Boy, I sure hope you're both reading and absorbing the powerful stuff that's being shared with you.
I, as a father of two boys, cannot fathom making a decision between something career related and boy related....and choosing the career side.
Maybe it's different because you're a cardiac surgeon.
Then again, maybe not.
This marriage crisis stuff...it's kind of like a refiner's fire. It purifies us...if we allow it to. This is a time in your life when the absolute upheaval in our life should naturally cause us to examine every inch of who we have become, what we have come to value...and hold it up to what we once thought we would be.
I submit to you that it's easier to choose yourself at this moment.
I further submit to you that this decision could very well haunt you for a long time to come.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Have you considered that this might be one of the lessons waiting for you on your part of your W's journey?
yes... sometimes I wonder if its like some sort of golden key. Like if I put myself all in to just that... honestly... then she would see a side of me that she has not seen before and may feel something different about me. dunno.
for certain, I need to make them more of a priority. to anyone reading my posts I'm sure we all know that I have not changed much, that I am still self centered, still having a pity party for me and all that.
but I am desperately lonely. I live in a house by myself in a town with no friends.. hey maybe I need to join the VFW or somthing like that and just start hanging out with some of the old dudes in town.. din't think of that but that might be a good thing to do.
I do not think I have grown much yet... but I have had a lot on my plate... all at once... so it has been very very hard. the hardest thing by far I've ever had to go through.
should we all get a t-shirt made that says, "hey, at least I'm not in haiti!"
I was thinking that would sell well on this site...
way to come in there with the 2x4 to the knees at the end... you lulled me into a state of calm and then whacked me.
yes... it is all hitting very hard and very forcefully.
of all things I need to come back and read it is probably this thread... more than anything.
hey how young can kids start using cell phones? I know they have little ones that you can program. was thinking of doing that. no not to snoop but just to give them a way to communicate with me on a regular basis... mom would probably hate that. don't know.
yes. it is easier to choose myself right now.. for sure.
and the decision would probably haunt me, as you said.. thank you.
you need to put yourself all in there not as the golden key to "show your wife"
but
as the golden key to show yourself
humbleness humilty dying unto yourself...there was a choice to be a parent...being a parent means that someone else's needs now come before yours...it is making the hard choices because someone else is more important than you
your children will not go hungry because you take this job...you are not caught trying to decide if your kids can be home by themselves for 3 hours while you finish your second job because you need food
you are not a million miles away because there are no jobs where they live and you all can't afford to live where you can get a job
there is no "doing this so she will see" there is only DOING
doing because there is no other choice
when you realize that you are being given a chance to practice humilty, selfless love without the loss, I would jump at it
God doesn't offer us too many of these chances your next lesson in humility and parental love may not come at the cheap cost of a different career
your options are to nurture a relationship with your children where they know they come 1st, not that you gave up blah blah blah for them but that they simply came 1st or let their relationship be nutured by someone else and you just come over to look at the pretty flowers sometimes...one where they always know that daddy is a cardiac surgeon and has a very important job...and OM tucks them in at night
you are right, this is a "choice" you have to make I guess I just don't see it as a choice unless I could not provide for my children and they were better off with me somewhere else, I would not consider living away from them as even a possibility
what service are you doing your children by being a cardiac surgeon somewhere else? or is this option only to serve your desires
they make simple cellphones specifically for children but your wife seems very open to letting them skype with you etc why not make it a habit to call and read a bedtime story with them every night at 7 or something? It will take less than 15 mins but create a ritual to look forward to every night
I guess my 2 cents are that no matter what you decide about your job you really need to 180 your position with your kids. Look very closely about how you can interact with them and be their dad. You need to be involved with their lives some how and some way. That is more important than anything else. You only have a short time in your life to be their dad. There are no second chances. They ultimately will define you.
My son only made eagle scout once in life. I can never go back and change that. I was there to push him and mentor him to do that. Not his mom. My job was also challenging as far as time was concerned. One of my W complaints is that I was never there enough for them however I know that w/o me my children would not be as successful as they are today. Now they don't want me in their day to day activities, we can talk by phone so the window of time is short in life. Believe me when I say this.
You have gotten some good suggestions on how to connect with them more. Even if you do nothing else take those suggestions and figure out how to influence you children to be the best that they can be.
I had to search back to see how old your boys are. They're babies still--you only get one shot at giving them a good childhood. Logistics of visitation 4 hours away, for the next 12 years will be a nightmare.
Friend's birthday parties, sports practices and games, school functions, etc. will start being issues and being 4 hours away, it'll become easier to skip *this* weekend so they can do X until you're skipping more weekends with them than not. I don't mean that you would want to not see them, but understandably you won't want to always be taking them from all that other childhood stuff. If you're local, they can still have their time with you and you can drop them at Chuck E. Cheese for Joey's birthday party for a couple hours and pick them up and have the rest of your time together.
I feel terrible for men in your situation where the wife wanted out and suddenly you're without your partner *and* your children. Unfair doesn't even begin to cover it. And it's unfair that you're having to decide between something you worked so hard and so long for and being near your boys. But it's even less fair that their Daddy isn't part of their everyday lives anymore.
I know your W took away your say in the your marriage and she took away your children from your home and you can't do anything about that, but you can make it so you have every opportunity to be a frequent and consistent part of their lives by moving closer to them. It isn't just about scheduled visitation. It's about the important little league game on a Tuesday evening, about being able to stop by for an hour in the hospital with some contraband food when one has had his tonsils out or being able to get to the ER when one has broken an arm after climbing a tree. With the busy schedule of a cardiac surgeon 4 hours away, will those things be possible over the years?
I tried to make my 2x4 out of pine, rather than a harder wood.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Hi Brad, I can tell you from experience or lack of. The most important thing when one becomes a parent is to be truly there for your children. By showing them love, listening to their problems and to play with them and have fun together. Or otherwise they can and will grow up unbalanced. Next month will be the sixth year I’ve been in IC. And three guesses why that is?
Now people are and talking about songs, my top two are from the same year 1972, when I was 13. I remember seeing the first one in March on ‘Top Of The Pops’ they showed a film clip (this was before the time of music video’s) of a young mother with her 5 year old son in a park, and the son was pushing his little boat along the side of a small lake all while this song was playing ‘Without You’ by Harry Nilsson. Get the song up on youtube click on the rare piano demo. Also read all you can about the song and writers Peter Ham and Tom Evans of the group ‘Badfinger’. They must have literally believed in the words of this song.
The next song is by the BeeGees. ‘Run To Me’ I had not long started to go to the local kiddy disco’s on Tuesday nites when the would always play this one, get it up on youtube click on a long live version of it then come back and tell us about what you think about them both.
