Doing hard time on the MLC chain gang.

[MHL]

Thanks to all, appreciate the words of encouragement. As you all well know sometimes it is hard as hell and other times it seems like I am going to breeze through this.

We actually got 5 to 6 inches last night, unbelievable. It is melting quickly today. Put the damper on going out last night with Kemper. We actually live about 3 miles away from each other. Go figure, out of the hundreds or thousands of people on these boards that we connect with and support each other one of them is around the corner.

Kemper, I know your out there lurking, we'll get out for GAL activities another time.

D13's school soccer game got canceled last night and so did her club soccer games this weekend, so she spent the night at friends house and S9 spent the night with my W. Did not realize it was Poker Night at neighbor's house last night. So got my 12 pack and headed over, it was great!. I really enjoyed myself, no guilt about not spending time with the kids. Everyone was glad to see me, I used to run the poker group for 3 years until all this crap came up. It was a great night.

MSH, better make it a case...I will be over with the cheerleaders later tonight.

Last night would have actually worked, HaHaHa.

One of the guys (lets call him Fred) in the group did crash at my house last night b/c of the roads. He and his W split up 3 years ago, they used to live in the hood and were one of the first in the "circle of friends" to separate, they are not D, just separated. "Fred" is 4 years post bomb and 3 yrs separated. Fred and I were talking this morning and he told me he still has strong feelings for his W. She is definitely MLC, I remember talking about her with my W when Fred's W was doing this and we commented how dumb she was, (same M.O. hit 40, lost weight, started going out, had multiple A's) so ironic that my W is doing the same thing now, exactly.

I asked Fred about how it is now with his W and has she expressed any desire to reconcile? Fred said that often when they are together and have been drinking she will apologize and talk about getting back together but couldn't face his family, friends etc. but realizes what she has done. Fred also says next day she goes right back into the tunnel. Fred and I talked about his W and my W and their guilt, pride and how they feel unworthy of forgiveness. Also talked about cutting them off and really going dark, hard to do with young kids. Bottom line here is some MLCers never do come out to really face what they have done. The other thing Fred and I talked about is they have to want us so bad that they don't care what anyone else thinks about them and what they have done.

Fred admitted that while he has feelings for his W, he doubts it will ever work out because he does not know if they can overcome the time they have been apart. Sometimes his W says she just wants to be a family again and he resists (good for him) he has told her they should date first and get it right with each other. Fred said that is where the problem is, she does not or can not get there and does not put any energy into them as a couple. He did say that she knows that anyone else that she meets is going to have baggage to bring to any potential R, so comes the depression with the reality of the life the MLCer has chosen, but yet can't quite make the step to come back to the life they so desparately want.

Fred and I agreed that both of our wives are addicted to the short term high of a fleeting R or ONS, knowing full well that they will be in more pain after they self medicate. I suspect that some MLCer's never come out of the tunnel and live in the depression state for the rest of thier lives, they just continue to cycle.

Once you get over the pain and detatch, move on, or whatever from your spouse, you still sit in theatre watching the horror movie. You yell at the screen no don't open the closet door or go in the basement but yet the victim still does it and we sit and watch. So hard to watch the one you love go through this and cause themselves pain over and over again.

[dwinter82]

MSH, I would be interested in hearing more about the "going dark" discussion. I think I am at that point. I just feel like I have put up with so much that going dark is all that is left. I lost a lot of respect for the W for her kid intro approach. She has been so disrepectful. Right now I do not want anything to do with her. I do not want to be an ass but I can hardly stand to be around her...lot of anger.

Thoughts?

How is your weekend going? I have the kids this weekend and we have had a really fun day.

[MHL]

Hey DW,
Glad you are having a good weekend with the kids, I just got back from taking the kids and 3 of their friends to the movies. Double date for my D13, totally innocent but she is growing up so fast, and everyday she gets more beautiful. I am going to have a real problem on my hands in a year or two, I will have to start cleaning my shotgun when the boys come a calling, of course I'll have to go buy one first. I actually am not worried at all even after what my D13 has been exposed to, she has such a good moral foundation thanks to her mother. I so want that person back in all of our lives.

It was funny when we were at the local cineplex for the 5:00 shows, it has been awhile since I have been to the movies. I realize this is the entertainment of choice on a Saturday for all the divorced parents out there when it is their turn to have the kids for the weekend. I am standing in the lobby waiting with my S9 and his friend for my D13's movie to let out. I am looking around at all the single parents with kids that were there, I mean a ton of them. I find myself looking at the ring finger now on any adult I see between the age of 30 and 55, just making a mental note. I don't want to be in this group, or this 50% of the populace, I like the idea of being "married" I just cannot imagine being with anyone else otherthan my wife.

I did see my W today when I got my S9 and it was hard b/c she was looking great, she looked like she might be going out after work, or date or whatever. As I was leaving I told her she looked nice and she thanked me. I had a down moment after that for part of the afternoon, doing better now.

