"But no I'm not solely responsible for the "mess"."
She's referring to the stuff you've been doing so far.
"I wont argue the quality of the advice...but it is primarily designed to work in situations where theres still a legal tie between two people...a marriage. When she left...there was/is nothing legally binding her to me...no required MC...no remaining in the home because half of it is hers, etc."
Wrong. pearlharbor isn't married either but it worked for her too. She listened.
"And lets not forget the OM...she left me so she could be with him. Given his success and articulation skills when she needed a shoulder...its unlikely that anything I did or didnt do would have prevented them from being together."
Wrong again. She left you because of what you were doing before. It isn't right, but to say that she left because of the OM after everything you explained so far, is wrong.
"Unless he does something bad to her that I didnt, like physical or verbal abuse, their relationship is likely to last at least a couple years if not forever."
Get a counselor to talk about your self-esteem issues. And they ARE issues.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
it is primarily designed to work in situations where theres still a legal tie between two people...a marriage.
That's crap. I'm not married and it worked for me. From the day the bomb was dropped and when BF wanted to come home was just under four months. Because I listened to the advice here and followed it. That includes the first month before I found DR and this forum. It would have been shorter had I not gotten conflicting advice from a DB coach that put me back about a month.
Go ahead, keep acting like a spoiled child who didn't get his way. Throw temper tantrums. That's just going to push ex further away and increase the likelihood that she'll keep running and won't ever look back. I think that's the best solution.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
(I should know better than to post this ...) but here goes:
Nsw, think about the possibility that the "mess" is not so much your relationship (or ex-relationship) but yourself. And there's where you are solely, 100% responsible and culpable.
You're STILL not looking at taking that responisbility like an adult however. STOP bleating about how your ex's behaviour changed you. It affected you sure, but the change was and is and will always be your choice. You seem to revel in the drama of the "darkness" like a child. A disturbed child at that.
Some people here get 2X4'ed for elevating the OP by contacting him/her. some people get 2X4'ed for putting their spouse / partner on a pedestal. You're the first I recall who is actually putting the OP on a pedestal and emasculating yourself.
Stop with the self-immolating and self-pitying perspective. And stop alternating this with helpless, impotent rage. It's sickening to see.
It's like people here are throwing you a hand or a rope, and you're too busy whining about how much you fear the pain of hitting the pavement even as you are playing hopscotch on the 60th floor ledge of a building.
Decide if you truly want help.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
That's crap. I'm not married and it worked for me. From the day the bomb was dropped and when BF wanted to come home was just under four months. Because I listened to the advice here and followed it. That includes the first month before I found DR and this forum. It would have been shorter had I not gotten conflicting advice from a DB coach that put me back about a month.
You're lucky pearl...that you were able to stick to it and that it worked out for you...and that you were a W. As I understand it men change their mind a lot easier than women in this type situations. Maybe its b/c most men leave for sexual reasons and women leave for emotional. I guess that makes sense since emotional bonds are harder to break.
At any rate, hopefully after this weekend, I wont have to even "act" as if. Kinda makes me wish it was Friday already.
This is my 2nd time going thru a separation with my W, and the 1st time we hadn't been married yet. I didn't come here or go anywhere for help, just did it on my own. Looking back I did pursue, but not as obsessively as I did during the start of this 1 and I stopped completely before she came back. Since then we did get married & had another child together. What really worked was not pursuing so much, and I GAL and started doing good for myself as far as work, etc. Remedy the problems she had with you before your separation, but don't do anything to show her that you changed, let her see it on your own. Do it for yourself, not for her. Get some friends, go out on dates, start your life and if it's something to be proud of maybe she'll join it.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
This is my 2nd time going thru a separation with my W, and the 1st time we hadn't been married yet. I didn't come here or go anywhere for help, just did it on my own. Looking back I did pursue, but not as obsessively as I did during the start of this 1 and I stopped completely before she came back. Since then we did get married & had another child together. What really worked was not pursuing so much, and I GAL and started doing good for myself as far as work, etc. Remedy the problems she had with you before your separation, but don't do anything to show her that you changed, let her see it on your own. Do it for yourself, not for her. Get some friends, go out on dates, start your life and if it's something to be proud of maybe she'll join it.
This is also my 2nd time going through a separation with my ex. The first time was when she was turning 21 and wanted to go out and party with her friends and didnt want to be tied down..."I need space" essentially. Back then I got her back by spending time with her...essentialy wooing her all over again so that friends became FWB that became a comitted R again. Back then she didnt have anyone else she hooked up with or was already seeing which gave me the ability to pursue her without having any competition.
As far as your last statement goes Mark I'm actually going on a date this weekend. If it goes well another will follow and another. If it doesnt turn into anything serious, I'm hoping to at least make a new friend out of it. If it does become serious at some point, all the better for me. I'm looking forward to my ex becoming nothing more to me than an "ex"change courrier for D3.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Not a bad day so far but not a great one either. My ex came and got D3 but didnt say anything to me.
I went out and got breakfast, went to the gym, then went and got my taxes taken care of.
The I came home and decided I was tired of looking at all my ex's crap laying around the house. I've asked her several times about coming and getting it and she's said no. So I managed to get over half of her stuff bagged up and moved into the garage downstairs.
Now at least I dont have to be as reminded of her every time I go in our bedroom. Hopefully by spring she'll have gotten the rest of it out.
nsw, you have: -arranged for a date -cleared your ex's crap -went to the gym
Is THIS the start of you trying to GAL and detach?
Here is a suggestion about typing angry emails: always start them with YOUR name in the "to" box...so if you hit send, you are sending it to yourself.Then you can read it and go "Thank you God, for preventing me from sending that to her! It would be adding to the problem, not the solution!"
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
