach for things which I'm having trouble with - got none, AFter lunch he had the nerve of patting me on the arm and ask what was wrong! "Oh, you're still hurting? " was his answer after he remembered. I filled up the dishwasher - more painful movement - moved it to the sink, hooked it up.. while he was looking in the fridge for a dessert. Came back to do my work while he stayed in the living room watching tv. Hinted that I would need help with dinenr... got a "I'll do it" that never became true and ended up doing it all again.... what the heck is wrong with this guy?????
WHen he comes up to sleep he will probably ask me what's wrong again and I better practice my best counting backwards because I'm about to explode. WHen he's sick he needs constant attention, reassurance, company etc... me... I'm even scared of being sick around him.. it might end up being my fault as well!
I know that he does feel powerless when faced with disease... but I"m not dying, just need some rest, help and to relax the muscles in that area.
Basically what he needs is to grow up.. and I'm fearing he never will. DO I want this for the rest of my life? Well, I thought I did. I hoped that maybe if I could get trough him, he would be able to fix some things as I've been trying to fix stuff on my side. I even thought that we had made some progress... ok we did... but very little.
And I"m talking too much again right?
Sorry, needed to vent.

Nightshade

Dear twin...

SO sorry that you caught the bug. Hope it wasn't all my sneezing that did it :)
Nah... the culprit was operation red lipsitck , I remember LOL
Hope you get better and that you poor nose doesn't need any drastic surgery after this ordeal:):)

SEe ya tomorrow
nightshade