Thanks for the 2 x 4 sandi. I am stronger than I was 6 months ago but I still need to have this stuff beaten into me...
Originally Posted By: sandi2
She is disrespecting you with this A and you need to call it what it is......an affair and stop allowing her to talk all around it about other things in the R.
Believe me, I must have used the word Affair at least 10 times the other night. I am no longer mincing words on this one. After talking to my therapist the other night, we agreed that my W has this A compartmentalized to a very high degree. It was interesting that when I first confronted the other night, my W said, "we aren't together anymore". I immediately reminded her that we are in fact still married and that what she is doing is having an affair. She is deeply entrenched in her justifications right now.
I feel in my heart that the time for tough love is here. I hear it from you, my friend who is in the loop and my therapist. I just get so confused about her actions. In our talk the other night, I mentioned some things I had read in the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. The next night at dinner, the first thing she mentioned was that she wanted to make sure she had the name of the book right so she could buy it. I saw tonight that she did buy it. I can see two scenarios here, the first being that she is placating me and wants to bring me back in line my making a token effort and the other being some real desire to work towards an understanding and a solution.
This morning, I was distant from her. Honestly, I was having trouble looking her in the eye. She was on her way to her car and came back and said that she "hated that I was not able to even look at her and that it made her feel like I was pushing her 100 miles away" I know that I may be being manipulated but when she did what she did this morning, it makes me feel like she is trying to find a way back but is scared and doesn't know how. It makes me feel that she is worried that she could lose both of us by trying. My therapist thinks I am crazy for trying to empathize with her at this point, maybe I am. I know that still love my wife but I also know that I am not willing to continue to be walked over.
A lot of my fear now is based on not wanting to mess things up by reacting too strongly at the wrong time. At the same time, last week was pushing the limits of my patience and self-respect and I know that if she can't leave OM, she is effectively making her decision and I have to remove myself from the equation.
