Thought I was done

[NoLongerHere]

I guess the question is, do you want to be the second-best? You're not "true love" but at least you want to spend time with her?

That is not how an even vaguely-healthy adult person loves. IMHO. You are worth more than a bandaid for her loneliness.

No, I don't. And I am worth more than that.

Bill, I think our situations are very similar, and although I stopped snooping long ago...

Yeah, I did too. At some point I started again. And I hate doing it. Yeah, that's easy to say, isn't it - I guess I still have a need to know what I'm dealing with, through all this back-and-forth. I don't trust a damn thing she says. But when's all said and done, very soon she won't be my wife anymore, and it's really just an invasion of privacy. And honestly, it just leads me to be hurt, and is a source of anger. So, yeah, I know that I need to grow up on that one.

I refuse to be second choice. I'm happy and secure enough now that I'm willing to face the future without her. My W made a half hearted move to end it with OM, but she made it so clear how little she felt toward me that I said I was done and moving on. She got very angry and went running back to OM. I knew it was my only hope of ever getting the respect necessary if we were to ever try to reconcile.

I've been there, I've walked off, I've given my speeches, gave her my ring back, told her to get out, gone and dated, etc. But I guess none of that means much because I've backslid. Yep.

Do you think her saying "I should just go back to Bill and give up on true love" is a slap in your face? Sounds like one to me.

Yep. Somewhat numb to it maybe at this point, but this the kind of thing that led me in therapy last week to tell her that she was despicable. She took our relationship and treated it like garbage. I've told her that too.

When we started dating and I was the one who was less vested in our R, she pursued me like crazy. No coincidence that the emptiness started after we had kids and I started behaving as though nothing would ever make me leave her and the kids. No matter how poorly she behaved, how selfish, how much she neglected me, I was a rock, absolutely devoted and committed.

Hmm. Very similar in my case.

When your wife comments that you are clearly always wanting to spend time with her, she gives away your most glaring weakness right now.

Yep, that's what I thought when I read it.

While I don't advocate the same as rob might, I will say that reaching out to her while she is actively pursuing another person makes no sense.

Your position was supposed to be that as long as she is seeking another, the two of you are nothing but coparents.

You can be civil, even pleasant, without appearing needy. It seems from her comment that she is NOT getting that impression from you.

Here is possibly where rob's hardcore line and my seemingly softer line meld. Your wife should not get your time and attention when she is involved with another. Keep things to business and kids.

But for goodness sake, don't implement such a thing and make it seem like you are shunning her or punishing her. It should be matter of fact, and it should be clear to her that you are MORE than ok with the status of things - that is, YOU MOVING ON TO A HAPPY LIFE and her continuing to pursue her fantasy boy toy.

I have had a hard time with this. I've oscillated between too cold and too available. I see it, I know it, and it's been my problem since this began. I need to change my behavior.

Sometimes you gotta fake it till you make it, you know?

I've had a hard time with that too. I find it difficult to smile - the projecting PMA hasn't been a strong point. Instead I'm blank. For example, today, I came to pick up the kids, she said something briefly, and then said, "Are you OK?" And I said "yeah." And she said, "It's weird talking to you with your sunglasses on." I must be Terminator-like.

I'd say, "Sweetheart, I'm not your friend, not while you're pursuing another man. We are co-parents and I'll cooperate just fine on that end. But other than that, I'm not investing myself in a relationship when you've made your choice."

Yeah, I've said that too - sent that email, telling her I'm not willing to extend the divorce while she's seeing someone else. For that, she thought I was an a$$hole. Oh well.

P.S. Stop fixing her problems while she's emailing her boy toy! If she needs something fixed, she should call him. And by the way, does he sound like a great catch or what?

It was a weird situation - I was just dropping off some of the kids things, next thing I know she drags me into the house and says "can you talk to these people?" Next thing I know I'm switching out cables, etc. - when all that needed to be done was switch off the power strip and switch it back on. Appears my annoyance was clear.

Oh, and this guy - don't get me started. I was just floored when I figured it out.

Thanks everyone for the responses.

I started this thread with the question in mind - is this a relationship I'd want back? I still can't answer that. My thoughts have been mostly about my boys recently. They're showing signs of struggling. I'm looking at eating up their college fund for a down-payment on a house. The living standards for everyone will go down. Life is going to be a struggle for some time.

Is that a reason to try? Is it possible to believe that we could rebuild the relationship that, honestly, we had? She told me last night "I really wanted you to be the one." That was a strange thing to hear.

Bill - I think you nailed it on a prior response - when things look up, one of us freaks out. I wonder if there's a part of me sabotaging it. I still have so much anger, I think there's a part of me that can't stand the thought of trying to reconcile.

Anyway, clearly, I've done this all wrong. I've made attempts at doing it right, but have not been consistent. At all.

One thing I need to do now is write up my version of a proposed settlement. I guess I should just move forward with the mechanics of the D. Show I'm not dragging my feet. Push her up to the side of the cliff.

We have therapy tomorrow. I have no idea what to say, what I want or need to say.