I would be interested in hearing more about the "going dark" discussion. I think I am at that point. I just feel like I have put up with so much that going dark is all that is left. I lost a lot of respect for the W for her kid intro approach. She has been so disrepectful. Right now I do not want anything to do with her. I do not want to be an ass but I can hardly stand to be around her...lot of anger.

Thoughts?

Me and Fred talked about anger and how that could fuel the "No Contact" or "Going Dark" but it is hard to do with kids involved, damn near impossible. We want our spouses to feel the absense of us but it is hard to do without coming across as an A$$. I think in your sitch that being an that way just gives her something to talk about with OM and makes you look bad. I had a separate IC for anger management that helped me tremendously, I am not saying you have an anger management problem but the tools I learned are insightful.

The IC I went to used the techniques in "ACT on Life Not on Anger" Eifert,Mckay, Forsyth. It is not a book to sit down and read cover to cover, you read a chapter and practice the techniques for a week or so and then move on to the next.

I think that this may benefit you b/c as your kids experience problems growing up you are going to want to blame her for everything that is not going right in their lives. If you can't "mold" your judgements and thoughts about your W's decisions then anger is going to be a "way of life" for you and that will kill you literally. This could be your single biggest self improvemet goal, IMHO. I think as you focus on yourself and your life your feelings of anger will diminish. I also think that you will learn some things that you will be able to pass on to your children b/c as they age they will undoubtedly develope some feelings of anger towards your W as she will ultimately be viewed as the one who threw in the towel. You will be able to be the "more mature" parent in helping your kids deal with their emotions.

For you, for now, I don't think you deny yourself these feelings or try to avoid them, in fact embrace them and fully experience them so that you can develope a healthy way to deal with them. Sounds counter intuitive just like DBing but you can not run from or avoid situations that make you angry especially in dealing with the mother of your children.

[dwinter82]

MSH, Thanks for the thoughts. I agree with everything.

However, to be honest, right now I do not care if I look bad (in her eyes). I just need to shut down the R, and give myself as much space as possible. I feel like I have put up with enough. She has really shown her true colors and it is someone I do not want to be around, at all! I have not been mean but very distance.

I have to think long term so I do not damage our ability to work together and raise the kids (although she has already disregarded me in this matter) but I also need to be able to look at myself in the mirror and stand up for what I beleive in. What she has done is very wrong and I am not going to pretend anymore like it is not.

[Cadet]

IMHO - GO as dark as possible. It is the best thing to take the focus off of you and put it elsewhere.

It is also the best thing for YOU.

[dwinter82]

Thanks Pilot, I do not want to further hi-jack MSH's post but can you give me an idea of what "going dark" means to you. I am assuming it means avoidance from a physical and communicative perspective unless it relates to the kids-all in a civil manner.

I picked up the kids yesterday at her house. I did not go in and instead, waited outside for them and said very little to her. She got really pissy. I was not mean, just distant.

[MHL]

DW,
Posted in your thread in separated.

I have had some positive baby steps today and I am still evaluating and watching to see what happens next. Praying for PATIENCE at this point and hopefully I will have more than baby steps later. I am sorry for the vague post but I am off the page in the playbook, and any progress in my sitch right now would only be b/c the grace of God and how he is leading me.

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone, you are all deserving of the Love and Support on these boards.

[Cie la vie]

MHL,

I have had some positive baby steps today and I am still evaluating and watching to see what happens next.

Well? I'd be interested to know what positive steps are being made. Lord knows my sitch has nothing to add at this point to that side of the ledger. Keep us posted.

[MHL]

CLV,
Kemper just left and he is going to think I am a big ole liar b/c I told him I was not going to post on my thread until I saw more from my W. Kemper and I get together about once or twice a week and kill some beers at my place or local bar, yes it is nice having a fellow DBer live around the corner.

Yes I am seeing some positive things, nothing earth shattering, no ILY's or Great admissions of guilt and wrong doing or wanting to come back. Mostly small things, hug here, sharing how she is feeling, being at ease talking to me, 1 or 2 contacts initiated by her. I won't go into detail b/c I can't really say that I am DBing, I am not pursuing but I would not say that I am DBing. I am in uncharted waters here and I don't want to mislead anyone with the positives I am having. I fully realize what I am doing or not doing and as long as I am seeing something different from her I will keep it up but with zero expectations.

Is my W in MLC? yes. Do I know where she is as in what stage? no Definitely am seeing more and more of my old W and almost none of the BS behavior that comes with MLC. Of course, my W does not live here anymore so my assertions are based on the limited interactions I have with her. Don't know if there is a OM in the picture or not, don't care, my actions or non-actions are the same. Hopefully, I can share more in due time but as I said I am watching and evaluating what she is doing.

I will come downstairs and see you tomorrow in separated, I still look at everyone's sitch daily DW, CTH, Nik, Tom, Lolal, and yours CLV. Thanks for checking in on me, I don't know where I would be without the support I get on these boards.

[C-Bart]

Must have missed this yesterday. I was wondering how you were doing. How are you today?