Happy, silly, fun - done that. I literally bite my tongue a lot! I read a list of my 180s that I wrote a few months back and I've done an amazing job at turning into Ms. Calm, happy, upbeat, the works. It has had some effect. But when H continues to jab at me as if I'm some demonic crazy person (especially when that is how he is acting!) it is cuts even deeper!
You must realize from my posts how painful it can be to hold all this in. I've done it, gals. I really have. I may not have responded in the best way, but I didn't lose it, fight back, get weepy and defensive, hurt, whatever. I don't show him any emotional rise.
So finding a stronger response welcome as holding it in now for so many months is really starting to hurt. I mean, it feels demeaning to constantly "take it" without responding. Silence can come across as an agreement, too.
I guess after so many months I should give up hope that he'll come to realize that I have changed. I need to stop hoping for recognition, although that is what my heart is starving for. Especially when he puts it that "he will only reconcile once he believes my changes" well honey he has a lot of changes to do whether he wants to admit it or not. So I've changed and he won't come back because he won't admit it? Starting to feel like a real mindf**k.
Secondly, I need to figure out my responses ahead of time. He's not going to stop jabbing at me - for now - so I need to either go more dark to protect myself, which I hate to do now that the walls are softening and we're in MC, or I need to have some ready made statements on hand. Any suggestions?
Well the examples lately consist of "jokes" (but the VErbal Abuse book says that jokes can be a way of denying how cutting a remark is). I know H's dad used to make "jokes" about H's mom's weight - and it was cruel. So he has the pattern.
Also exactly like his father, he gives more love, respect, and attention to our cat than he does to me. The cat gets constant affection, praise, nobody is to move him from his seat. I mean it's weird. But the wives get pushed around.
So this morning he's "talking to the cat" and warning his dearly beloved that I might do something horrible to this cat like "freak out" or whatever. It sounds ridiculous as I write it. But it really hurt me. Then when I lightly responded that I have stopped doing that for a long time now, he digs in, with a big smile, "That's because I never stick around long enough to find out."
It just appauls me that I know how much change I have implemented, that he takes credit for it, can make fun of me, and all the while make love to the cat to show me that the darn animal deserves more love than I do.
First of all, it just occured to me to get rid of the cat!
Secondly, how can I not be hurt inside by all this? He would have no power and I would know what to do if I wasn't reacting all over the place internally. I know how to stay cool externally, but internally?
Does that make it clearer Freckle?
And thank you all for helping me figure this out. it seems like my next big growth hurdle!
PS - take pants off? Yeah right. He's made it clear he's repulsed by the idea of being naked with me.
Wow, after I read all this, I wonder what I'm even wasting my time with this guy for?....
